(It’s a slow night at our fast food/sandwich shop, so we’re chatting with the customers.  This particular customer is a regular, and is discussing birthday presents with my coworker.)

Customer: “Yeah, I got my kids guns for their birthdays!”

Coworker: “How old are they?!”

Customer: “In their 20s.”

Coworker, shocked: “But guns kill people!”

Customer: “Well, they may need to protect themselves someday, you know.”

Coworker: “From what? Wild animals?”

Customer: “No, from Democrats!”

(My coworker gets very offended, and a rather loud debate ensues between them as I try helplessly to control my laughter.)

(My father does all sorts of contracting work from plumbing to construction. This is a phone call he had with a customer whose home he’s worked at before.)

Customer: “I went to take a shower and there’s no hot water in the bathroom. I want you to come over and fix it.”

Him: “No hot water? Is there any water coming from the faucet at all?”

Customer: “Well, I turned it a little bit and no water came out!”

Him: “Okay. Go into the kitchen, and turn on the tap in the sink there. Tell me if you get any water. ”

Customer: *long pause* “… okay, I get water on this tap.”

Him: “Is it running hot?”

Customer: “Yes, it is.”

Him: “Well, the hot water is all on the same line, so the kitchen sink and the shower should have hot water. Are you sure you turned the tap on far enough?”

Customer: “Now listen here! I may be blond but I dye my hair! I have dark roots, you know! I’d know whether or not I turned on the tap far enough, and I know I did!”

(She hangs up, and a few minutes pass. The phone rings again.)

Him: “Hello?”

Customer: “The hot water’s working in the shower now. I just didn’t turn on the tap for long enough…”

Me: “Welcome to ***, may I take your order?”

Drive-thru customer: “Yeah, I’ll take the double cheeseburger.”

Me: “Okay, would you like to make it a value meal?”

Drive-thru customer: *screaming* “DON’T INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE! IF I WANTED A VALUE MEAL, I WOULD HAVE SAID VALUE MEAL!”

Me: “Fine, that will be $1.87 at window two.”

(He drives up, I take his money and hand him the food.)

Drive-thru customer: “I’m gonna need ketchup for the fries.”

Me: “Sir, you only ordered the sandwich, not the value meal. I can ring up an order of fries now if you’d like.”

Drive-thru customer: “No, you screwed up my order! I’m NOT paying for extra fries!”

(Fed up, I throw some fries in a bag and hand them to him.)

Customer: “Wait, is it too late to substitute onion rings??”

Me: *slams window shut*

Little Boy: “Can I have a medium Icee?”

Me: “Sure!  That’ll be $1.48.”

(The little boy hands me $1.50 and I give him his change.  He scampers off to get his Icee as his dad stomps up.)

Dad: “Can I get another medium Icee for my daughter?”

Me: “Sure, It’s $1.48.”

(The dad pays and I give him his cup.  By this time the boy is back, happily drinking his Icee and standing next to his dad.)

Dad: (rudely) “WELL?! Where’s my Icee!?”

Me: (confused) “Uh, the cup is right there, sir.”

(The little boy is trying to get his dad’s attention to tell him where the Icee machine is located (it’s self serve). However, the dad is ignoring him and yelling at me.)

Dad: “I PAID FOR AN ICEE, NOW WHERE IS MY ICEE!?”

Me: “Sir, the machine is around the corner.”

Dad: “Finally! God, are you retarded or something?!”

Me: “!?”

Woman: “Your f***ing machine won’t accept my memory card from my camera!”

Me: “That’s very strange ma’am, as our machines accept all of the memory cards that I’ve ever heard of.”

Woman: “Well, your machines are obviously old! My husband bought me an EXPENSIVE camera, because I only like the best! You people need to get better machines! My memory card won’t even FIT in any of the slots!”

Me: “May I see your memory card? Maybe I can figure out what’s wrong.”

(Woman hands me her memory card huffily.)

Me: “Um… ma’am, I don’t know how to tell you this, but this is your camera battery.”

Woman: “…”

(She snatches her battery out of my hands and storms out of the store.)

Me: “Can I start you off with something to drink?”

Half-deaf customer: “I’D LIKE THE FISH!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, can I get you something to drink?”

Half-deaf customer: “HE’LL TAKE THE STEAK!”

(I was working at the express lane one Sunday morning, and this family comes in. Keep in mind that they look like something straight out of the Beverly Hillbillies. So they purchase a few things, and their total comes up to $6.66.)

Customer: *looks at total in horror and points to son* “Quick, get some candy, gum, anything!”

(His son then proceeds to throw a box of Tic Tacs at me.)

Customer: “I will not have the Devil’s number as my total!”

Me: “Thank you sir, have a nice day!”

Me: “Thank you for calling ******, my name is Ken. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Do you guys make custom deep dish pizza’s?”

Me: “If by ‘custom’ you mean like a chef’s choice, then yes, we do.”

Customer: “And how much is that?”

Me: “Well, a regular sized deep dish, with tax included, will come to $18.01. With that, you get a choice of three toppings.”

Customer: “Great, then gimme a pizza with half pepperoni, sausage, and mushrooms. On the other half I want roasted veggies, bacon, and spinach.

Me: “Okay sir, now I must warn you that your new total comes to $24.37 because you have six items total.”

Customer: “What? No, I have three items on each side. Therefore, I should be fine.”

Me: “Sir, I do apologize for the misunderstanding. While it is true that you have three items on each side, the items are on ONE whole pizza. So, we have to charge you for the three extra toppings.”

Customer: “Now listen here! One regular deep dish is equal to two individuals, correct?”

Me: “Yes, but–”

Customer: “HEY, Shut up for a second! Now, two individuals are equal to one regular. CORRECT?”

Me: “Yes sir, it is.”

Customer: “Now using this logic, I should get my pizza for the price of two individuals.”

Me: “Sir, as much as I would like to agree with you, I simply can’t–”

Customer: “Let me see your manager. It’s obvious I can’t reason with you.”

(My manager comes up to deal with the situation. I walk away from the scene to seat some guests, when I hear…)

Manager: “HEY, 3+3=6, YOU HAVE 6 TOPPINGS, SO YOU OWE $24.37! HAVE A NICE DAY!”

(The guy quietly paid for his food and walked out like someone just threatened his life!)

(A customer reserved an expensive feather blanket a week before, and it was on sale when he came to pick it up.)

Customer: “This blanket is on sale!” *waves his reserve slip*

Me: “Yes it is, sir.”

Customer: “I’m not taking it, since I have to pay double the price!”

Me: “You automatically get the discount even though your reservation slip says the price is higher.”

Customer: “I’m not paying the full price for this blanket!”

Me: “Sir, you don’t have to. You get the discount.”

Customer: “Are you a f***ing idiot? I’m not paying the full price! It’s on sale, and I’m only paying the sale price!”

Me, trying not to laugh: “Sir, I’ve been trying to tell you that our system will automatically sell it for the sale price.”

Customer: “You don’t get it! Let me speak to your manager!”

(I call the manager, and after about 5 minutes of this, he and I finally got the customer to believe he was getting his blanket for the sale price. We laughed a good ten minutes after the guy had left.)

(I work for a bookstore that sells bibles. We get a lot of interesting customers that call…)

Me: “***, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have the book of Chronicles?”

Me: “Do you want a commentary for it?”

Customer: “No. You know, the book of Chronicles that they talk about in the bible. Do you have that?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Have you ever read a bible?”

Me: “Yes, I have…”

Customer: “Well, I’m looking for the book of Chronicles.”

Me: “Let me search our computer system and see if I can find something.” *I pretend to search the computer* “The only thing I can find is the actual books in the bible called first and second Chronicles.”

Customer: “Do y’all have that in the store? Where’s it at?”

(I pull a bible off the shelf and tell him the exact location of the books.)

Customer: “I’ve never seen that in any of my bibles.”

Me: “Sir, these two books have been in here for over 2,000 years.”

Customer: “Not in any bible I’ve read!”

(After the customer finally hung up, I asked my manager to shoot me.)