(Keep in mind that our bookstore only sells books, CDs and DVDs: no electronics, no rentals or software.)

Coworker: “Good morning, what can I help you find?”

Old Customer: “I need a keyboard for that computer thing.”

Coworker: “We don’t sell keyboards, I’m sorry. Have you tried Best Buy across the parking lot?”

Old Customer: “But I don’t want to go over there, I want to buy it here!”

Coworker: “Sorry, I don’t have any to sell you. We don’t carry computer parts.”

(The customer proceeds to get worked up into a fine fury, face blotched red and pulled up to her full height.)

Old Customer: “Well, I never! In my day, you could walk into any store, anywhere, and by God if they wanted your business they would FIND it for you!” *storms out*

Eavesdropping manager: “Well, in her day, everything was a general store!”

Lady: “Do you sell aloe vera gel?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid we don’t, but you might be able to get it at [store] down the street.”

Lady: “Oh, great, thanks.”

(She leaves and ten minutes later returns wielding a tube, looking irritated.)

Me: “Hello again, did you manage to find it okay?”

Lady: “No! You told me they had aloe vera gel! All they had is the cream! I don’t want the cream!”

Me: “Um… you didn’t want the cream but you bought it anyway?”

Lady: “No, of course I didn’t BUY–”

(She suddenly stops and looks at the tube in her hand. Her expression turns to horror and she legs it back out the door. My coworkers and I laughed for a good ten minutes at that one.)

(A customer with her toddler comes into the store while I’m working on another customer’s order.)

Customer: “I want to know if your peanut butter cookies have nuts in them.”

Me: “Yes, yes they do.”

Customer: “Oh, well my son is allergic to nuts. Do you have any that don’t have nuts?”

Me: “You could try the oatmeal raisin.”

Customer: “No, he doesn’t like raisins.” *picks up a different cookie*

Me: “Um, those are white chocolate macadamia nut, which also have nuts in them.”

Customer: “Well do you have anything that is nut-free here?!”

Me: “We have cakes with fruit in them, muffins, bagels, croissants and scones. Would he like those?”

Customer: “You people don’t care about my child!” *storms out of the store, child in tow*

Me, to coworker: “How is he still alive?”

Coworker: *shrugs*

(It’s 3:30 am, and a hotel guest wanders into the back office that is clearly marked for staff only…)

Guest: “My phone isn’t working. I need to call someone… it’s really important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You can’t be back here. Please go back into the lobby and I will reset your phone line.”

Guest: *points at a chair* “Can’t I sit here?”

Me: “No. Go back out into the lobby, right now.”

Guest: *sits down* “I came here with a girl and she left me. Now I need to call for another girl.”

Me: “I’m sorry, really, but you can’t sit here. You can’t be back here. Please, go back into the lobby.”

Guest: *gets up* “Sorry. I’m upset.”

Me: “Give me a minute and I’ll reset your phone line and then call your room to see if it goes through.”

(I reset his phone and call his room. He leaves, only to come back 5 minutes later.)

Guest: “It still isn’t working. I’m really unhappy. Do you know where I can get a prostitute?”

Me: “I’m sure if you walk outside on the street and go to the corner you can find one, but you can’t bring her back here.”

Guest: “That isn’t safe.”

Me: “I’m sorry… I can’t help you, sir.”

Guest: “Are you a prostitute?”

Me: “No!”

Guest: “I’ll pay you $160.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not a prostitute, and I’m going to call security.”

Guest: “No, you won’t. You’re a prostitute. How about $280? How much do men normally pay?”

Me: “Do I look like a prostitute? I’m a receptionist. I do paperwork and check people in. I don’t sleep with them.”

Guest: “All of the girls that I know who are receptionists at night are prostitutes.”

Me: “Well, I’m not. Can you please go back to your room?!”

Guest: “I’m from Miami.”

Me: “Good. Can you please go back to your room?”

Guest: “Fine. Tomorrow I’m going to complain about the service here!”

Me: “… because I won’t sleep with you for money?”

Guest: “Will you just come sleep with me? I just need thirty minutes.”

Me: “No.”

Guest: “I’m talking to the manager tomorrow.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir. Good luck…”

(He finally leaves, and I make a note of this encounter. I discover the next day that he was refunded $20 due to my poor service. I have no idea what he told the receptionist when he checked out, but she clearly didn’t read my note!)

Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How may I help you?”

Hotel Guest:  ”I was charged for two movies last night that I did not watch.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but unfortunately I can not adjust these movies off. They were completely viewed from beginning to end–both movies.”

Hotel Guest: ”That’s absurd, there’s no way I saw those movies last night. I was asleep. What are the movies that were watched?”

Me: “They’re adult movies, ma’am…”

Hotel Guest: *enraged* “I DID NOT WATCH ANY DIRTY MOVIES!”

Me: “Is there someone else in your room that may have ordered them?”

Hotel Guest: “It’s just me and my boyfriend…”

Me: *tight smile*

Hotel Guest: ”Oh. My. God. He ordered porn. We’re at a romantic getaway and he orders porn! I’m going to kill him!”

Related:
Hopefully, She Got The House

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ***, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have any floating candles?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we have a Fourth of July set of red, white and blue star-shaped floating candles, and we also carry a set shaped like seashells.”

Customer: “Yeah, I saw those. The seashells are too ghetto. Do you have any plain white ones?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid the seashells and the stars are all we have. They’re too… ghetto, did you say?”

Customer: “Yeah, this is for an outdoor party, you know? Thanks anyway.”

(I was in line to pay for a snack at a local convenience store when an elderly woman comes in, heads right to the front of the line.)

Customer: “My gas tank isn’t filled.”

Employee: “I’m sorry, I’m waiting on these customers right now.  If you get in line, I’ll be happy to–”

Customer: “No! Your gas isn’t filling my tank, and I want to know why.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, may I help you?”

Customer: “Your gas doesn’t fill up my tank. I came in with less than half a tank and your gas didn’t even fill it up three quarters of the way!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am.  I’ll have someone come in and look at the pump you were using.  For right now, you’re welcome to go to one of our other pumps and finish filling your tank.”

Employee, to the manager: “She only prepaid $10…”

Manager: “You prepaid for $10 of gas?”

Customer: “That’s right.”

Manager: “And… $10 isn’t… filling your tank….”

Customer: “When my husband, God rest his soul, pumped gas, he used to pay $10 and it would fill up our tank.”

Manager: “When was this?”

Customer: “That doesn’t matter!  My son-in-law has been pumping my gas since.  I’ve given him $10 and it’s filled up my tank every time. You’re trying to take advantage of me because I’m an old woman!”

Manager: “No, ma’am… the price of gas has gone up quite a bit in the last few years… It costs me almost $50 to fill my car–”

Customer: “Don’t give me that!  It’s always cost me $10… I’m going right to the Better Business Bureau and the Attorney General’s Office!”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am. Sorry about the trouble. Good luck with all that…”

(At the shop, all the flavors of gelato are plainly labeled. This particular question happened almost daily…)

Customer: “What does the Rose taste like?”

Me: “Roses.”

Customer: “No way! Let me try!”

(I hand the customer a sampler of rose-flavored gelato.)

Customer: “It tastes like lotion!”

Me: “How often do you eat lotion?!”

Me: “You find everything okay today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Oh my God! What’s wrong with your face?  Are you okay?”

Me: “What? What are you talking about?”

Customer:  ”Your jaw! It’s so swollen!”

Me: “Um… no, I’m just fine.”

Customer: “Oh… your left jaw is just so huge, I thought, maybe… never mind.”

(A student needed a stack of VHS tapes converted to DVD.  The first couple tapes were nothing special but the third  looked like the camera had been set up in a hotel room. The three of us working in the lab were wondering if it was even her tape until we saw the student sit down on the bed.  Then she laid back. Then someone else stepped into the frame and started taking off her shirt.  I ran to the phone to call the student while a crowd gathered in front of the computer.)

Me: “Hi, this is *** from the lab.  We’re working on your tapes right now but we’re not quite sure about one of them.”

Her: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, one of them seems like it might have slipped into the stack accidentally.”

Her: “One of mine? Wha–OH MY GOD!  The sex tape?!”

Me: “That’s what it looks like.”

Her: “Oh my god! Just box it up and hide it.  I’ll be right down to pick it up!”

Me: “I’ll pull it right away.”

Her: “Please, don’t let anyone else watch it!”

*people cheer excitedly in the back of the lab*

Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. I’ve already shut it off.”