(Note: I’m the manager at a video rental store, and the owner happens to be there with me.)

Customer: “I’d like to open an account.”

Me: “Okay, to open a membership we need a California issued I.D and a major credit card.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t have one.”

Me: “Which one?”

Customer: “The credit card.”

Me: “Then I’m afraid we can’t open the account.”

Customer: “Oh, I talked to the manager last week. He said it was alright if i didn’t have a credit card.”

Me: “Oh really? I don’t recall telling anybody that last week.”

Customer: *nervously* “… then it was the owner who told me that.”

Me: “I don’t think he would say that.”

Customer: “Yeah he did. He said it was fine. Just make me the d*** membership! The owner said it was fine.”

Me: “Okay…” *I turn to the owner*

Me, to the owner: “Hey, did you tell anyone last week that they could make a new account without a credit card?”

Owner: “No, I never said that ever.”

Customer: *walks away with his head down*

Related:
Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole, Part 2
Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

(This is one of those chains that does gunned ear piercings. Gun piercings have MANY risks–embedding being one of them. A customer walks in with two children, ages 4 and 7.)

Customer: “The stone fell out of her earring. Can you put a new one in?”

Me: *examines ear* “Ma’am, the earring is embedded in your daughter’s ear. You need to go to the doctor. I can’t help you.”

Customer: “No, stone fall out of earring, we just need new one.”

Me: “No, ma’am. You see, putting the back on too tight like this pulls the front of the earring INTO the earlobe and it becomes stuck.”

Customer: “Okay, you take out.”

Me: “You aren’t getting it…it is stuck inside her ear. A doctor needs to cut her ear open with a scalpel and retrieve the earring.”

Customer: *freaks out and starts stringing expletives together*

(I retrieve her waiver to show her where she signed in FOUR places stating she understood the risks associated with the procedure.)

Me: “See? You signed here explaining you understood the risks and aftercare.”

Customer: “There was a line, I no read dis! Nobody read dis!”

Me: “Well, if you had taken the time to read you would have seen that this can be dangerous. A responsible parent puts more effort into their child’s safety and well being.”

(Needless to say she threatened my life, swore like a sailor in front of my customers, was chased by security and provided them a false name. I took her to court… and she lost.)

Me: “Sporting Goods, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I need a tennis racquet. The one I have is the wrong one.”

Me: ”What kind of tennis racquet are you looking for?”

Customer: ”I’m a lefty. I need a left-handed tennis racquet.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Hello? Are you still there? Do you have any left-handed tennis racquets?”

Me: ”Ma’am, just put the one you have in your left hand. It’s now a left-handed tennis racquet.”

Customer: “Oooh! I’m going to kill my husband!” *hangs up*

(I work at the drive-thru of a certain fast food restaurant that has milkshakes that come with these massive tube straws, roughly the width of a nickel, and bright blue.)

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah. You’ve got those blue straws, right?”

Me: “Yeah, we do. They come with our Sundae Shakes.”

Customer: “Cool. Gimme two. Don’t forget the straws!”

Me: “Okay….”

(I tell him the total and ask him to pull up…)

Customer: “You sure these come with those blue straws?”

Me: “Yes, they do…” *hands him his change*

Customer, to his girlfriend: “Blue turns me on…”

(I grab the straws and hand them out the window. After they pulled away, I burst out laughing for a good five minutes.)

(A customer comes in, spends 30 minutes browsing games, then proceeds to talk to me for another 45 minutes about whatever. I hint several times for him to leave the store.)

Customer: “Puzzle games are hard… I enjoy Halo way more. Why do you think people want to play puzzles anyways? And what’s with the word anyways? Z’s suck.”

Me: “Just a second.”

(At this time, I decide to try something desperate: I go to the computer on the counter and look up “puzzle” on wikipedia.)

Me: “A puzzle is a problem or enigma that challenges ingenuity. In a basic puzzle one is intended to piece together objects in a logical way in order to come up with the desired shape, picture or solution. Puzzles are–”

Customer: “Okay, I get it.”

Me: “–often contrived as a form of entertainment, but they can also stem from serious mathematical or logistical problems–”

Customer: “Please stop.”

Me: “–in such cases, their successful resolution can be a significant contribution to mathematical resear–”

Customer: “Stop it, you a**. I get it.”

Me: “–ch. Solutions to puzzles may require recognizing patterns and creating a particular order. People with a high inductive reasoning aptitude may be better at solving these–”

Customer: “STOP IT, F*** WHY DON’T YOU F***ING STOP? WHY!?”

Me: “–puzzles than others. Puzzles based on the process of inquiry and discovery to complete may be solved faster by those wi–”

Customer: “FINE, I’LL BUY THIS SONIC GAME! SHUT THE F*** UP, JESUS CHRIST!”

(I scan, take his money and wave him out.)

Me: “Thank you, have a nice day.”

Customer: “F*** YOU!”

Puzzle on Wikipedia

(An older lady calls in to see if we will waive the late fee on her credit card. I see several previous refunds and decide not to refund unless it’s a bank error.)

Old lady: “I’m afraid I forgot to send the payment. I just lost my husband, and it’s been such a stressful month for me.”

(I start to feel sorry for her and think maybe I can cut her a break. Then, I read the notes on the account more closely…)

Me: “Ma’am, what was your husband’s name?”

Old lady, sadly: “It was Leonard.”

Me: “Ma’am, I see that you faxed us Leonard’s death certificate two years ago, so you could remove his name from the account.”

Old lady, now indignant: “Well, it doesn’t get any easier!

Related:
Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave

(Ever wonder why you can’t buy gum at a movie theater? Patrons plaster their used gum *everywhere.* An assistant manager I worked with knew exactly how to get the point across.)

Movie theater patron: “Do you carry any gum?”

Assistant Manager: *low growl* “Gum… is our enemy.”

(I work at an adult novelty shop.  A man and a woman come into the store together, obviously a pair.  The man comes to the front counter, pays for a sex toy (think of the first Austin Powers movie) and leaves. A bit later, the woman comes up to the front desk.)

Woman: “Have you seen my husband?”

Me:  ”Ooooh. Um. I think he just left.”

Woman: “Oh, really?” *gets on her cellphone* “Hey, honey! Forget something!?”

(A few moments later, the front door flies open and the man sulks in, meets back up with his wife, and they both leave together.)

Coworker: “I’m glad he came back for her. I don’t think she’d fit in the lost-and-found.”

(Our newspaper always gets strange calls. After one story I wrote about first aid training at the Red Cross, I get the following call from a reader…)

Me: “Hello, [newspaper]. How may I help you?”

Reader: “Yeah, I’m here at the Red Cross.”

Me: “… okay?”

Reader: “They just told me the first aid class you wrote about is full.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Reader: *silence*

Me: “Sir? What’s the problem?”

Reader: “Well, I have a friend who really needs to get into this class, but they said it’s full!”

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir.”

Reader: “Well?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Reader: “Well, what are you going to do about it? Can’t you tell them to add a seat to the class?”

Me: “Umm, no, sir. I’m just a reporter. I can’t tell the Red Cross what to do. I’m sorry your friend can’t get in the class in time.”

Reader: “Well, what is he supposed to do? He needs the training now!”

Me: “Well, I believe the hospital teaches a first aid class.”

Reader: “They do? Can you call them for me?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m afraid I have a tight deadline today. I can’t take the time to look into that. Maybe you could call your friend and tell him?”

Reader: *sarcastically* “Yeah, whatever. Thanks for your help.”

(A man on his mid-forties shoves a DVD case on the counter, while yelling at me. Keep in mind that I’m wearing glasses.)

Customer: “This DVD doesn’t work, G** D***it! I want a refund!”

Me: “Okay… what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I don’t know, it doesn’t work!”

(I open the case and check the surface of the DVD. It was so scratched that it was nearly white instead of purple, and it even had a dry fingerprint of something that looked like peanut butter.)

Me: “Um… sir?”

Customer: “WHAT?!”

Me: “I can’t give you a refund for a product that has been damaged by the customer.”

Customer: What?! The disc is fine! I want a refund!”

Me: “Sir, the disc is damaged, and I cannot give you a refund.”

Customer: “I want to speak to the manager!”

Me: “Of course.”

(I walk away to the back of the store, take off my glasses, and walk to the counter again.)

Me: “Yes, what is the problem?”

Customer: “YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SALESMAN WON’T–”

(He suddenly figures it out.)

Customer: “F*** THIS S***!” *continues swearing while he storms out of the store*