(A new delivery driver mistakenly delivered the wrong pizza. This is the phone call I got about it, as the manager on duty.)

Customer: “Hi, I ordered a pizza from you guys a while ago, and they delivered the wrong one.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry! What was your order?”

Customer: “Mushrooms and green onions… the one we got had sausage. We can’t eat sausage! We’re vegetarians!”

Me: “Okay, do you still have the pizza? We can come by and switch them for you.”

Customer: “No, we ate it.”

Me: “You ate it?”

Customer: “Yes! Now, I’d like to get my money back. It was the wrong pizza.”

Me: “So… you want me to give you your money back… for a pizza you already ate.”

Customer: “Well we didn’t LOOK at it, we just ate it.”

(Eventually we settled the deal by giving the customer some in-store credit. Who doesn’t look at a pizza before they start shoveling it into their mouths?)

(I’m hurrying to the bathroom as an Asian couple starts flailing at me.)

Me: “How can I he–”

Customers: “FAXMACHEEEEE!”

Me: “A fax machine?”

Male Customer: “FAXMACHEEEEEE!”

Me: “Okay… well, if you follow me over here, I’ll show you what we have.”

(I lead the customer over to the single fax machine that we carried at that point.)

Female Customer: *staring at me confused* “FAXMACHEEE?!”

Me: “Yes, that’s a fax machi–”

Male Customer: “FAXMACHEEE?!”

Me: “Are you trying to ask if we carry any other fax machines?”

Male Customer: *stares blankly at me for a few moments*

Female Customer: *nods frantically* “FAXMACHEEEE!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is the only one we carry currently.”

Male Customer: “… faxmachee?” *hangs head and walks away with female customer*

(I get a lot of funny calls, and most of the time, I can stay calm and professional through the call. This is the only one I’ve had where I needed to hit the ‘mute’ button. Thankfully, he was talking about the website–I eventually needed to dispatch a tech.)

Me: “Thanks for calling Internet Tech Support, Emily speaking.”

Customer: “Yeah, I was looking at this porn site, and now I can’t get it up anymore.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Hi, do you sell hair dryers?”

Me: “Um, this is a hardware store.”

Customer: “Yes, yes, I know that. Do you sell them?”

Me: “No, we sell hardware here. But I’m sure the Target up the road sells hair dryers.”

Customer: “Well, I’ll just look around a bit.”

(About ten minutes later…)

Customer: “You could have TOLD me you only sold tools and nails here, BEFORE I wasted my time. Now I’ll have to go to Target!”

(I was ringing this ladies order up and the entire order consisted of chicken, pork chops, t-bones and rib eyes.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Your total is going to be [over $200].”

Customer: “Now before I pay you, I have to say something…”

Me: “Okay?”

Customer: “I know this has no reflection on you and you more than likely can’t do anything about it, but ***** has no right to sell live animals.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

(I start chuckling a little. We only sell live gold fish as feeder fish for people’s piranhas and Oscars.)

Customer: “Well, what on earth can be so funny about me saying that?”

Me: “Weeelllll, you really had no problem buying the dead animals we sell.”

Customer: “As a charter member of PETA, I resent everything you just said to me. Not only does this store sell live animals, but it sells dead ones too?”

Me: “Well, yes, ma’am. We sell pork, chicken, beef, bison, and several different types of fish.”

Customer: “And you see no problem with this?!”

Me: “Well you see, ma’am, as a card carrying member of the NRA, the only problem I can see is that they don’t also offer to cook it for me too.”

(She stormed off without ever paying for her stuff. My manager wound up writing me up for being less than courteous.)

(A woman in her forties walks in…)

Customer: “I’d like $5 worth of games for a Nintendo DS and the system itself. This should cover it all.”

(The customer puts $20 on the counter.)

Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t have any DS games for five bucks, and if you want a DS, you’re about sixty-five dollars short… $115 if you want a new one.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “Toys’R'Us has them for $15. You should price match.”

Me: “Ma’am, we do not price match here, and even if we did, I’m only a seasonal employee and wouldn’t likely be allowed to.”

Customer: *screaming* “Let me speak to your manager!”

Me: “Alright…”

(I go to get manager from the back room. She explains the situation. BTW, I’m a woman myself.)

Customer: “THIS IS DISCRIMINATION! YOU AREN’T GIVING ME FAIR TREATMENT BECAUSE I’M NOT A FAT, PASTY NERD THAT KNOWS THINGS LIKE YOU TWO! AND BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN!”

Manager: “I’d like you to leave the store, please.”

Customer: “FINE! NERDS!”

(Preface: One of our business’ locations lost power. I first spent an hour on the phone…)

Me: “Your power went out? Did you shut down the computers or did they shut down on their own?”

Them: “They just shut down, and now they won’t come up!”

Me: “So you have power now? Are your TVs and radios playing?”

Them: “Yes!”

Me: “What I want you to do is go to the computer and find the power cord.”

Them: “Okay, got it.”

Me: “Trace it to the battery backup. You will find it plugged into the back of it.”

Them: “Okay, found it.”

Me: “Plug it into a receptacle other than the battery backup. Plug it into the wall receptacle.”

Them: “Okay, done.”

Me: “Now try to power the computer up.”

Them: “Nothing.”

Me: “Okay, there may have been a breaker that tripped. Do you know your way around your fusebox?”

Them: “Yes.”

Me: “Go look at it and see if anything is tripped. If so, reset it, okay?”

Them: “Okay, hold on…”

(After a few moments…)

Them: “Nothing’s tripped and I got customers needing to make payments!”

Me: “Okay, I will be there in a couple of hours.”

(After a two hour trip, I arrive with a new computer in my backseat. The first thing I look at is the APC backup power supply. The problem? The computer was still plugged into the backup, but even better: they plugged the backup power supply into itself. Two hour trip, one minute solution.)

Me: “Hello, ****** Fencing Club.”

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for some galvanized pipe.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I think you may be confused. This is a fencing club… you know, the sport. We don’t actually make fences.”

Customer: “Oh… you see, I’m making a cage for a parrot. Do you have any galvanized pipe?”

Me: “No, I don’t think you understand. We don’t have material for building fences, we do sword fighting here. It’s a sport. Foils, epees, sabres.”

Customer: “Oh, okay… it needs to be galvanized so that it won’t chip if the parrot bites it.”

Me: “I don’t think you’re following me. We don’t build fences here, and we don’t have pipe.”

Customer: “Oh, I see… you see, I need to make the cage for a movie set, and it needs to be galvanized so that it doesn’t chip if the parrot bites it.”

Me: *giving up* “Galvanized pipe, you say?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Try the Soccer Centre.”

Customer: “The Soccer Centre?”

Me: “Yeah, the Soccer Centre.”

Customer: “Thank you!”

Old Lady: “And how old are you, about sixteen?”

Me: “I’m twenty-seven years old, ma’am.”

Old Lady: “But… you’re so pretty!”

Me: “Er, thanks.”

(I guess I should try harder to look ugly from now on.)

Customer: “Since you don’t have the laptop in stock that I want, here’s what I want instead: a bag, a decent one, and a USB stick, at least a 4 gig but I’d prefer the 8. All for free.”

Me: “Uh, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “I thought it was about making the customer happy! I am not happy. You have to make me happy!”

Me: “So, let me get this right. Since you’re not buying anything today, you want free stuff?

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Well, this isn’t very good customer service at all. You guys say you run a business, but this is just s**t.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, but like you said, it’s a business. You don’t stay in business by giving things away!”

Customer: *stalks off*