(I walked into a game store and there was a violent car jacking on the local news where a poor couple had been killed. The only person behind the counter is a good friend of mine and an middle-aged woman walks in.)

Woman: “I can’t believe today’s violence. I blame that, the violent media.”

Me: “Yeah, people are a little crazy these days.”

Woman: *to my friend* “Can I have that Call of Duty 4 there, please?”

My Friend: “Um, who are you buying this for? It’s a little survey the store is doing…”

Woman: “Oh, of course! It’s for my 13-year-old son. ”

(As soon as she left, my friend and I busted out laughing.)

(A man of at least 80 years of age came up to my checkout lane. Here’s what happened as I was bagging his last item.)

Me: “Man, I just don’t think this is gonna fit in here.”

Customer, completely straight-faced: “That’s what she said.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer, still straight-faced: “That’s what she said.”

(Needless to say, I nearly died of laughter. If there were only more grandfathers like that out there.)

Me: “Hello ma’am, and welcome to ***. What can I get for you today?”

Woman w/ son: “I’d like two burgers, one of them on a sesame-seedless bun, please.”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, but we’re actually out of seedless buns right now.”

Woman w/ son: “How dare you! My son has deathly allergies to a lot of things, I’ll have you know!”

Me: “Ma’am, is he allergic to sesame seeds?”

Woman w/ son: “No, he isn’t.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, the only difference between seeded and seedless buns are the sesame seeds, so it will be fine for your son to eat one with seeds.”

Woman w/ son: “HOW F**KING DARE YOU! YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT MY SON CAN OR CANNOT EAT! I WANT A SEEDLESS BUN, D**N YOU! GET ME YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “Yes, of course. Just one moment.”

(I go and get the manager and explain the situation. My manager, NOT a people person, grabs a seeded bun and proceeds to the front with a knife.)

Manager: “HERE IS YOUR D**N SEEDLESS BUN!”

(My manager slices off the top half of the bun and throws it on the counter.)

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

Woman w/ son: “Oh, shut the f**k up.”

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Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is *****.”

Me: I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

Doctor: “What if she was DYING and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

Doctor: “Well, yes–I mean–just make sure they call me today.” *click*

(A customer approaches one of my cashiers holding two children’s t-shirts with identical logos one boys and one girls. We were having a liquidation sale and all boys’ clothing was 40% off while girls’ clothing was 50% off.)

Customer: “What’s the discount on these?”

Cashier: “One is 40% off and the other is 50% off.”

Customer: “Why are they different?”

Cashier: “One is girls and one is boys.”

Customer: “I don’t understand… what’s the difference between girls and boys?”

Cashier: *without even skipping a beat* “Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.”

(Cue the entire checkout line laughing.)

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(I worked in the meat department of a large, popular convenience store a few years ago. Alongside this, I was both in college, and played World of Warcraft, so I was pretty zonked whenever I worked.)

Customer: “HEY!”

Me: “Hello sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: *scowls* “Where’s LARD?!”

(The name for my character in WoW was Lard. The night before, I ended up having to kick a guildy due to him basically being a moron. After he was kicked, he messaged to me that he was ‘going to get me one day’)

Customer: “… Lard?”

Me: “Um… um!”

Customer: *glares, then looks down* “Oh, here it is.”

(He bends down and picks up a jar of lard from the counter infront of me and walks away, and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I later found out that the same person deleted his character, rerolled the opposite faction, and leveled him to 70 in order to “Kill Lard and camp his corpse.” I consider that the moment that I won at WoW.)

(A woman walks up to my blackjack table, and sits down without putting any money up for her bet. I assume she’s waiting for the end of the shoe.)

Woman: “How come I didn’t get a hand?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you didn’t have your bet up when the cards came out. I’ll get you on the next.”

(When I get ready to deal the next, I tap the bet box in front of her.)

Me: “You comin’ in?”

Woman: “Yes.”

Me: “It’s a fifteen dollar table.”

Woman: “What?”

Me: “Table minimum is fifteen.”

Woman: “I have to pay to play?”

Me: “Well, if you win, I’ll give you fifteen more and you get to keep all of it.”

Woman: “What happens if I don’t win?”

Me: “At that point it becomes the casino’s money.”

Woman: “That’s stealing!”

Me: “No, that’s gambling.”

(I overheard a fellow salesperson’s sale. He was with a customer but another customer interrupts.)

Customer: “I want to make you offer on this laptop. I give you $650.”

Coworker: “Sorry, sir, the price is $749.”

Customer: *looks at his wife and nods* “I give you $650 plus 3 chicken!”

Coworker: *fighting back a smile* “Sorry, the price is $749.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $2.00.”

Customer: *shocked* “What? The sign said $1.85! How can it be $2.00?”

Me: “Yeah, $1.85 plus 15 cents for tax.”

Customer: *sighs loudly and opens up her Chanel bag to take two dollars out of her Gucci wallet*

(Note: The cell phone provider I worked for does not have call centers outside of North America.They have some in Canada, but that is irrelevant to the following transaction.)

Me: “Thank you for calling C*** Wireless. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want a credit to my account.”

Me: “Well, I can certainly see what I can do for you sir. What seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “Where am I calling currently?”

Me: “Customer service, sir…?”

Customer: “Where are you located?”

Me: “Lake Mary, Florida.”

Customer: “I want a credit because the last person I spoke to from your company was in India.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have call centers in India. All our call centers are in North America.”

Customer: “Well, the person I just spoke with had a very heavy middle eastern accent and told me his name was Sam. Now I know he was lying to me, so I want a credit applied to my bill!”

Me: “Sir, this is the United States of America. There are many people in this nation with varying accents. I cannot credit you for speaking to an American with an accent.”

Customer: “I want to talk to your supervisor!”

Me: “Sir, I would be more than happy to allow you to speak with my supervisor. His name is Muhammed Alam… we call him ‘Moe’ for short. ”

Customer: *click*