(A man shoves himself to the front of a long line of people.)

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to go to the back of the line.”

Him: “NO! I’m the Messiah!”

Me: “Wow. The Jews are in for a BIG disappointment.”

(He stands there for a second and shuffles to the back of the line. The other customers applaud.)

(While passing through airport security, a passenger’s bag needs to be pulled because the x-ray operator sees an obvious big bottle of water when the limit is 3.4 oz.)

Me: “Whose bag is this?”

Passenger: “Oh! Oh! Oohhh! It’s mine! Is there something wrong?”

Me: “I just need to take a quick look inside, ma’am. This shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes.”

Passenger: “Well, hurry. I think they’re boarding my plane.”

(I open her bag and find the bottle almost immediately. She gasps as I pull it out.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid you cannot have this beyond this point.”

Passenger: “Why not? I just bought it, and it’s unopened!”

Me: “Ma’am, the rules clearly state that you cannot have any liquids over 3.4 oz in your carry on. If you’d like to, you could–”

Passenger: “But that’s not a liquid!”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Passenger: “It’s not a liquid! It’s water! W-A-T-E-R! You know, H-2-O? For the love of God, don’t they hire anyone with more than a grade school education for security?”

(The fire alarm is going off at our extended-stay hotel. I get a call at the front desk.)

Hotel Guest: ”What is that sound?”

Me: ”That’s the fire alarm ma’am, please evacuate the building.”

Hotel Guest: “Well, can you please turn it off? My son is sleeping.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. Only the Fire Department can, once they inspect the building. Please take your son and evacuate the building immediately.”

Hotel Guest: ”I can’t do that, he’s sleeping!”

Me: *bangs head on the counter*

(In the Chinese restaurant where I work, we have little bottles of soy sauce on every table. They look like they’re tightly closed, but the top actually doesn’t close at all. A lady and her daughter finish dinner and are leaving.)

Me: “Excuse me madam, but I’m afraid the soy sauce is restaurant property. You can’t take it.”

Mother: “You calling me a thief? I want to speak to the manager! This will cost you your job, you little b****!”

Daughter: “Um, mum…”

Me: “The manager is not in right now, but if you want the sauce, it’s on sale at the front of the restaurant.”

Mother: “You’ve got some nerve! I never even touched your stinking sauce, you c**! Call the manager now!”

(Several customers are starting to giggle and the daughter looks like she’s about to die.)

Me: “Maybe you have taken the sauce without noticing? Because I’m sure you touched it at some point.”

Mother: “You’re sure? I tell you I didn’t touch it! You can’t treat your customers that way! You telling me you’ve been spying on me or something?”

Me: “Certainly not. But the huge brown stain on your purse is hard to ignore.”

(Her daughter drags her by the arm and they storm out the front door, leaving a sticky trail of soy sauce from the mother’s cloth purse. I laughed so hard I didn’t even mind them stealing the sauce.)

(A South American customer and his wife were browsing in a souvenir shop where I work; note that it’s located in Scotland.)

Customer: “Hey, why do you have mugs here with England written on them? I’m not in England… why would I buy a souvenir mug with the English flag on it?”

Me: “Well you don’t have to buy an England one. We have plenty mugs with Scotland written on them, too.”

Customer: “I can see that, I’m not stupid!”

Me: “I didn’t mean to imply you were, sir.”

Customer: “Well, you did. I just wonder why the h*** anyone would want to buy a knick knack from a country that has a different country’s name on it. What’s the point?”

Me: “I really don’t know what to tell you, we’ve just always stocked those mugs.”

Customer: “I don’t see the point.” *calls to his wife, who comes over*

Customer: “There are England mugs in a Scotland shop!”

Customer’s wife: “Wow, that’s really f***ing stupid. What’s the point? Ask the girl.”

Customer: “She doesn’t know. This is so stupid.”

Customer’s wife: “She’s stupid. ”

(His wife puts down the Loch Ness Monster teddy she is holding and walks out of the shop. He turns back to me.)

Customer: “You should know things like that; you do work here. What’s the point?!”

Customer: “I want a coffee.”

Me: “What sort of coffee can I get for you, sir?”

Customer: “Just black coffee.”

Me: “Would you like drip coffee or an Americano, sir?”

Customer: “Don’t make it so BLOODY COMPLICATED, just get me a coffee! And don’t try to sell me them fancy things like sprinkles, neither!”

(My coworker and I stifle our laughter as I silently ring up the largest size of the most expensive ‘black’ coffee.)

Customer: “That’s better. No more of your lip!”

Coworker: *laughs out loud*

(I’ve just spent about 10 minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

Customer: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

Me: “No…?”

(I was so dumbfounded I didn’t realize how stupid the question actually was until 10 minutes later.)

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Wireless. May I have the 10 digit number you’re calling about today?”

Customer: “Yes, can you spell thousand for me?”

Me: “… excuse me?”

Customer: “Can you spell thousand?”

Me: “Um, sure. T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.”

Customer: “T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.”

Me: “Yes that’s correct…”

Customer: “Okay, thank you. Can you spell fifteen?”

Me: “Um, excuse me–”

Customer: “Can you spell fifteen?”

Me: “F-I-F-T-E-E-N.”

Customer: “Okay, thank you!” *click*

Me: ???

Me: “Hi, can I help with anything?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a good book.”

Me: “Do you have any specific genre or subject in mind?”

Customer: “Yes, a good one… one that I’ll like.”

Me: “Um, you’ll have to be a bit more specific. I don’t really know what you like. Science fiction, thriller, fantasy, horror, that sort of thing?”

Customer: “Well, don’t you know any good books?”

Me: “I haven’t actually read them all, but–”

Customer: “You haven’t? What kind of librarian are you? Isn’t there anyone here who can help me?”

Me: “This one–” *holding up a book* “–is pretty popular at the mo–”

Customer: “How do you know I’ll like it?! You can’t know that. I want a book that I’ll like.”

(I get frustrated and just grab a random book that was recently turned in.)

Me: “Here, you’ll love this one!”

(Unfortunately, she did like it, and told my boss to thank me for my great suggestion. Darn.)

(We were trying to troubleshoot a printer than quit working…)

Coworker: “… go ahead and click on the printer and faxes icon.”

Customer: “It’s not opening.”

(My coworker tries it himself, and waits nearly 40 minutes for a window to pop up: it eventually shows 70,916 documents in the queue!)