Me: “What kind of computer do you have?”

Customer: “It’s a Motorola.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “I said, it’s Motorola!”

Me: “Okay…are you running Windows?”

Customer: “NO, it’s Vista.”

Me: *long pause* “Oooh-kaaayyy…….”

(I have just completed a survey with this man and am now asking him for his name, where he lives age etc.)

Me: “Okay, I just need to ask you a few questions about your demographics. ”

Man: “Well, would you like like my Earth information or my home planet information?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Man: “Well, like for example: here on earth, I am 45, but on my home planet, I am 270.”

Me: *not sure if he is serious* “Well, I think that I will take your…Earth…information. It would be most relevant to us.”

Man: “Actually, I think I will give you both, just in case. That way, if you can’t get ahold of me here, you can try me at my home planet. ”

(The man proceeded to give me both sets of information, including his Earth name, Andrew, and his other name…Qinjax.)

Me: “Good afternoon, who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s the tenth time I’m calling in! Please just transfer me already.”

Me: “Who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s ***. Now transfer me to the right section.”

Me: “…how may I help you?”

Customer: “Jesus, are you dumb? I just want you to transfer my call to someone who can actually help me.”

Me: “I’m not transferring your call until you tell me what’s going on, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s my statement. It’s wrong and I want a refund. Now transfer this call.”

Me: “What’s your cellphone number with the area code?”

Customer: “Just transfer this already. I’m responsible for your paycheck!”

*OH SNAP*

Me: “Alright. Do you have your statement in your hands?”

Customer: “Yeah. Transfer the call!”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

*silence*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

*silence*

Me: “Does it?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “So you have nothing to do with my paycheck, I guess. Plus, you haven’t paid your last one and I still got my paycheck. Now, can I please check some information before transferring the call?”

Customer: *sighs* “Yeah, okay…”

(Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)

Me: “Hotel *****, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”

Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive.”

Customer: “Oh, no, were not coming by boat.”

Me: “Okay, helicopter then?”

Customer: “Oh no, that’s silly.”

Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here.”

Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”

Customer: “You can’t?”

Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”

Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”

Me: *headdesk*

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