(Our bar has been reserved for a private party. Signs are up all over the place, on fluorescent pink paper, including on the front door, right at eye level. A customer approaches the bar.)

Me: “Hi…I’m sorry, but the bar’s closed to the public tonight as there’s a private function taking place.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t see the sign on the door!”

Me: “So…how do you know it’s there?”

Customer: “…”

(It was raining one day and didn’t look like it would be stopping any time soon.)

Guest: “Hi, could you tell me when it’s going to stop raining?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure.”

Guest: “Well, why not? I came here to enjoy the park, and my family can’t do that when its pouring rain! When will it stop so we know when to come back?”

Me: “Hold on a sec…”

(I pick up the phone.)

Me: “Hi, GOD? Ya, its me, how you doing? Ya, ya…I’m good as you can see. Well you see this woman standing next to me? She’s wondering when you’re gonna stop the rain so she can enjoy the park…Oh, okay. I’ll let her know! Have a magical day!”

(The woman storms off to another cast member and demands to see my manager. I got fired, but it was TOTALLY worth it!)

(I’m part of a small animation company. One project in particular was assigned to me alone, forcing me to deal with two customers. A specification nightmare waiting to happen, but I still accepted it. This happened at a meeting relatively far along, with work close to being finished.)

Me: “So, that’s the current state. I still have to add in details, but that’s not an issue within the deadline.”

Customer 1: “Looks great to me already. Looking forward to the final product…just one gripe.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer 1: “The animation runs too slowly.”

(I’m confused, as I made it pretty fast already. Customer 2 pipes up.)

Customer 2: “What? No! It is way too fast!”

(I try to interrupt the beginning squabble, but am not successful. The two customers squabble for a full fifteen minutes whether it is too slow or too fast.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer 1 and 2: *still squabbling*

Me: “Excuse me! I’ve got another meeting in fifteen, so may I make a suggestion?”

Customer 1 and 2: *simultaneously* “Yes?”

Me: “How about we compromise and leave the speed as it is?”

(The looks the two of them exchanged were golden, as if that thought had never crossed their mind. It’s one of those rare cases I got it my way…)

Me: “What can I get you?”

Customer: “I want coffee, but I don’t want any caffeine in it.”

Me: “So you want decaffeinated coffee?”

Customer: “No, I want regular coffee. I also want you to take the caffeine out of it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you’ll have to buy decaf if you don’t want any caffeine.”

Customer: “Just gimme that coffee, and make sure to take the caffeine out.”

(She turns her back for a moment to rummage through her purse. I pour her a cup of decaf anyway.)

Me: “Here you go, ma’am!”

Customer: “Did you take the caffeine out?”

Me: “Yep!”

(I’m shopping in the dollar store, fully clothed in my Taco Bell uniform. I even have the hat on, too.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir, do you work here?”

Me: “Does it LOOK like I work here?”

Customer: “Yes?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Oh…well, do you know how much this is?”

Me: “It’s a dollar.”

Customer: “How did you know that if you didn’t work here?”

Me: “Lady, do you have ANY idea where you are right now? You are in a dollar store. Do you know what that means?”

Customer: “That’s impossible.”

Me: “…what?”

Customer: “This store doesn’t sell dollars.”

(At this point I didn’t know whether I should slap her or retreat and laugh till I puked.)

(My store has a drive-thru menu board before the actual board where customers order. It only has pictures on it, no electronics of any sort.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I already gave my order to the first guy and he told me to pull up to the second board.”

Me: “That’s not possible, ma’am. There’s no one who could take your order at that first board. Can I take your order?”

Customer: “I already told you I gave my order to the first guy. He knows it. Ask him.”

Me: “Could you repeat it for me?”

Customer: “NO! I’m driving up now.”

(The customer drives up and I finally get her to repeat her order, which turns out to be a lot of food. I ask her to pull to the front door, which is literally twenty feet from the drive-thru window. Instead, she drives out of the drive-thru lane, drives around the entire store, and comes back in the drive-thru lane. She pulls up and looks at me again.)

Customer: “I told the guy at the first board that I was parked and he told me to pull right up. I hope you are nice because the last girl was really rude to me.”

Me: “…”

(We are running this little sale that offers the customer 20% off on regular priced item.)

Customer: “So, can I use the sale coupon on sale items?”

Me: “Unfortunately, the coupon is only good on regularly priced item.”

Customer: “What about sale items?”

Me: “It can only be used on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “But the shoes were $109, and now they are $79.”

Me: “We can only use it on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “But it’s marked down!”

Me: *losing patience, but still with a smile* “I’m sorry, but again we can only use it on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “Well, then make my shoes regular priced and give me my 20%!”

Me: “Sure, I’d be happy to. You grand total comes to $87.20.”

Customer: “Finally! I swear, all you people try to do is swindle us out of buying sale items with that regular priced coupon. But I see through what you’re trying to do.”

Me: “Yes. I’ll do everything I can to give you the best deal you want.”

Man: “I want to get a drink.”

Me: “Sure. We have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade, root beer, iced tea, shakes, or smoothies.”

Man: “I’ll have an orange soda.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we only have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade, root beer, iced tea, shakes, or smoothies.”

Man: “I’ll take fruit punch.”

Me: “No, we only have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade, root beer, iced tea, shakes, or smoothies.”

Man: “Pink lemonade?”

Me: “It’s regular yellow. Is that okay?”

Man: “No, I’ll have the raspberry tea.”

Me: “It’s unsweetened.”

Man: “What kind of place is this?! Is there ANYTHING to drink here?”

Me: “YES! Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade, root beer, iced tea, shakes, or smoothies.”

Man: “I’ll just have a cup of ice.”

Me: “…”

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you sold me a television remote control earlier…”

(Note that this same customer bought a universal remote control and required five minutes of explanation as to why a universal remote would work on her Magnavox TV.)

Me: “Yes, what about it?”

Customer: “Well, I can’t program it.”

Me: “Did you read the instruction manual? There’s not much I can do over the phone.”

Customer: “Can’t you program it over the phone?”

Me: “No, ma’am. You need to program it to your television. Without being there, I can’t do it.”

Customer: “No lights come on, is there a battery in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That type of remote comes with a battery.”

Customer: “You’re not helpful!” *click*

(A few minutes later, she calls back.)

Customer: “Yes, I called about the remote. I still can’t program it. I don’t think you gave me a battery and I think you ripped me off.”

Me: “Could you flip the remote over and see if there is a battery in it?”

Customer: “Yeah, hold on…hey, what’s this? What about this tab that says “Remove Before Using”? Should I take that out?”

Me: *major facepalm* “Yes ma’am. ”

Customer: “Hey, the lights work now. Finally, you did something useful!” *click*

(Not surprisingly, the lady calls back a few minutes later asking if the volume plus button was the one with the up arrow or the down arrow.)

We are a Specialist Inspection company. Over two years ago, we did a job at short notice for another company that could not supply the service. They refused to pay us the US$40,000 despite getting paid by the client (and making a decent profit) and we were in the process of taking them to court to get payment.

They were making the matter even more drawn out than normal by messing the court about, not turning up, etc. I recently got a phone call from their operations manager.

Customer: “Ah, Mr. A***, we need you to do an urgent job for us.”

Me: “…but you still owe us $40,000 from the last job we did for you.”

Customer: “What about the good relationship between our companies?

Me: “We don’t have a good relationship. We are taking you to court over this, remember?”

Customer: “Please Mr. A***, that is all in the past. Can we not work together, for the good of the relationship?”

Me: “The last time I saw you, you lied to me. Your manager has only ever lied to me. You owe us $40,000 dollars. We are taking you to court. How can we have a good relationship?”

Customer: “We must work together, to build a good relationship.”

Me: “What about our money?”

Customer: “You are always going on about the money! Why can’t we have a good relationship?”

Me: “It’s not going to happen.”

Customer: “See, that is why we need a good relationship!”

Me: “Goodbye.”

Customer: “But what ab–” *click*