(I’m selling a camcorder to a man and his girlfriend. The guy is clueless about cameras and the girl knows a little bit more.)

Guy: “I don’t really know too much about cameras, she knows more than I do. I just want something good.”

Me: “Well this one is good because…” *explaining*

Guy to girl: “Honey, do you understand any of this?”

Girl: “Yeah, don’t worry. I think I know what we want.”

Guy to me: “Look, if you had to choose a camera to take naked pictures of her *points to girlfriend*, which would you choose?”

Me: “Well…this one has a built in hard drive so you can tape for longer without changing tapes.”

(The guy’s phone rings and he leaves me alone with girlfriend.)

Girl: “Do you get that a lot?”

Me: “More than you would think.”

Customer: “So it says ‘message sent’…does that mean it’s been sent?”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “Oh okay. So they should receive that, then?”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “Okay. And I mean, if they received it, will they get back to me right away?”

Me: “Well, it depends how long it takes them.”

Customer: “Oh. So how do I know if it’s sent?”

Me: “It says ‘message sent’ on the screen.”

Customer: “Oh okay. So when should I expect a reply?”

Me: “…”

(Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time this routine has been carried out, with the same person.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am. And may I have your zip code?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “Well, it’s something I have to take. Don’t worry, we–”

Woman: “No!”

Me: “I, uh–”

Woman: “No! You’re not getting my zip code.”

Me: “Right. Because I’m going to TAKE that zip code and knock on the door of EVERY house in the code just to FIND YOU!”

(The customer left, but I felt a lot better.)

Me: “Hi, I understand that you’re having problems with your delivery.”

Customer: “Yes, your stupid SOB driver won’t deliver to my apartment. I saw him through the window and thought he’d be right up, but he never came up.”

Me: “Ma’am, I see that you live in an apartment complex, is there a security code or call box on the gate that the driver would need to use to gain access to your complex?”

Customer: “There isn’t a call box or a gate code. The gates stay locked all day.”

Me: “Well, without a gate code or a call box at the gate, my driver can’t get through to your gate. Furthermore, if you saw him outside of the complex, why didn’t you go out to greet him?”

Customer: “That’s not my problem. I shouldn’t have to leave my apartment to get my package. It’s your job to deliver it to my door.”

Me: “Actually, it is your problem if you’d like to receive your package today.”

Customer: “You can’t speak to me like that! I demand to speak to your supervisor!

Me: “Ma’am, I *am* the supervisor. I also dispatch to the driver to reattempt delivery to your address.”

Customer: “I still don’t see why I have do half of your job. You’re the delivery company.”

Me: “No problem ma’am. We’ll bring it back to the building tonight and we’ll try it again tomorrow. If we can’t reach your door tomorrow, then we’ll try again a third time and after that if it gets sent back to the shipper, you’ll have to address it with them.”

Customer: “NO! NO! NO! Fine! I’ll prop the gate open, it’s medication that I need today!”

Me: *looks in system, it’s Victoria Secret*

(A customer spent about 15 minutes asking every employee where the 9 inch taper candles were located that she bought the last time she visited the store. All the while, she was holding onto a 10 inch taper candle. Our store never carried a 9 inch taper candle–they only come in 6, 8, 10, 12 and 15 inches. The store owner is observing the customer during this whole time.)

Customer: “I want to talk to the manager!”

Manager/wife of the owner: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “I know I bought 9 inch taper candles here before. Show me where they are located.”

Wife of the owner: “I am sorry, but we have never sold a 9 inch taper candle. They do not come in that size.”

Customer: “I know you had them, where are they!”

(The owner reaches out and grabs the 10 inch taper from the customer’s hand. He bites off 1 inch of the taper and hands it back to the customer.)

Owner: “THERE IS YOUR 9 INCH TAPER CANDLE!”

Customer: *to the wife of the owner* “I want to talk to the OWNER!”

Wife of the owner: “You just did.”

Related:
Even Owners Have A Stupid Quota
Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota

Me: “Good morning sir, would you like a room for the night?”

Husband: “Ummmmm…I dunno, let me go ask my wife.”

(He leaves for about 10 minutes.)

Husband: “She said yes. How much for 1 bed?”

Me: “It’s 79 plus tax, sir, but the only single bed rooms we have right now are smoking rooms.”

Husband: “Okay, let me go ask my wife.”

(He’s gone for another 10 minutes or so. He comes back with his wife.)

Wife: “Why don’t you have any non-smoking rooms?”

Me: “We sold out of them earlier this afternoon. In fact, we only have 3 rooms left for the night.”

Wife: “Well, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard in all my life! You are going to rent me a room or I’m going to have to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Okay ma’am, what kind of room would you like? ”

Wife: “WE would like a single, NON-SMOKING ROOM!”

Me: “I already told you and your husband that we only have smoking rooms available.”

Wife: “I. WANT. NON. SMOKING.”

Me: “I only have smoking rooms left. If you want, though I can give you the location of another hotel.”

Husband: “We’re only gonna be here a few hours. Smoking is fine. I’m just sleeping.”

(They bicker back and forth for nearly 20 minutes. Another customer comes up to the desk, and I offer to help her.)

Wife: “You will not help anyone else until you help me!”

(The other customer doesn’t seem to mind and stands back.)

Wife: “Just give me the stupid smoking room.”

Me: “I need to see your driver’s license, ma’am.”

Wife: “WHAT? ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME! I’VE NEVER BEEN ASKED FOR MY LICENSE AT ANY HOTEL BEFORE!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s standard procedure for pretty much any hotel you go to. It’s for liability reasons, and in case the room is damaged in any way.”

Wife: “F*** YOU! YOU’RE A F***ING SPY! I WILL NOT BE KEPT UNDER SURVEILLANCE! F*** YOU AND YOUR STUPID F***ING HOTEL!”

(The wife proceeds to throw everything she can reach at me, and tries coming over the counter at me. She then starts stripping off her clothes and running around in circles in the lobby. Thankfully the other customer calls 911 and the police arrive in moments. I gave the second lady a complimentary room.)

(I was working checkouts the other day when I overheard this happening at the service desk.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return these outfits.”

Coworker: “Alright, may I see your receipt?”

(The customer hands over a receipt dated about 7 months ago.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, we can only accept returns within the first ninety days.”

Customer: “But my child outgrew these! Am I supposed to just lose money on them?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, children do tend to outgrow clothing.”

Customer: “Well, what am -I- supposed to do with them? Why should -I- lose money because of this?!”

Coworker: “…”

(A pimply, overweight 18 year-old boy dumps a satin black flame-job man thong on the counter.)

Boy: “Uh, can I return this? My mom got it for me.”

(Customer calls our department.)

Me: “Bath and Bedding Department…”

Customer: “Yes, do you guys carry sheets?”

Me: “Yes we do.”

Customer: “Do you carry king sized sheets?”

Me: “Yes we do.”

Customer: “Do you have a lot of sheets?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We have a wide variety of sheets.”

Customer: “Good. I need you to put on hold for me a green set. Then again, put on hold a rose color too. Oh, and ivory and white. And some navy. I’ll be in to pick out what I want.”

Me: “But what kind of sheets? We have several brands and thread counts to choose from…”

Customer: “What is your name?”

Me: *gives her my name*

Customer: “Okay, I am going to come into your store and find you! Just be sure to get me those colors. I’ll be there in an hour!” *hangs up*

(Of course, she never showed up.)

(Talking to a female customer…)

Me: “Do you see the ‘Local Area Connection’ icon?”

Customer: “Yes, I see your ‘Local Erection’.”