(I am almost done making a customer’s sandwich and I ask if she would like anything else on it…)

Lady: “Yeah, just put whatever else you normally put on it.”

Me: “Well, I can put on whatever you want me to put on. We don’t have anything that we put on every sandwich. In fact, most are rarely ever the same.”

Lady: “Look, you don’t have to get smart! Just put whatever else you put on it.”

Me: “Well, what do you want on it?”

Lady: “That stuff that you always put on these!”

Me: “If you just say what it is you want, I will put it on for you.”

Lady: “That stuff you always put on it!”

(The lady’s husband walks over.)

Lady’s husband: “She wants pepper.”

Me: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Lady: “Yes, my daughter saw an ad for slip-n-slides in your store. I thought if you did have them, they’d be up here.”

Me: “Um, no, we don’t have them.”

Lady: “Ha! I knew it!”

Me: “Yeah, we don’t have them here. Just small appliances up here.”

Lady: “Yeah, my daughter is 12 years old, and she’s wrong. I can’t wait to tell her.”

Me: “Heh… yeah.”

Lady: “I can’t wait to rub it in her face. Mom’s right, and she’s wrong, FOR ONCE!”

Me: *facepalm*

Customer: “Hi, do you work here?”

Me: “Yeah, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Do you sell baby mayonnaise?”

Me: “… no. Seriously, I don’t think it even exists.”

Customer: “Oh, okay…”

Me: “Ma’am, could you speak up?”

Customer: “Yes, sorry. So that’s a large pepperoni pizza and…”

*incoherent screaming*

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Sorry. Do you have chicken wings?”

Me: “Yes. Hot, mild, lemon pepper–”

*incoherent screaming*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Sorry. An order of hot wings, then. Do you have 2-liter drinks?”

Me: “No, but–”

*incoherent screaming*

Me: “Could you ask your friend to please quiet down?”

Customer: “He just needs some din-din before bed.”

Me: “Children can be testy this late at night.”

Customer: “Oh no, it’s my husband.”

Me: “Is it too late to change your mind?”

Customer: “Not yet. We got married today.”

Me: “… congratulations?”

Related:
Ah, Marriage
All Husbands Must Be Kept On A Leash
Behind Every Man Is An Embarrassed Wife
Behind Every Husband Is A Brutally Honest Wife

(My friend worked as a lifeguard in a swimming pool).

Customer: “This pool is too cold, can’t you see my baby is going blue?!”

Lifeguard: “I’ll check the temperature for you, but as all the other babies are fine it shouldn’t be too cold.”

(He takes a temperature reading and it is nearly 35 degrees C/95 degrees F.)

Customer: “Well, it’s still too cold.”

Lifeguard: *gives up* “Very well, if you would like to boil a lobster that’s fine by me.”

(Unfortunately, the customer had no sense of humor and shortly thereafter my lifeguard friend had no job.)

(We had been having some issues with are fire alarm system and it happened to go off the night I was working. We are all standing outside and there are 5 firetrucks and firemen running everywhere. A man walks up to the doors and walks in.)

Me: “Sir, you can not go inside just yet…”

Customer: “I just need one thing. I will be real quick, just come in and ring me up!”

Me: “Sir, can you not see that we have a possible fire situation? We are not allowed into the building until the fire department clears us.”

Customer: “It’s probably nothing. I will be real quick. Just let me get my stuff and I will be gone and you guys can continue.”

Me: “Sir, that is not up to me to decide. We have to let the fire department finish what they are doing. It is for our safety.”

Customer: *frustrated* “Fine! If you are not going to let me just grab a few things, I will take my business somewhere else!”

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m trying to install your program but it keeps quitting during the set up.”

Me: “Are you getting any error messages?”

Customer: “No, it just quits and I have to restart the installation.”

Me: “At what point does it quit?”

Customer: “Well, it’s on the screen where is says registration code. I hit cancel and then it quits.”

Me: “In order for the installation process to finish, you need to put in a registration code.”

Customer: “Can you give me one?”

Me: “For your program to work, you need to put in the code that comes with it.”

Customer: “Well, how do I find that?”

Me: “It would be on a slip of paper inside the box.”

Customer: “What box?”

Me: “The box that the CD came in.”

Customer: “I didn’t get a box. Could you just give me a code?”

Me: “When you bought the program it came in a box, did you lose the box?”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t buy it, I got it from a friend. But I don’t think she bought it either. The CD looks like it was homemade.”

Me: “… homemade?”

Customer: “Yeah, the top of the CD has handwriting on it. It’s just like the music CDs she gives to me.”

Me: “I’m going to have to assume that the person who gave you this CD downloaded the program illegally. I can not provide you with a code to activate the software without a proper purchase.”

Customer: “So now I can’t use it?”

Me: “Not without purchasing it.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to pay for it, I just want to use it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it just won’t work that way.”

Customer: “Well, what good are you, you lousy b**ch?!” *click*

(Back story: our local government has banned Grand Theft Auto 4, but this was never publicly announced. I put up a sign that said in big letters “GTA IV IS BANNED AND IS NOT AVAILABLE FOR SALE”.)

Me: “Good evening, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I wanna buy Grand Theft Auto 4.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that game is unavailable as it is banned in Dubai.”

Customer: “So… how much?”

Me: “It’s banned. You can’t buy it in the country.”

Customer: “Ahh, wait, I see the sign. Sorry, I didn’t notice it before…”

(He spends several minutes studying the sign intently.)

Customer: “Can you reserve a copy for me or what?”

Me: “Sir, you cannot buy it. If I even had a copy and sold it to you, it would be illegal… do you understand?”

Customer: “So, I can’t buy it?”

Me: “That’s correct.”

Customer: “Well, I think you’re keeping it for yourself!”

Another Customer: “Hey why don’t you just leave? The guy said you can’t buy one and the huge sign explains why you can’t.”

Customer: “Look f**ker! I just want the game so give it to me before I seriously hurt you!”

Me: “Just piss off, alright? I don’t have it and I wouldn’t sell it to a prick like you anyway. Now get out of my shop!”

(The other customers in line applaud and cheer.)

Customer: “Well gee, sorry… you don’t have to be so rude!” *walks out*

(My blood pressure is just returning to normal when the original customer suddenly runs in COMPLETELY NAKED. Before we can react he grabs a Guitar Hero 3 guitar that is on display and proceeds to HIT ME ON THE HEAD WITH IT. My customers in line jump him and we eventually subdue him. We call the police and he was never seen again. I lost 1000 dollars worth (about 3000 dirhams, our local currency) in broken merchandise.)

(A customer calls back to complain about an order of pizza that I, the manager, had made and she had just received.)

Me: “Hi ma’am, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I am legally blind and my mother is looking at my pizza and saying the pepperoni, sausage and green pepper pizza is missing the sausage.”

Me: “So your pizza is missing the sausage?”

Customer: “Mom, it’s missing sausage right?”

Mother: “Well… no. It has plenty of sausage on it… but there is a slice with just pepperoni!”

Customer: “My mom says it has plenty of sausage on it, but there is a slice with just pepperoni.”

Me: “So a slice has nothing but pepperoni on it?”

Customer: “Mom, a slice only has pepperoni, right?”

Mother: “Well… no, it is evenly spread out… but there are mushrooms on this pizza!”

Customer: “My mom says it is evenly spread out, but there are mushrooms on this pizza.”

Me: “So there are mushrooms on the pizza?”

Customer: “Mom, there are mushrooms on that pizza, right?

Mother: “Well, no…”

Customer: *to me* “I’m sorry to have taken up your time…”

Customer: “I would like to get a portrait of my dog done.”

Me: “Okay, sure. I would love to do that for you.”

Customer: “Do you always do your portraits in black and white? Because I would like it in color.”

Me: “Sorry, no… I just work in pencil.”

Customer: “So you can’t do color?”

Me: “No, all my portraits are done in graphite pencil. I don’t paint or anything.”

Customer: “Aw, well I really wanted it in color, but oh well… I guess.”

(She then proceeds to hand me a picture of her pure white dog with a black nose.)