(At the self checkout, a customer is waving a lime over the scanner.)

Customer: “Why isn’t my lime scanning?”

Me: “Produce items don’t have bar codes on them, ma’am.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: *facepalm*

Me: “Hello ma’am, what can I do for you?”

Woman: “Well, I’m looking for a book to get my daughter reading, but I’m not sure where to look.”

Me: “Okay, what does your daughter like?”

Woman: “She really likes ghosts…and gangs.”

Me: “?”

Woman: “Oh, she’s a gang member.”

Me: “Um…”

(A tiny, little white girl in a wife beater hops up to the desk.)

Girl: “Yo, mama, you find me a d*mn book yet?”

Me: “…true crime?”

(So, I help them find a book about gang wars, because I guess that fits both stipulations and take them to the register. My manager is working the register and tells me that he used to be really good friends with the mother. After I tell him that she said her little girl was a gang member he tells me that “they both were always a little stupid.”)

(Note: I wasn’t actually an employee, I was just a regular customer walking around this store. A middle aged woman walks up to me.)

Lady: “Excuse me, do you have any golf clubs?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t work here.”

Lady: “But you look like you do…”

Me: “Sorry, no…all the employees here have red vests and tags that say ***** ******* on them.”

Lady: “But can you tell me where the golf clubs are?”

Me: “No, I don’t even live in this town [which was true]. I am just looking around.”

Lady: “Well, you’re no help. I might as well look in the other store.” *walks away in a huffy mood*

Me, loudly: “MAYBE IF YOU PAID ME, I’D HELP!”

(Telephone technical support for a printer manufacturer.)

Customer: “First of all, I’m a Mac tech, so I know what the hell I’m doing; let’s get that straight right away!”

Me: “Ok.”

(It turned out he needed to reinstall some fonts, so we got the installer started.)

Customer: “It says, ‘Insert Disk One.’ What should I do?”

Me: “Um, insert disk one…”

Customer: “What’s the difference between low-fat and non-fat yogurt?”

Me: “Well, the low-fat has only a small amount of fat whereas the non-fat has none at all.”

Customer: “What’s fat?”

Me: “…”

(I have a line of guests at the front desk waiting to check in, but I can’t ignore the phone ringing. I saw that it was an inside call from a room and I answer it, hoping this will be quick. I’m used to stupid questions but this was the best.)

Me: “Guest services, how may I help you?”

Guest: “Yes, how do you work the television?”

Me, without missing a beat: “There should be a remote control on the nighttable in between the two beds in your room. On it, there should be a circular orange button that says “POWER”. Push it and the TV should turn on.”

(At this point, the young couple in front of me is laughing.)

Guest: “Okay, what do I do then?”

Me: “Well, once the TV is on, you can push the yellow arrow buttons that say ‘channel’ to find the station you’d like to watch. Would you like to know where the channel listing is in your room?”

Guest: “No, but thanks. I’ll give it a try.”

Me: “My pleasure.” *hangs up*

Young couple, still laughing: “Are you serious?”

(This happened during a tornado that crashed down just up the street from the store I worked in. The power went out, and one of the AC units had almost been ripped off the building. After a brief panic in which all customers and staff were shut in the tornado-shelter/assistant manager’s office, we employees locked down the building and started counting down registers, waiting until the storm had calmed down to let anyone go. It was raining, and the parking lot was actually flooding at this point.)

Me: “Wouldn’t it be funny if someone came tearing in here, possessed with the desire to buy something? Because obviously, in the dark, during a tornado, this is the best time to beat crowds.”

Norma (team lead): *laughs* “That’s mean.”

(Not ten minutes later, standing by the glass front doors to watch the storm, we see a woman run across the four-lane highway outside, dodging between stopped cars. She tears across the parking lot, carrying her high heels in her hand, and stops to put them on before trying the doors to our building. She tugs, but they’re locked, so of course, she knocks. After a moment of amazement, our Ladies department manager Lara answers the door.)

Lara: “Ma’am, we’re closed.”

Woman: *panting* “Really?”

Me: “Tornado took our power out.”

Woman: “Are you really closed?”

(By now, both the captive customers and the employees are exchanging glances. I look at Norma, who stares wide-eyed at the woman.)

Lara: “There’s really no way we could ring you up for anything. We have no power.”

Woman: “Oh, that’s too bad. I thought now would be a good time to get some shopping done! I’ll just go back to my car, then.”

Lara: “Ma’am, there is torrential rain pouring down out there, and the wind is moving the cars.”

Woman: “Well I can’t buy anything, why should I stay?” *leaves*

(Though our policy states that we should try to detain people, we cannot legally do that, so Lara lets her go. I turn to Norma and say…)

Me: “…didn’t I just tell that joke?”

Related:
After The Tornado, Dorothy Never Was Quite The Same

Me: *notices woman walking into store* “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I see you have two DVDs for 10 dollars.”

Me: “Actually ma’am, that sale ended yesterday.”

Customer: “Well, I have to buy some for my son for Christmas, so maybe you can be a doll and ring them up for me for that price.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because that sale ended yesterday.”

Customer: “What difference is it to you the price you sell these DVD’s at?!”

Me: “My job…”

Customer: “How about it I give you $5.00?”

Me: “…sure.”

(I go and ring up the two DVDs, and take the woman’s money. With the five dollars she gave me, this adds up to the normal retail price so she’s saved nothing.)

Me: “Have a happy holiday, ma’am.”

Customer: *winks at me*

(I received a trouble ticket for an HP 930c Printer at our Ohio warehouse.)

Me: “Hello, I hear you are having a problem with your printer.”

Customer: “Yes, I changed the cartridge and it says that it’s still out of ink.”

Me: “Ok, did you remove the blue tape before inserting the new print cartridge?”

Customer: “Yep! Sure did!”

(After literally two hours of model number and cartridge number verification and even installing new firmware on the printer among many other things…)

Me: “Ok ma’am, can you take the ink cartridge out for me?”

Customer: “Ok, it’s out.”

Me: “Is there blue tape over the copper on the bottom of the cartridge?”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “Could you remove it and re-install the cartridge?”

Customer: “Oh hey! It works!”

(I’ve never wished more that I could slap people via telephony.)

Related:
PEBCAK, Episode II
Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

(A couple approaches, and the dude ditches quickly to the back of the store while the woman barks…)

Woman: “I need some tickets!”

Me: “What show?”

Woman: “I need tickets to the concert.”

Me: “Which one?”

Woman: “The concert.”

Me: “There are a lot of concerts going on, which one do you want to see?”

Woman: “I don’t know what it’s called.”

Me: “Who’s playing?”

Woman: “A bunch of people…I don’t know.”

Me: “Do you know where it’s going to be?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “When?”

Woman: “No–why can’t you find my tickets?!?”

Me: “I need something to go on.”

Woman: “It’s a concert!”

Me: “That doesn’t narrow it down for me. That pretty much only eliminates Phantom of the Opera.”

(She finally yells at the dude who has been hiding in magazines.)

Woman: “What’s the name of the concert we’re going to?”

(The dude comes forward and gives me the name of the show, where it is and on what day.)

Woman: “Oh, NOW you can find the tickets.”

Me: “…”

Woman: “We need two tickets…TOGETHER!”

Me, looking at dude: “Are you sure?”

(He smiled, she missed it, and I lived to do retail another day.)