(I work at a place that provides kayaks, hiking/climbing gear, canoes, and inner tubes for students at our university.)

Young Woman: “Hi, I need deodorant and a tampon.”

Me: “Um, we don’t have those here.”

Young Woman: “What do you mean?”

Me: “This is the Outdoor Center. We provide outdoor recreational equipment for students.”

Young Woman: “Well I’m a student, I’m outside, and I need deodorant and a tampon!”

(About this time my co worker looks up with a look on her face of WTF?!)

Me: “Yeah…those don’t come with kayaks or canoes.”

Young Woman: “They should!”

(I walk off to let my female coworker take over this one.)

Tourist: “Are you from here?”

Me: “Yes.”

Tourist: “We are here to see the whales.”

Me: “Oh, that sounds exciting.”

Tourist: “So is there some little place known only to locals where you can watch the whales lay their eggs?”

Me: *trying not to die laughing* “Um…yes there is, but we really aren’t supposed to tell the tourists.”

Tourist: “Come on, please? We’ve come a long way. There’s big tip in it for you.”

Me: “Well, okay. If you go down to the beach around 2am, make really loud whale calls and wave your arms around, it will make them feel welcome. They will swim up to you, dig a hole in the sand with their fins and lay their eggs.”

(I always wondered if she went.)

(I’m meeting a client’s boss face to face, after only contact via email thus far.)

Client’s Boss: “So you are the guy sending technical emails to one of my teams!”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t follow.”

Client’s Boss: “You sent a bunch of emails filled with technical jargon when all they wanted was some help with their system.”

Me: “It wasn’t technical, it was just a step by step guide on how to zip a file and send it via email. I checked it with my colleagues to make sure it was easy to understand.”

Client’s Boss: “But the team wanted to save space on their server, not do programming. You have to understand that many of them are older and don’t understand how to use computers!”

(So they don’t know how to use computers, and yet they use them everyday…scary.)

(I had just finished giving a 45 minute tour about a certain “mysterious” spot that causes people to supposedly feel dizzy and stand at strange angles.)

Tourist: “So do the birds feel the effects of the mystery?”

Me: “Well they don’t appear to fly funny, but it’s possible.”

Tourist: “…but do they FEEL the effects?”

Me: “Well, I don’t really know because I can’t exactly ask them how they feel. They are birds.”

Tourist: “I just wanna know if they feel the effects!”

Me: “Hold on, I’ll go ask them.” *walks away*

Related:
Bird Brained

Me: “[Pizza place], what can I get for you?”

Customer: “I’d like a large cheese pizza.”

Me: “Great. Anything else for you today?”

Customer: “Um…yeah. Could you undercook that? Most of the people eating the pizza don’t have teeth.”

(I used to work at this cellphone carrier like Vodafone or Cingular and people usually messed up who they were talking to.)

Me: “Good evening, who am I talking to?”

Customer: “Please, call an ambulance!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t make outgoing calls here. Not even for an ambulance. Please hang up and make the call.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I need an ambulance NOW!”

Me: “I understand. But we can’t call it for you!”

Customer: “Please help me! My cat is dying!”

Me: “Your…what?”

Customer: “My cat! He’s lying on the floor and making weird noises. He’s dying, I need an ambulance.”

(I was never sure if this was a prank call cause the lady sounded pretty serious.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, you really will have to call the vet yourself.”

Customer: “No! I need an ambulance. You can’t refuse to help me like this. I’ll sue you!”

Me: “…for what?”

Customer: “For neglecting help to someone in need! You could have called an ambulance already!”

Me: “You could too if you had just hang up and called somebody yourself, ma’am!”

Customer: “Fine, but if my cat dies, I’ll call you back!” *click*

(During Christmas season, our large bookstore gets awfully busy. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, this is ***, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Sure, I can help you out. Do you know the title?”

Customer: “Okay, so the book is about a bunny rabbit and I used to read it when I was a kid. It had a pink cover.”

Me: “…do you know the title, maybe?”

Customer: “Look, I’m very busy and I need this book for my kid. It’s about a bunny and the cover is pink. How many pink bunny books can there possibly be? Go look for it!”

Me: “Sir, we have no option in our search system regarding book covers–”

Customer: “Look. Go f***ing find it. I’m very busy!”

Me: “Sure, let me put you on hold for a little bit.” *click*

(Later, I found out that a customer came in looking for a pink bunny book and a ‘fruity sounding’ bookseller. I’m a girl.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a churro.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve churros. For desserts we have caramel apple empanadas or cinnamon twists if you want to try one of those.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want dessert! I want an enchilada!”

Me: “You mean an enchirito?”

(The customer pulls forward without saying anything. I ask a coworker to verify the order at the window because the guy wasn’t making sense.)

Coworker at the window: “You ordered a beef enchirito, correct?”

Customer: “NO! I wanted a gordita!”

(Customer calls in asking about her balance and bank charges. Just to emphasise this conversation take place over a telephone.)

Me: “Your balance is *** amount into an unplanned overdraft but you have until 3pm tomorrow to credit your account and you’ll avoid any charges.”

Her: “Hmmm, well I got some money but I won’t be able to get into my branch tomorrow. Can’t I just pay it in over the phone?”

Me: “From another account?”

Her: “No from the same account.”

Me: “I’m not sure I understand, the account is overdrawn. You needs funds from another source.”

Her: “I know, I have some from my account.”

Me: “You mean cash?”

Her: “Yeah could I do that?”

Me: “No, you would have to go into your branch to pay that in.”

Her: “I just said I can’t make it to my branch! Why can’t you just pay this in? You’re a bank aren’t you?!”

Me: “Excuse me, but just how would you expect me to pay this money in?”

(Silence, during which I would like to imagine she is looking at the money and the phone, trying to jam it in there or something.)

Her: “But it’s from my account! Can’t you just take it off the overdraft!”

Me: “I understand what you’re saying, but unless we invent a teleporter to transfer your money directly into your account it will be impossible for me to take a cash payment.”

Her: “But I’ll be charged! If I get charges I want them refunded this is ridiculous! I can’t understand why you can’t just put my account in credit!”

Me: *dying a little on the inside* “Me neither, me neither…”

(I get a call for troubleshooting from a lady who says her remote doesn’t work.)

Me: “Ok ma’am, could you try changing the channel for me? Tell me if a light flashes on the remote.”

Lady: “Ok.”

(There are a few loud beeps from her phone in my ear and she comes back on the line.)

Lady: “Nope, no flashing.”

Me: “Ma’am you’re trying to change the channel with your phone, not the remote control.”

Lady: “I can’t find the clicker, and I know my neighbor changes channels with her phone.”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not possible.”

Lady: “Don’t accuse me of lying! I saw her do it with my own eyes.”

Me: “…”

(I try for 10 minutes to explain to her why she can’t use her phone, and even make a futile attempt to troubleshoot her phone.)

Me: “Ok, well it looks like your satellite receiver isn’t compatible with your phone.”

Lady: “Yes it is. My neighbor and I have the same phone and same receiver. NOW HELP ME, DUMBA**!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you have a cordless phone?”

Lady: “Yes!”

Me: “Ok ma’am, let’s try reprogramming your phone. What I need you to do is press and hold the ‘off’ button for five seconds. This will clear the old code, so we can put the new one in.”

Lady: “Ok—” *click*

(I hear my supervisor a few rows away from me bust out laughing.)

Related:
Playing Along