(The bakery had just closed. I had clocked out, and was on my way out of the store.)

Lady: “Excuse me, could you decorate this cake for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. My shift is over, and the bakery is closed.”

Lady: “But I need it done for tomorrow! If you don’t do it, I’ll call your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, what do you do for a living?”

Lady: “I’m a dentist…”

Me: “Would you like to look at my teeth after your shift ends, for free?”

Lady: “That’s different. My job is hard. Anyone could do your job.”

Me: “Then you won’t mind taking that cake home and decorating it yourself.”

(I was called back by the pharmacist to assist with a verbally abusive customer. The more the lady yelled, the louder her kid cried. None of the other customers in line behind her could get to the register. )

Me: “How may I help you?”

Lady: “It’s about time you got back here to straighten this out! This s**thead won’t give me a medicine spoon!”

Pharmacist: “I’m sorry, I’ve tried to explain that we are all out of the complimentary spoons.”

Lady: “If my daughter ends up getting an overdose of her medicine, I’m going to sue you!”

(I rolled my eyes and walked over to a display of dosing spoons, selecting one we sell for 99 cents.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry we don’t have any of the free ones. Let me buy this one for you.”

Lady: “What? Do I look like a welfare mother to you? I don’t need your f**king charity!”

Pharmacist: “You don’t need the spoon either. Those are chewable tablets…”

(A customer walks up to the movie theater concession stand.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a cinnamon pretzel, please.”

Me: “We don’t have any of those prepared right now, so it will be about five minutes. Is that ok?”

Customer, pointing to the display case of pretzels: “Why can’t I have one of those?”

Me: “Oh, those are just for display. They’re covered in chemicals and have been there for ages.”

Customer: “So they’re not real pretzels?”

Me: “No, they’re real pretzels, just not really edible.”

Customer: “Well, you shouldn’t have them out if people can’t get them.”

Me: “We put the display case out so people can see what they’re like.”

Customer: “I still don’t understand why you have fake pretzels out instead of real ones.”

Me: “Look, even if you could eat those pretzels, look at the case; there’s no way to open it!”

Customer: “Fine. It still seems stupid to have fake pretzels.”

(I work in an upscale grocery store deli. Sometimes we run out of rotisserie chickens before the next batch is done cooking. A woman comes up to the counter holding a grocery basket.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Do you have any chickens?”

Me: “I’m sorry but it looks like we are out right now. It’s going to be about 10 to 15 minutes.”

Customer: *throws her basket down onto the floor hard enough that it slides about 7 feet and quickly stomps out the nearest door*

Me: “!?”

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Direct Sales. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I need a power cord for my product.”

Me: “I would be happy to place your order. I just need you to read me the three numbers from the front of the product.”

Caller: “Talk to my wife, I can’t read…”

(In the background, I overhear the following…)

Caller: “Get on the phone!”

Caller’s wife: “You are Satan! When spiritual warfare happens, I will have more angels on my side because you are evil and no one loves you!”

(The wife then comes on the phone and very calmly gives me the number, her address, credit card info and then hangs up.)

Related:
A Simple Hello Would Have Sufficed

(The customer decides to buy two children’s face towels, one for each child. They are $3.50 each, but you can get three for $7.00.)

Me: “Just so you know, you can get three towels for $7.”

Customer: “No thanks.”

Me: “You are paying $7 anyway, since they’re $3.50 each…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Essentially, if you buy two, you get a third one free!”

Customer: “Free?”

Me: “Yeah, one for yourself!”

Customer: “I don’t want one!”

Me: “Well, it’s an extra one for the kids, or you can give it away, or give it to me.” *I laugh lightly*

Customer: “If I get three, I’ll have to get a fourth, or the kids will fight.”

Me: “Ah, you can get a fourth one for only $2.33, because you get the discount if you buy three or more.”

Customer: “But you said the third one is free!”

Me: “It’s essentially free. When you get three or more, you’re actually paying $2.33 for each one, instead of $3.50. It works out the same.”

Customer: “So I’m paying for it, even though it’s free?”

Me: “The deal is actually three for $7, seven divided by three is $2.33; you end up paying only $2.33 for each one instead of $3.50.”

Customer: “Whoa, so the first two are $3.50, the third one is free, and the fourth one is $2.33?”

Me: “You could look at it that way, I guess…”

Customer: “You guys have confusing prices, I’m getting a headache!”

(The customer asks the kids if they want another one. They get excited and pick out two more. I scan them. Each one shows up at $3.50 each, but the computer discounts them automatically at the end).

Customer: “Hey, they all scanned at $3.50!”

Me: “Don’t worry, the discount is applied at the end.”

Customer: “You’re trying to rip me off!”

Me: “I’m not, see your subto–”

Customer: “I’m never coming here again!”

(The customer grabs the children, who start crying because they really wanted the face towels.)

(I get a service call to go out to a customer’s house to service a malfunctioning laptop. I was talking to my boss and he gave me the run down of the call.)

Me: “Alright, so what exactly does the customer want?”

Supervisor: “She says her laptop isn’t turning on, and there might be something wrong with her LCD screen.”

Me: “Ok, sounds like a hardware problem. Did she tell you why all this is going on?”

Supervisor: “Well…she was completely honest with me.”

Me: “?”

Supervisor: “She got angry and threw it against a concrete wall in a fit of rage.”

Me: “…I’ll take care of it.”

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “What time does the island close?”

Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”

Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”

Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”

Customer: “But really, when do you close?”

Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”

Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”

Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

(During a heated debate in my Sociology class about the pros and cons of immigration, the discussion turned to illegal immigration.)

Student: “I pay my taxes. If I have to pay sales tax, I think they should too!”

(I was walking a customer through setting up a fairly complex product.)

Customer: “Next or back?”

Me: “Next.”

Customer: “Okay, now next or back?”

Me: “We do not need to change any of the default settings, so we will be hitting next on the next 7 or 8 screens in a row. Let me know when another option other then next or back appears.”

Customer: *obviously not getting it* “Okay, now do I hit next or back?”

Me: “Hit next, and also hit next on the following 5 or 6 pages until there is no more next button.”

Customer: “Okay, I clicked next. Now do I hit next or back?”

(At this point I am going insane and decide to have a little fun.)

Me: “Click back.”

Customer: “Okay, now next or back?”

Me: “Click next.”

Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

Me: “Click back.”

Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

Me: “Click next.”

Customer: “Okay, next or back?”

Me: “Click back.”

(This goes on for a few minutes until the customer realises what’s going on. Or so I thought…)

Customer: “I think it’s broken, it keeps looping through the same pages!”