(I was a customer in a certain large toy store during Christmas and it was crowded. I’m on my lunch break, but still have the name tag on from my job. Note I am not in a uniform–I’m in jeans and a t-shirt. I get to where the queue is, and a woman accosts me.)

Her: “It’s about time you opened another register! It’s disgraceful you keep us waiting like this, we’re busy people!”

Me: “You know, you’re right. It IS disgraceful. I quit!”

(I take off my badge before she realises I’m not an employee, and walk out of the store.)

(I’m a lesbian who works in a seedy area of my town, and I’m hit on constantly by these really old guys, or crackheads…or drunks…)

Drunk guy: “Hey…are you single?”

Me: “Nope. Gay too.”

Drunk guy: “Oh. So you like women?”

Me: “Yep.”

Drunk guy: “I can be a woman!”

Me: “I have standards.”

(The drunk man leaves, and my coworker nearly pees herself laughing.)

(I work in a shop that sells nothing other than boxes of chocolate, in various shapes and sizes. A customer strolls into the shop holding a very expensive box.)

Customer: *brandishing the box* “I want to return this.”

Me: “Okay…could I ask you why?”

Customer: “Chocolate’s too soft.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Chocolate’s too soft. Gimme refund.”

(I should point out here that the customer was a male forty-something.)

Me: “Maybe it was just the single chocolate that you tried?”

(To my absolute horror, he opened the lid to reveal that every single last chocolate had been eaten. Both layers.)

Customer: “See? Too soft. Want refund. Give me now.”

(I was about to say something, though I’m not entirely sure what. Thankfully, the day was saved by another customer.)

Customer 2: “You just ate all the chocolates..?”

Customer 1: “Uh?”

Customer 2: “Are you mentally retarded?”

Customer 1: “Wha?”

Customer 2: “How about you f**k off and leave this poor kid to do his job?”

Customer 1: *suddenly talking normally* “I don’t think it’s any of your business–”

Customer 2: “I do.”

Customer 1: “Why!?”

Customer 2: “Because I’m from Head Office.”

Related:
We Need One Of These In Every Store

(I was working checkout, in the express lane (15 items or less). A lady with a very full trolley comes up.)

Lady: “Hi! Is this an express lane?”

Me: “Yep. You might want to go through another–”

Lady: *starts unloading stuff* “Good. I’m in a hurry.”

Me: “?!”

Old Woman: “Excuse me sir…I need some batteries.”

Me: “Of course. What kind do you need?”

Old Woman: “I…I’m not sure.”

Me: “Not a problem. What do you need the batteries for? I might be able to match them up to the product.”

Old Woman: “…I need them for my ghetto blaster.”

(I’m a flight attendant, and was doing my pre-takeoff check in the cabin. A man stops me and gestures to the small digital camera sitting in the seat next to him.)

Passenger: “Is it ok if my camera is here for the flight?”

Me: “Sure, sir. That will be fine.”

Passenger: “But shouldn’t I put it in the overhead bin?”

Me: “It should be fine there, but if you’re worried about it falling on the floor during landing you could put it in the overhead bin.”

Passenger: “But after takeoff, won’t it start floating around the cabin?”

Me: “Well, sir, just hold on to it. Once we slingshot around the moon, it will be fine.”

(So I had 3 tables of teenagers. Everyone seemed to understand that this restaurant was themed. We don’t let people use forks or knives, or spoons. You use your hands, end of story.)

Male Customer: “My friend here wants to know how she eats the soup.”

(I look to his friend, a tall dirty blonde, and sigh to myself.)

Me: “You grab the handle of the bowl, bring it to your mouth, and then sip. Use two hands if it’s too heavy.”

Female Customer: “Ok.”

(She lifts bowl to her face, but instead of just going for a sip, she turns her head in on it so her nose ends up going in the soup. She flips.)

Female Customer: “Are you sh*tting me! This is bullsh*t! I shouldn’t have to eat like this! It’s so…so–”

Me: “Medieval.”

(Her friends snicker.)

Female Customer: “Yeah it is! And I think it’s unfair that I don’t get any utensils! Are you sure I can’t get a fork for my soup?”

Me: “Wait a second, did you just say fork? I’m not sure about you but usually a spoon works better for me. Also, they don’t exist here.”

(Everyone laughs at her.)

Female Customer: “Fine fine, I’ll eat with my hands I guess. If you ask me it’s just stupid.”

Me: “It’s a part of the experience.”

Female Customer: “But maybe I don’t want the experience!”

(And it’s moments like that, and many others, that make me wonder why anyone would waste 80 bucks for a themed restaurant, and not want the experience.)

(It was literally 3 minutes before closing time, and someone called us.)

Drunk Customer: “Ehhhhhh hello?”

Me: “Sir, we are at closing time.”

Drunk Customer: “Oh… well, can I have a large cheese pizza and a cheeseburger?”

Me: “Sir, it is closing time. We’re done for the day. And we don’t serve burgers.”

Drunk Customer: “Okay, can you just…uuuhhhhh…make me a pizza really fast then?”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”

Drunk Customer: “COME ON! IT’S 10 PM, I’M HUNGRY, AND ALL I WANT IS A PIZZA!”

Me: “Sir, it’s 10:01. We are closed.”

Drunk Customer: *unusually calm* “Okay…I’ll go to McDonald’s.”

Me: “Good night, sir.”

Drunk Customer: “Good night…I love you…” *hangs up*

(Quite frankly, it made my day.)

Me: “*** Plumbing, how can I help you?”

Customer: Yeah, do you guys clean ducts?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t do that.”

Customer: “Then who does do it?”

Me: “I’m not sure but you could probably find a duct cleaning company in the phonebook.”

Customer: “Ok, how do I do that?”

Me: “Open the phonebook…and look for duct cleaning.”

Customer: “Ok, what do I look under?”

Me: *bangs head on desk* “I’m guessing the letter D might be a start…”

(A woman approaches me at the cash desk and pulls out a pair of underwear to return.)

Woman: “I’d like to return this.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but we cannot accept returns on intimate apparel.”

Woman: “Why not? I haven’t worn it.”

Me: “It’s against our company policy for health reasons.”

Woman: “Well this is ridiculous! I bought these to wear on my honeymoon and I didn’t end up wearing them, so now they’re useless!”

(The woman storms out of store, leaving the underwear on the counter.)

Me: *wonders just what happened on the honeymoon*