Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I direct your call?”

Customer: “Do you have any of those things you can put on tables?”

Me: “Like a table cloth?”

Customer: “No. They’re those things you can put on tables.”

Me: “Ma’am, you can put a lot of things on tables.”

Customer: “Well I don’t know what they’re called! You’re the one who should know!”

Me: *face on desk*

Customer: “I want to return this computer.”

Me: “Ok, I can help you with that. Where is it?”

(The customer puts a badly damaged computer box on the counter. I open the box and find that it’s filled with oranges.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I’m unable to accept this for return.”

Customer: “When I opened the box, it was filled with oranges! I want my money back.”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

(The customer hands me a hand written receipt from a generic receipt book.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, this is not a store receipt. I’m unable to accept this.”

Customer: “The guy I bought it from said he got it here for $99 dollars and if I didn’t like it, I could return it here. I want my money back, I got ripped off!”

Me: “Sir, I apologize that you gave this guy your money, but it seems he gave you a box of oranges and a fake receipt. I’m unable to help you…”

(At this point customer gets very loud and starts throwing oranges around the store. Someone calls the police and he is eventually arrested. To this day, I’m unsure if I should laugh or feel sorry for the guy.)

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Orthopedic office. How can I help you?”

Caller: “PUT MY DAUGHTER ON THE PHONE!”

Me: “I’m sorry? This is **** Ortho–”

Caller: “No it isn’t! Now put my daughter on the phone right now! She knows she isn’t supposed to have boys over!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I think you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “NO I DON’T.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid–”

Caller: “You better be! I’m on my way home RIGHT NOW and god help you if you’re still there!”

(By this point we have several calls waiting to be answered. My supervisor signals me to transfer the call to them so I can get back to my job.)

Me: “Ma’am, I assure you this is a medical office. Would you like to speak to my supervisor?”

Caller: *dripping with sarcasm* “Oh suuuure! Put me through to your supervisor!”

Supervisor: “Thank you for calling **** Orthopedics, how can I help you?”

Caller: “WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!”

(It took several minutes for my supervisor to get the woman off the phone, after which she called three more times…)

(Please note that I have a rather generic first name for the US, generic like, say, John or Mike.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ******* Tech Shop, ***** speaking. Can I help you?”

Irate customer: “Can I speak to a f**king American?”

Me: “Last time I checked, I’m an American. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh yeah? Well where are you!?”

Me: “Mount Laurel, New Jersey–in the store you called.”

Customer: “That sounds like it’s in India.”

Me: “Unless New Jersey has moved recently, we’re part of the US…”

Customer: “Just let me speak to an American, d**n it!”

“Yes sir, please hold.”

(At this point I transferred him to the Wilmington, DE store, as we do with many of our irate customers.)

(Background story: This is around Halloween, and Halloween parties in Madison is THE biggest event of the year. My store had many Halloween costumes and other Halloween-related products during that time. I was at my cash register for check-out when a customer came to me.)

Customer: “Hi. Uhh… I’d like to buy these.”

(The customer puts down a wig, make-ups, a pantyhose, condoms, and lubes on my register.)

Me: “Ok.” *starts scanning*

Customer: “…”

Me: *still scanning*

Customer: “DON’T JUDGE ME!!!!” *runs out*

Me: “!?!”

Dog Owner: “Yeah, my Golden Retriever keeps bringing things back to me. Do you know why?”

Trainer: “Well, ma’am, what’s the second word in the breed’s name?”

Owner: “Uh…retriever?”

Trainer: “That would be why.”

Customer: “Excuse me sir, where are the Exacto knives?”

Me: “They’re on aisle 24, ma’am.”

Customer: “Thank you, you do seem like someone who would know where the knives are.” *walks off*

Me: “…”

Me: *preparing a gyro wrap for a customer* “Would you like cheese on it?”

Customer: “Oh my God, no! I’m a VEGAN! Don’t you know what they do to cows in those horrible farms? They force them to get pregnant all the time, and then they take away their babies and kill them so we humans can steal their milk! Dairy products are cruelty! ”

Me: “Okay, okay. No cheese. Moving along. What sauces would you like on that?”

Customer: “Tzatziki sauce, please.”

(Note: the particular brand of tzatziki we purchased included both yogurt and sour cream.)

Me: “Ah, I’m afraid that’s a dairy prod–”

Customer: “I DON’T CARE! PUT IT ON!”

(I had a call from an elderly client who was having issues with her satellite receiver. After troubleshooting the issue as much as we possibly could I informed the customer that I’d need to send out a new receiver.)

Me: “Okay, so we’ll simply ship that out. I can overnight that and have it to you first thing tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “Tomorrow!?!? I need it RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “I understand where you’re coming from, but there’s no way for to possibly do that.”

Customer: “HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE 70 YEARS OLD AND CONFINED TO YOUR HOUSE WHERE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT IS THE TV!?!?”

Me: “I do apologize for your current plight, but unfortunately we currently lack the technology to transmogrify things through space and time. With that in mind we are, unfortunately, required to use the most current means of shipping. That being FedEx. Would you like that at 9 in the morning or 10?”

Customer, after a brief pause: “10. Thank you.”

Related:
When All Else Fails, Rephrase

Me: “Anything else I can get for you today?”

Female Customer: “Oh yeah! I need batteries?”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “What do you need batteries for?”

Female Customer: “I just need batteries, ok?”

Me: “D Cells?”

Female Customer: “Yeah…”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “But really, what do you need batteries for?”