Retail Liquidator | Ontario, Canada
(A man walks into the store with a broken appliance in a bag.)
Customer: “Hi, I’ve had this for about a month now and it broke, so I want a refund.”
Me: “Sir, we’re a liquidation store. All sales are final, but I can replace this item for you.”
(A co-worker of mine grabs another one off the shelf and switches it for the customer.)
Customer: “How do I know this one won’t break down in a month like the last one?”
Me: “That’s the thing, we don’t know. If I had some kind of time acceleration chamber, we could put it in there, dial it up to one month from now and see how it’s doing.”
Customer: “Pfft! So what am I supposed to do, take it home and use it for a month and come back if it doesn’t work?”
Me: “Either that, or stay here for the next month.”
Customer: “What about my gas money I spend coming back and forth?”
Me: “Driving your car is a luxury, you could take the bus!”
(At this point a line was forming behind the customer…and the customers in line were regulars who are always joking around with me.)
Old Man: “I rode a horse here today!”
Old Woman: “I rode a mule!”
Customer: *takes his new product and storms out*
Retail | Salem, OR, USA
(I’ve worked in a convenience store and a computer shop, and I’ve got a little joke about credit cards and a disarming smile and laugh that people seem to enjoy…but this once…)
Customer: “Do you guys take credit cards?”
Me, smiling: “Sure do, but we don’t give ‘em back.”
Customer, very angry: “You’d g*dd*mn better give it back or I’ll have you arrested on the spot!”
Me: “That was a joke …”
Tech Support | Ontario, Canada
Me: “Thank you for calling technical support. My name is ***, how can I help you?
Customer: *distinct southern accent* “Where am I calling?”
Me: “*** technical support. Are you having trouble with your internet, sir?”
Customer: “I know that. I mean, what part of the world?”
Me: “I’m in Canada, sir. Is there something I can help you with?”
Customer: “Canada?! You have internet up in Canada?”
Me, sarcastically: “Nope…just got radio, in fact I had to drive my dog sled into work. There was a horrible accident and I lost two dogs. It’s been a rough day.”
Customer: “Oh…well, I want technical support from a country who actually has it.” *click*
Supervisor monitoring calls: “You can’t be serious.”
Multiple Submissions | Everywhere
Me: “Would you like the 4-piece meal or the 6-piece meal?”
Customer: “What’s the difference?”
——–
Me: “Would you like the quarter pound classic burger or the half pound classic burger?”
Customer: “Which one is bigger?”
——–
Customer: “How big is the 6 inch?”
——–
Customer: “How many come in a four-pack?”
——–
Customer: “Is your Sunday special on Sundays only?”
——–
Customer: “Does your turkey chic pea chili soup have beef in it?”
——–
Customer: “What flavor is your vanilla ice cream?”
——–
Customer: “What’s the difference between the lemon and the vanilla?”
——–
Customer: “Hi, do you sell books here?”
Me: “This is a bookstore, ma’am.”
——–
Me: “Thank you for calling Pittsford Plaza Cinema, how may I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, hello. Are you located in the Pittsford Plaza?”
——–
Me: “Thank you for calling Saltgrass Steakhouse in Meyerland Plaza where our gift cards make great holiday stocking stuffers. How may I assist you?”
Customer: “Hi, is this Saltgrass?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “In Meyerland right?”
Me: “Yes…”
Customer: “Do you have giftcards?”‘
*click*
Computer Sales | Richmond, VA, USA
(A customer calls our store and asks about a computer.)
Customer: “Hello, I was wondering how big the hard drives in y’all’s computers are?”
Me: “Well the largest hard drive size we have is 1 terabyte. You can get four of those–”
Customer: *cuts me off* “A terawhat? I’ve heard of a pterodactyl!” *screeches like a pterodactyl might have and hangs up the phone*
Sandwich Shop | Ohio, USA
(I used to work at a sandwich shop. We were having a special where you could get four or more of our smaller sandwiches for $2.99 each. Some customers don’t understand the concept of simple.)
Customer: “Do you have any specials today?”
Me: “Yes, you can get four or more 6″ subs for $2.99 each.”
Customer: “Do I have to get four?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “Why? I’ll only be able to eat one.”
Me: “The computer won’t let me ring up the deal unless you order four or more sandwiches.”
Customer: “Okay, then I’ll get four turkeys.”
(The customer goes through his sandwich-topping business, and we finally make it to the register.)
Me: “Okay, four 6″s comes to $11.96.”
Customer: “I thought they were only $2.99 each.”
Me: “They are. Four times $2.99 is $11.96.”
Customer: “I think you’re charging me too much. Can I see a receipt?”
Me: *prints a receipt*
Customer: “Your prices are wrong, I know it!”
(I take out a calculator and does the math. It comes out to $11.96.)
Customer: “Oh…I still don’t understand, but whatever!” *pays and leaves*
Related:
This Is Why Math Is Your Friend
Bookstore | Richmond, VA, USA
(It’s the Harry Potter Midnight party. Customers are dressed as characters from the book. Most are children, but there are also some overly enthusiastic/creepy adults wandering around.)
Lone Witch Lady: “This is so exciting! What are you doing with the boxes that the books came in? Can I have one?”
Me: “I don’t see why not, but I’ll have to ask my manager.” *asks manager* “I’m sorry, we have to keep them for inventory.”
Lone Witch Lady: “Are you sure? My cats would love one. ”
Me: “Your…cats? Would they seriously love a Harry Potter cardboard box more than a plain cardboard box?”
Lone Witch Lady: “Oh, yes!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we can’t give them away. Um, have you tried the Bertie Bots Bean Counting Contest?”
Lone Witch Lady: “Ooh!” *scampers off*
Supermarket | Leeds, UK
(I’m a customer putting my groceries on the conveyor belt, and I realise I’ve forgotten one item. Half way through loading my stuff onto the conveyor, I stop, and sprint across the store to pick up this item. As I get back, two little old ladies have put a separator immediately behind my groceries.)
Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not quite finished. I forgot an item.”
Old lady: “Oh, it’s okay. I’ve just put this here.” *points at the separator*
Me: “But I need more space for the rest of my groceries. Can you move your stuff back, please?”
Till Assistant: “‘Scuse me, love, he’s not finished.”
Old lady: “I KNOW! I’VE JUST PUT THIS HERE!” *points at the separator*
Me & the till assistant: “Huh?”
Old lady: “Oh, nevermind! We’ll go to another till! We can’t wait for HIM and HER to finish their rubbish!”
*old lady storms off*
(Seriously, WTF?)
Retail | Boston, MA, USA
(It was late into my eight hour shift at a huge retail drugstore chain, and I was getting tired of dumb questions.)
Customer: “Do you take credit cards here?”
Me: “No, ma’am. We only take live chickens and large rocks.”
(The customer actually had a sense of humor and started laughing, while my manager was laughing too hard to yell at me.)
Copy Shop | Kalamazoo, MI, USA
Customer: “My son is locked out of the house and I need to send him the key!”
Me: “We can overnight the key and have it to him by 10:30am tomorrow morning. Shall we send the key to the neighbor’s house?”
Customer: “No, he needs it right now! Why can’t I just fax it?”
Me: “…Ma’am, you can’t fax a key.”
Customer: “Why not? He’s locked out and needs the key!”
Me: “Because a key is a three dimensional object, not a document.”
(Customer stares at me.)
Me: “Ma’am, is your fax machine in your house?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “How will your son get into the house to get the key from the fax machine if he is locked out?”
Customer: “D*mn it! You’re right! Well, thanks for your time!”
Me: “I do what I can.”
(450 Thumbs Up!)
