Customer: “My computer won’t do anything.”

Me: “Okay, can you try rebooting it?”

Customer: “You want me to turn off my mouse?”

Me: “No, I want you to reboot your computer.”

Customer: “You want me to turn off my monitor?”

Me: “Um, no. I want you to reboot your computer, the tower.

Customer: “Which one is that?”

Me: “The big box on the ground…the thing you put CDs into.”

Customer: “Oh, okay hang on…it’s still not working.”

Me: “Okay, what’s it doing?”

Customer: “It’s asking me to put in my password but nothing’s working.”

Me: “Hmm, do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse?”

Customer: “How can I tell?”

Me: “Pick up your keyboard.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Do you see a cable attached to it?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, you have a wireless keyboard. Try replacing the batteries. Is your mouse working?”

Customer: “How can I tell?”

Me: “When you move the mouse do you see the cursor move?”

Customer: “No I just see an arrow move.”

Me: “Well then, your mouse is working.”

(Real Estate agents, possibly the dumbest users on earth.)

(I work as a bouncer in a bar and check all IDs at the door. Indiana IDs don’t include a middle name, just an initial.)

Me: “What’s your full name?”

Customer: “Joe D. Smith.”

Me: “What’s your middle name?”

Customer: “DANGER!”

(I let him in.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Man: “Yes, I want half of my money back on this camera.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Is there something wrong with it?”

Man: “No, it’s fine. But I want half of my money back.”

Me: “Half of your money? I’m not sure I understand…”

Man: “Look, I bought this camera about 6 weeks ago, and now it’s on a half price offer. So I want half of my money back.”

Me: “Err, sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Man: “So get someone who can!”

(I pop off to grab the manager, and explain the situation to him.)

Manager: “Good afternoon, Sir. **** has explained your problem to me, and I’m afraid he’s right, we can’t refund this difference to you. The item is on sale now; it wasn’t when you bought it.”

Man: “This is ridiculous! You’re ripping me off! Why won’t you give me my money back?”

Manager: “Let me ask you this–if the camera was now twice as expensive, would you come back here and pay us the extra money?”

Man: “Of course not, I’m not stupid!”

Manager: “And neither am I, Sir. Good day!”

(I work in a few different departments, so it’s not uncommon for me to see the same customer twice…)

Me: “How are you today, folks?”

Man: “We’re just fine.”

(We chat for a moment, then I walk 20 feet over to our paint counter. About 5 minutes passes and the same customer passes me.)

Man: “You know, you look like the guy that talked to us over in fitness.”

Me: *grinning* “Yes sir, that was my stunt double.”

(The man walks away with a confused look on his face.)

Coworker: “You know, you’d really blow his mind if you met him at the front door.”

(A customer called in because she did not remember her password to one of our on-line applications. For federal reasons, we have to verify identity, usually with their birth date and/or some part of their social security number before we can reset a password.)

Me: “Alright ma’am, I just need to know your birth date.”

Customer: “How am I supposed to know that?”

Dorm resident: “Hi. What’s the policy on moving out? When do we have to be out by?”

Me: “Saturday morning by 10 AM, at the latest. We’d really prefer if you could make arrangements to be out sooner, though.”

Dorm resident: “Well…what about later than that?”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not possible. We’re starting a rather large remodeling project that’s on a very tight schedule. They need to get started that morning. If you are here past 10, you’ll be charged the improper checkout fee.”

Dorm resident: “So…what about, like, 10:30?”

Me: “Uhh…that’s later than 10, isn’t it? If you want to get very technical about it, you’d be guilty of trespassing at that point, and the police would be helping you move out.”

(For the record, that’s not entirely true, but we’ve been encouraged to say that to convince the little darlings to get out.)

Dorm resident: “Well, that’s just not fair! What if it’s an emergency?”

Me: “You’re planning to have an emergency over a week in advance?”

Dorm resident: “F**k you.”

Me: “Good morning, sir, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Ehhh…I’ll have a coffee.”

Me: “Excellent choice, sir. What kind of coffee? Our menu’s up there on the board if you’d like, or perhaps our house coffee?”

Customer: “What other kind of COFFEE is there? This IS a coffee shop, right?”

Me: “Well sir, we are a specialty coffee shop, and have many different varieties. If you’d like–”

Customer: “NO! This is so STUPID! Why would anyone bother having DIFFERENT kinds of coffee!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Ha ha! Just kidding. I always wanted to do that.”

(He skips out of the store. Yes, skipped. Keep in mind this is a middle-aged man.)

(Our new drugstore was assigned a phone number that had previously belonged to the animal shelter. We ALWAYS answered the phone with our store name and hours, but people don’t always listen. This became annoying, but one of my coworkers liked to have fun with it.)

Caller: “Uh, yeah. I have this raccoon in my backyard.”

Bill: “Hmm…that’s nice.”

Caller: “Yeah, well it seems to be acting strangely…like it’s crazy.”

Bill: “What do you want ME to do about it?”

Caller: “Well, you should do your job and come out and get rid of it! Isn’t that why I pay my taxes?”

Bill: “Okay then. Give me your address.”

Caller: *gives out address*

Bill: “Alright, after I close the drugstore I’ll be over with my shotgun around midnight. There will be a loud noise, so warn your neighbors. Since I don’t work for your taxes, just tape a $20 bill inside your mailbox, more if you want a fancy burial. Have a nice day!” *click*

Customer: “So the pork…is that like, fish?”

Me: “Noo…it’s like, pig.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(A lady wants to make a credit card payment with a temporary check, which is not accepted at the store I work at. It goes all the way up to the top manager in the store and the exchange of words is glorious:)

Manager: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, this lady told me you can’t accept temporary checks?”

Manager: “Yes ma’am, unfortunately in the past we’ve had trouble cashing those checks. It’s nothing against you personally, but based on past problems we can’t accept temporary checks.”

Customer: “So let me get this straight? You treat everyone exactly the same way?”

Manager: “Uh…yes.”

Customer: “Well if this place isn’t run by a bunch of stupid liberals!”