Visit our latest site, The Awesomer!(Okay, so I was answering the phone and this guy calls us instead of the number he means to…)
Me: “Hello?”
Him: “Hey baby.”
Me: “What?”
Him: “I’ve got the stuff for tonight, are you ready for it?”
Me: “Um, WHAT?”
Him: “You know what, babe…”
Me: “I think you have the wrong number…”
Him: “Oh good lord, I’m sorry! BYE!” *click*
(Me and my mother laughed about that one for a good 5 minutes.)
(I work in the stock department of a small, local grocery store. Generally, I would get 1 or 2 requests to check the back for an item a shift. An elderly woman-I’d say around 75-80–approaches me. She is asking about a common type of flour we carry.)
Customer: “Excuse me, I’ve managed to find 4 of these. Would you care to check the back room to see if you have any more?”
Me: “Sure thing.”
(I grab a single flour package from her. After 1-2 minutes of aimless searching in the backroom, I return the bag to the woman.)
Customer: “Why, thank you! Now I have 4! Thats exactly how many I needed! God bless you!”
(I was way too embarrassed for her to explain the situation.)
Me: “You’re…welcome. Anything else?”
Customer: “One more thing, dear.”
Me: “What is it?”
Customer: “Can you check the back to see if you have any more of these?”
(This is why it’s good to check inside the box when someone returns something.)
Me: “Ok sir, what’s wrong with the XBOX360?”
Customer: “Oh, it just doesn’t work.”
Me: “Ok.”
(I get the box, and policy indicates that I have to open it up. I look inside and there was a Sega Saturn with a couple of old stereo parts.)
Me: “I’m sorry sir, this isn’t what supposed to be inside here.”
Customer: *fumbling for words* “Oh…oh…uh…that isn’t it. I have the real one at home. I’ll just get it…”
(Customer picks up the box and walks away, never to be seen from again. All the while I sit back laughing.)
Related:
Caught Red-Handed
(Ok, to explain. I work in a company that sells landscaping materials. You know…rock, dirt, compost, etc. This is a phone conversation I had.)
Me: “Hello, [Company Name]. How can I help you?”
Customer:: “Hello, I had a question about compost.”
Me: “Well, we have two kinds. Mushroom compost and chicken compost.”
Customer:: “Well, I want to know what is compost.”
Me: “Well, the mushroom compost is a mixture of horse manure, peat moss, gypsum, oyster-shell lime, straw and composted rice hulls. The chicken–” *customer cuts me off*
Customer:: “No I mean…what *is* compost?”
Me: “Decomposing organic matter?”
Customer:: “I see…what do you mean by ‘decomposing organic matter’?”
Me: *wondering if this is a prank call by now* “Well…as in organic matter that is breaking down in a natural process…”
Customer:: “What is ‘organic’?”
Me: “Okay. What do you think happens when you throw your coffee grounds, apple cores, and other scraps into a huge pile with animal manure?”
Customer:: “…it starts to stink.”
Me: “Because it’s decomposing.”
Customer:: “…but what is ‘decomposing’?”
Me: “It’s rotting.”
Customer:: “…and we put this in our gardens?”
Me: “Ironic, isn’t it?”
Customer:: “Okay, so what do you mean by ‘matter’?”
(I’m sure you can all figure out how this conversation went at this point. 20 minutes of my life I will never have back.)
(I was a pump attendant (Oregon is a no-self-serve state) and a fairly attractive middle-aged woman in a mid 90’s Ford pickup pulled up for fuel. Now, that style of truck has two gas tanks, one in front, one in back. Here’s our conversation:)
Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”
Her: “I just need ten bucks worth of diesel, please.”
Me: “Okay, which tank?”
Her: “Oh, I think I’ll take it in the rear tonight!”
(We both paused, she turned bright red, and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing!)
(I worked this job over a year ago and got plenty of peachy customers, this is one that sticks with you though…)
Customer: “I need to pick up my copy order.”
Me: “Sure thing, what’s the name on that?”
Customer: “*******, and it’s very important so it had better be right.”
(I proceed to the bins where we keep our completed orders and can’t find one, can’t find a work order sheet, and when I check our production log nothing has been checked in.)
Me: “Erm… Sir, are you sure this is the correct location? I seem to be having trouble finding this order…”
Customer: “Yea, I’m sure, my wife dropped it off here. You better get off your a** and find it!”
(So I keep looking over and over again. Neanwhile he’s still telling me off and using much less than appropriate language. My supply side manager had a bad night, so I was dead set on settling it myself.)
Me, again: “Sir, I’m not seeing it but I want to get your name again just to be sure.”
Customer: “You really are useless aren’t you? The name is *******, stupida**. I’ll even call my wife and she can confirm it for you!”
(I cross my arms and wait patiently for him to make his call. It’s little surprise to me when he pales a little and hangs up.)
Customer: “It’s at ****** Depot…BUT IT’S STILL YOUR FAULT THAT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT!”
*customer storms out*
(Note: our bathrooms decided to back up and so we had to lock them.)
Customer: “Can you unlock the bathroom?”
Me: “Sorry, they are out of order.”
Customer: “What do you mean!? I need to go!”
Me: “The bagel shop next door has a bathroom that they’ll be glad to let you use.”
Customer: “There used to be a day when the customer was always right!”
*storms off and probably shat his pants*
Customer: “WHERE ARE MY BOOKS?”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Customer: “I had a big pile of books and I put them on that bench and now they’re gone!”
Me: “I’m so sorry about that ma’am. See, a lot of customers just leave books around the store so we regularly walk around and put away books that are left out.”
Customer: “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”
Me: “To keep the store in some kind of logical order. What books were they? I’ll help you find them again.”
Customer: “I don’t REMEMBER! You tell ME what books they were!”
Me: “I have no idea what books you had ma’am, but I can walk around the store with you and see if we can jog your memory.”
Customer: “I have foot problems! I’m very old! I can’t walk around the store all over again! Find my books!”
(At this point a manager intervenes and between him and 3 other employees we actually find all 7 of the books this lady wanted. She didn’t say thank you, proceeds to walk around the store without any problem, leaves the books on the same bench again and then leaves the store without buying anything.)
Me: “How may I help you?”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a Google. How much is it?”
Me: “Well, Sir, you would have to buy an internet connection, like our DSL to–”
*cuts me off*
Customer: “I don’t want to buy your f****** DSL! I want Google. My friend told me it’s the best, so I want that!”
Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sir, Google is a search engine, you really need to buy a connection package first to–”
*cuts me off again*
Customer: “I want Google! Are you listening to me? GOOGLE! HOW MUCH IS IT?”
Me: *innocently* “Oh, my guess would be a few billions, sir.”
Customer: “What? That’s ridiculous!”
Me: “I agree. However, if you buy our DSL package for $**.**, you can use Google all you want and it’ll be FREE!”
Customer: “Really? Then why would anyone ever be stupid enough to want to buy Google?”
Me: “Beats me, sir.”
Customer 1: “We would like to exchange these items.”
(Hands over unopened video game controller and sealed games.)
Me: “Do you have your receipt?”
Customer 1: “No, we just want to do an exchange!”
Me: “I am unable to do a return without a receipt verifying you purchased your items at this store.”
Customer 2:” We DON’T want to do a RETURN, we want to do an EXCHANGE!”
(Our store also buys used video games and accessories so I think maybe that is what they’re trying to do)
Me: “Without a receipt the only thing I can do is buy these from you but you wont get the full retail price. Is that what you’re trying to do?”
Customer 1: “NO! I want to do an exchange!”
Me: “Then I’ll need a receipt.”
(Customer sits there for a minute and finally produces a receipt.)
Me: “Thank you. I’m going to return these items and when you find what you want in the store, just bring it up to the counter.”
Customer 2: “WE CAN’T DO A RETURN, IT HAS TO BE AN EXCHANGE! IT CAN’T GO BACK ON THE CREDIT CARD!”
Me: “Just go and pick out the items you want and if there is money left over we’ll give you a store credit.”
Customer 2: “BUT IT CAN’T GO ON THE CREDIT CARD!! YOU CAN’T RETURN THE ITEMS!”
Me: “We have to return them to keep our inventory up to date.”
Customer 1: “ARE YOU RETARDED?! WE JUST SAID WE CAN’T RETURN THEM, WE NEED TO EXCHANGE THEM!”
Me: “I’m trying to explain to you that it is a corporate policy to return items not exchange them, but that does not mean the money goes on your credit card. We can give you store credit.”
Customer 1: “So you guys are somehow different from every other store on the planet? Every other store does exchanges but not you.”
Customer 2: “IT CAN’T GO ON THE CREDIT CARD.”
Me: “Listen, you are over-thinking this–”
Customer 1, cutting me off: “MAYBE YOU ARE UNDER-THINKING THIS! I TOLD YOU I WANT TO DO AN EXCHANGE. I’M GOING TO THE STORE I BOUGHT THIS FROM THEY’LL DO AN EXCHANGE!”
Me: “You can take these items to any ***** you want. We all have to same policy.”
Customer 2: “NO, YOU’RE JUST STUPID!”
(They leave the store, half an hour later I get a call from the store down the street laughing and thanking me for sending over such *lovely* customers.)
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