Me: “[Hospital Name] Nutrition, this is ***, how may I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, I was wondering if I could have some peas. Just been craving them.”

(I take the last name, look her up in the system to check the diet type/restrictions.)

Me: “Um, ma’am? It says you are allergic to green peas.”

Patient: “Yeah, but it’s alright. They just give me a rash.”

(I was working in the Specialty shop, which sells Mexican food, two types of sandwiches which are preassembled by chefs, and chicken strips.)

Guest: “What’s on the turkey sandwich?”

Me: *recites the list of ingredients, which includes cheese*

Guest: “Can you make me one without cheese?”

Me: “No, ma’am. These sandwiches come into the shop premade.”

Guest: “I just want you to make me a turkey sandwich with no cheese.”

(This went on for a bit. Finally…)

Me: “Ma’am, we have no sandwich-making materials in this shop. It is not possible for me to give you a turkey sandwich with *any* different ingredients.”

Guest: “Then what do you do for people who can’t have cheese?”

(I look at the ham and salami sandwich, which does not have cheese. I look at the fryer for the chicken fingers. I look at the shells for the taco salad, which is “Build Your Own” so all ingredients, including cheese, are completely optional. I look next door at the Grill shop, which serves hamburgers and hot dogs, cheese optional. I look at the Pizza shop, which serves items such as spaghetti and tomato soup. Then, I look back at the guest.)

Me: “I do not know.”

Related:
Captain Obvious’ Revenge
The Son Of Captain Obvious
Captain Obvious Strikes Back
The Return of Captain Obvious
Captain Obvious To The Rescue
Belaboring The Obvious

Coworker: “Hi, can I start you off with any drinks or appetizers?”

Customer: “Lettuce!”

Coworker: “…”

(I rang up a customer and about ten minutes later, the woman comes back in, cuts in front of the rest of the line and begins yelling at me.)

Customer: “You never gave me my credit card back! You stole it!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I did not steal your credit card. I gave it back to you.”

Customer: “No you didn’t! I know you stole it! I demand my credit card back!”

(This goes on for ten minutes as I continue ringing up other customers, all of them staring at the insane woman screaming at me.)

Customer: “I looked everywhere and I cannot find my credit card! I know you have it!”

(She opens her wallet to show me that her credit card is missing. I spot the credit card in her wallet.)

Me: “Is your credit card a light-blue visa?”

Customer: “YES!”

Me: “…It’s in your wallet, right there.”

(She storms out with an attitude and doesn’t even apologize.)

(An elderly man comes into the store and buys two cigars, I place them in a bag and try to hand him his receipt.)

Elderly Man: “I don’t want that.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll just throw it away for you.”

Elderly Man: “Don’t do that I need it!”

Me: “Here you are then.” *trying to hand it back*

Elderly Man: “What am I suppose to do with it?!”

Me: “You said that you needed it.”

Elderly Man: “I do! But where in the hell am I suppose to put it!”

Me: “Your wallet or your pocket, maybe?”

Elderly Man: “It will get mixed up with everything else and I’ll have to dig it out and throw it away when I get home! I don’t want it!”

Me: “So you want me to throw it away for you?”

Elderly Man: “No, I need it to show my wife!”

Me: *confused* “Do you want it in your bag?”

Elderly Man: “Well that’s what it’s for, isn’t it–to carry things? What’s wrong with you trying to hand someone a receipt? Where the hell would they put it?!”

(I placed his receipt in his bag and he left muttering about me. He became a regular after that, and never again did I hand him a receipt.)

Related:
Mission: Impossible

Customer #1: “Oooh, I’ve heard great things about The Passion of the Christ.”

Customer #2: “Yeah, it really reaffirms your faith in Christ.”

Me: “It’s been a big hit this week–Mel Gibson tried to make it as historically accurate as possible.” *cough* “Even all the dialog is in Aramaic.”

Customer #1: “Wait what?!”

Me: “It’s in Aramaic, the language which they spoke back then.”

Customer #1: “You mean it has subtitles?! It’s not in English?! Ugh, I’m not gonna watch that!”

(I was working at the paint desk, and it was in my first day of being trained how to mix the paint using the codes on the color swatches.)

Customer: “1 gallon of this color, please.” *hands me a forest green color swatch*

Me: “Okay.”

(I mix the paint, my manager watching the paint can comes out of the mixer and I pop the top off to make sure I didn’t screw up. And low and behold, the paint is gray, not even close to the the green he asked for.)

Me: “I am sorry sir, I will have my manager re-do it for you. I am sorry about the wait.”

Customer: “No, no, don’t worry about it…that color is close enough.” *takes can and walks off*

My manager: *look of utter confusion*

(The company was running a coupon special for 20% off one item ONE COUPON PER PERSON. This one heavily made-up woman caused problems at every coupon sale I ever worked there and this time was no different. She made one purchase and then this happened.)

Woman: “How many of these can I use?”

Me: “It’s one per person, so no more today, but there is another coupon for tomorrow so you can come back and use one then.”

Woman: “What if I send my husband in? Can he use one?”

Me: “Yes ma’am. He is a different person so that’s fine.”

Woman: “Well, how many can he use?”

Me: “One. It’s one per person.”

Woman: “What if I buy something else?”

Me: “Well you can buy whatever you want, but you can’t use another coupon. It’s one person for the whole day, not one per transaction.”

Woman: “What if I leave and come back in?”

Me: “You’re still the same person.”

Woman: “What do you mean? I’ll have left and come back.”

Me: “Well our doors are not equipped to change your genetic make-up upon entry, so you would still be the same person.”

(The woman stormed off, then returned 20 minutes later wearing a different top. For some reason she decided to come through my lane again. I refused to let her use it, so she screamed at me and my manager. Eventually she just wadded up the coupon, hit my manager in face with it, and ran off cursing…only to return the next morning and repeat the scenario.)

(It was about 5 minutes to closing on a Saturday night and we had maybe 5-6 employees working all female. A new bar had just opened next door, and a drunk man wandered in.)

Drunk Man: “I need to buy some matches.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir. We don’t sell matches–only clothes.”

Drunk Man: “Well, then sell me a lighter. I need a cigarette.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t sell lighters or matches, just clothes.”

Drunk Man: “D*mn it, just give me one.”

Me: “I don’t have one, sir, or trust me I would.”

Drunk Man: “You lying b**ch! Give me a f**king match you b**ch!”

Me: “Sir, you need to leave or I’m calling the police. We don’t have lighters or matches. I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.”

Drunk Man: “I’ll get it myself!”

(He storms off toward the men’s department. I call my co-worker in that department, then call the manager to give them a heads up. A few minutes later the man goes running out (empty handed) and my co-worker is racing after him. She grabs my phone and starts screaming over the intercom for our manager. I asked her what happened.)

Coworker: “He pissed all over the Levis!”

Me: “Hey, my name is ***, what can I do for you?”

Old Man: “My great-grandson was telling me about this really neat thing on his computer. I would like to buy it.”

Me: “So your nephew has this ‘thing’…what does it do?”

Old Man: “Well, he was showing me videos and we played a few puzzles. I was also able to check my lottery numbers.”

Me: “Oh, the internet…you’re just looking to hook up the internet in your house?”

Old Man: “Yes, I would like to buy the internet.”

Me: “Um, well you don’t purchase the actual internet. It’s kinda like paying your phone bill. You pay them and they give you phone services.”

Old Man: “I know how a telephone works! Would you like to make some commission on this internet sale or should I take my business elsewhere?”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think you understand. You need to call Shaw, Telus, or Rogers and they will come hook up your internet. It’s not a physical thing.”

Old Man: “I am writing to the Better Business Bureau and reporting this incident to your manager. I know what the internet is, WalMart has it! I’m going to take my purchase to them!”

Retail:
He Wants The Google
She Uses The Google