Me: “Can I help you?”

Teacher: “Yes, I’ve forgotten my password and would like you to retrieve it for me.”

(ID Verification stuff…)

Me: “Alright, just a moment. Okay, ma’am. Your password is…”

Teacher, apparently remembering at the last minute: “Oh, no…”

Me: “Piggly…Wiggly…F**ker.”

Teacher: *sheepishly* “Yeah…thank you.”

Me: *bursts out laughing*

(A customer comes out and hands me his valet ticket for his car. I go back to the key box and notice that I had written that he hadn’t given me his keys. He had one of those key-less start cars that you don’t need to put in a key to drive, but the key still has to be in the car to start it.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir, you did not give me the keys to your car.”

Customer: “Oh yeah. You see this is a key-less start car here, son. You don’t need a key to start it.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am aware that it is a key-less start, but I still need the key to be in the car to start it.”

Customer: “I don’t think you understand me here kid. It is KEY-LESS. You don’t need my key. Now please just go get my car.”

Me: “Sir, I know what you are saying, but I have parked many other cars like this..”

Customer: “Listen to me boy! I am an adult! I have had that car for a while, and I think I know a little more about how it works than you, don’t you think?! Now go get my car or I will tell the manager!”

(I try to tell him once again that I need the key, but he just screams and goes to get the manager. I tell the manager what the problem is.)

Manager: “Sir, he is correct. You need the key to start the car.”

Customer: “OH MY GOD!! Are you all idiots here?!”

(I take him and the manager to his car. I ask him for the key, which he gives me.)

Me: “Sir, please show me how to start the car without the key inside.”

Customer: “Ok, fine then!”

(He tries to press the engine start button, which doesn’t start.)

Customer: “…”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: “Well, are you going to give me the keys so I can start my car?! Jesus, everyone knows you can’t start this type of car without a key! You should be fired!”

(That was the night I quit my job.)

*customer walks in*

Me: “Hi, how are you tonight?”

Customer: “Have you prayed today?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Customer: “You better pray or you’ll go to hell.”

Me: “Wow, okay.”

Customer: “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for you.”

Me: “FOR ME!!! FOR ME!!! FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” *awesome air guitaring, a la Queen*

*customer walks out*

(Background story: the customer was one of those crazy people who had come in for whatever it was and she is always talking about jesus. If anybody else had been in the store I wouldn’t have done the Queen thing but it was too much to pass up.)

(A VERY drunk WHITE guy comes in 5 minutes before closing time.)

White guy: “F*ck you! You’re not going to serve me are you?”

Me: “Nope, sorry, we’re just closing.”

White guy: “Awww, go on, please…just a quick pint!”

Me: “No, we’re closing.”

White guy: “F*ck you, is it because I’m black?”

Me: “…Yes.”

Me: “Good Evening, Ross speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I just told you how you can help me!”

Me: “No, sir, you were speaking to someone in admin; they put your call through to me. If you could repeat your query I’ll be happy to help.”

Caller: “But I just told you what I wanted. I’m not repeating myself!”

Me: “Then I’m sorry, I can’t help you then.”

Caller: “Fine!” *hangs up*

(A man drops two packs of briefs on the counter).

Me: “Even exchange, sir?”

Man, indignantly: “I need the right size!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Man: “They’re the wrong size!”

Me: “Which ones aren’t the right size?”

Man: “I need the right size!”

Me: “…So you’re returning these?”

Man: “I need the right size!”

(At a loss, I call my coworker over).

Coworker: *looks at the packages* “Even exchange?”

Man: “I need the right size!”

Coworker: “So you’re returning both?”

Man: “Read what it says there.” points at one of the packs*

Me: “Um…Big Men’s Briefs? Size 2X?”

Man: “I need the right size!”

Coworker: “What size do you need, sir?”

Man: “44 to 46!”

Coworker: *checks pack* “That’s what this IS!”

Man: “I need the right size!”

Coworker: “Then you have to go find it. We don’t have it up here.”

Man, bellowing: “This is BULLSH*T! F*ckin’ A**HOLE!”

(Everyone in line falls dead silent).

Me: “So…you are returning these, then?”

Man: “I need the right size!”

Me: “Okay–”

Man: “These don’t fit me! I need briefs that fit! I’m a big guy!”

(We finally figure out that the briefs in the bag weren’t the size marked on the package).

Coworker: “Well, you’ll have to go find another pair then.”

Man: “YOU go find another pair!”

Coworker: “We can’t do that! Go check the aisle!”

Man: “I did already! There aren’t any!”

Coworker: “THEN YOU’LL HAVE TO GO TO ANOTHER STORE!”

Man: “YOU call another store! Find them for me!”

Coworker: *turns to me* “Call another store.”

Me: “I…um…okay, sir, you can sit down over there and we’ll call to you when we find them.”

Man: “Speak up, I can’t understand a word–”

Me: “SIT DOWN AND WE’LL CALL YOU!”

(Our manager walks by. He comes over and gets the guy to agree to just return the briefs).

Manager: “Do you have a receipt?”

Man: “No!”

Manager: “Okay, do you want the money back as store credit or on your charge card?”

Man: “What? Just give me the money!”

Manager: “That’s what I’m trying to do. Store credit or–”

Man: “WHAT? JUST GIVE ME BACK THE MONEY!”

Manager: “Store credit it is.”

Me: “Good morning, welcome to ***** my name is July, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I was told I was going to talk with Robert, so you’re Robert.”

Me: “It must have been a mistake. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Well, Robert…”

(Knowing I’m not going to get through to him, I give up. He keeps calling me “Robert” during the whole call.)

(I had been ringing up a customer’s purchases on the register and was just about to put through his credit card for payment.)

Me: “Sir, just sign here please.”

Customer: “No, I don’t sign.”

Me: “You have to sign so that your credit card is verified - it shows you paid for it and not someone else.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to sign. Forget about it all, goodbye!”

(The customer leaves his purchases on the counter which he’s just paid for, since the electronic system isn’t actually activated by a signature, it goes through automatically - the signature is just a formality.)

Me: “Wait, where are you going? You just paid for this stuff! Are you going to leave it here? Hey!”

(The customer exits the store, and my manager motions for me to follow, with a big mean smile on his face. I sigh and run after the customer.)

Me: “Excuse me! Excuse me, you can’t just leave that stuff there–you need to come back and claim it or we’ll refund it for you.”

Customer: “Why are you following me? What’s wrong with you? Leave me alone, I told you I didn’t want to sign anything!”

Me: “I’m not going to chase you all over the city, but you should know you’ve got things in there you just paid for. You’re down 120 dollars if you leave them there.”

Customer: “But I didn’t sign.”

Me: “It doesn’t MATTER if you signed anything, your purchase still went through. Now are you going to come back and get your money or your items, or are you happy with donating 120 to our store?”

Customer: “You’re crazy! I didn’t sign anything so I didn’t pay. You’re just trying to get me back there so I’ll buy more stuff! Leave me alone!”

(I decide to give it up, since it’s clear this person isn’t going to listen to me–he’s convinced I’m trying to rip him off while in fact I’m doing the opposite…)

Me: “Suit yourself then. Thanks for the 120.”

(Sure enough, three days later the customer returns, angry about the store stealing money from him when he didn’t make a purchase. I roll my eyes and leave him for someone else to deal with. He was still yelling that he hadn’t signed anything.)

(I was once a ticket taker at a movie theater. The passageway to the restrooms looked exactly like the passageways to the auditoriums, and it had a small marquee above it, just like an auditorium. Naturally, the marquee displayed the word “Restrooms.”)

2,137th patron who thinks he is making an original joke, pointing at the “Restrooms” marqee: “Is that film any good?”

Me, getting tired of the lame joke: “I thought it was OK, but the reviews have been in the toilet.”

Customer: “Is there an elevator to the theatre?”

Me: “Yes, directly across from me.”

(The customer walks to the front of elevator and starts yelling…)

Customer: “How does this thing work?!”

Me: “Press the button and when the doors open, get in and press floor number 2.”

Customer: “No, how does this thing work?”

Me: “Do you mean the physics behind elevators? This brand of elevator…or something more specific?”

Customer: “No, how does it work with me?”

(My phone is ringing and I must go answer it in a different room. I wander off. Ten minutes later, customer is still arguing with elevator. I leave for lunch…a very long lunch.)