Tourist: “I saw a sign that said historic downtown, what’s down there?”

(To the best of my knowledge, no such sign exists so I’m already confused.)

Me: “Uh, a few churches and shops.”

Tourist: “Oh, how do I get to the lighthouse?”

Me: “You go through downtown.”

Tourist: “I don’t want to go through downtown!”

Me: “Sorry, but that’s how you get there.”

Tourist: “Is there another way to get there?”

Annoyed coworker: “You could fly there on your broom!”

(The tourist looks shocked and storms out.)

(I was working in warranties for a large computer manufacturer, mostly with businesses but a few individuals came through on the line here and there.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My computer don’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get the serial number off of your CPU?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “The computer tower.”

Customer: “Huh?”

(I’ll spare you the agony but, I went on for about 3 more minutes trying to describe the CPU and getting nowhere.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be expressing myself well today. Can you describe to me all the computer parts on your desk? I’ll tell you which one the number I need is on.”

Customer: “It’s just a keyboard and a screen, like any other computer.”

Me: “Oh, you have a laptop!”

Customer: “A what?”

Me: “A little computer you can take with you. The keyboard and screen fold together with a hinge in the middle, right?”

Customer: “No, I don’t! I don’t know what is wrong with you computer people today. First the sales guy tries to sell me a bunch of sh*t I don’t need in this big box package and now you don’t even know what a computer is! Brand new today and it don’t even work.”

Me: “So…you just bought a keyboard and a monitor?”

Customer: “What’d I need all the rest uh’ that sh*t in the box for? This was way cheaper! I ain’t stupid!”

Me: “…”

(Working at a sandwich place across the street from my college campus. One of my Spanish professors enters, and we chat in Spanish as I make her food. Another man comes in while we’re chatting, and stares at us.)

Customer: “What the hell? Don’t you dare coddle that job-stealing Mexican!”

Me: “Sir, that woman is a Ph.D. I can guarantee you, she did not steal your job. Oh, and she’s from New York. Can I take your order?”

Customer: *storms out*

(This is when I was working at a certain home improvement store in a rural area of Edmonton.)

(A lady walks up carrying a bag of manure.)

Lady: “Can you tell me the price of this item, please?”

Me: “Sure thing. It comes up to $6.50, ma’am.”

Lady: “$6.50? Hmm…I don’t suppose you can call [competitor store] and see how much they sell it for, can you?”

Me: “Sure thing, ma’am.”

(I call up our competitor, and it turns out they sell the same product for $6.49.)

Me: “They have it on sale for $6.49, ma’am.”

Lady: “$6.49! Would you be able to make a price match?”

Me: “Uh….you want me to lower the price from $6.50 to $6.49?”

Lady: “Yes, that’s right. Is that a problem?”

Me: “Well, uh…”

(She wants it lowered by a CENT? The store policy doesn’t let me lower it unless it’s a dollar difference, or by special request of the currently absent manager.)

Me: “Erm…well, policy is that we can’t lower the price unless the difference is at least a dollar.”

Lady: “What!? That’s crazy! I demand you lower the price for me, or I’m taking this straight to management!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s really no need to do that. It’s company policy, there’s nothing really I can do.”

Lady: “FINE!” *throws down the bag* “I’m leaving and going to [competitor store]!”

Me: “…Have a nice day.”

(I’d like to point out that the nearest competitor store is about twenty minutes away. She’d have paid more in gas getting there than she would have if she just bought it here.)

(Background: I’m the only female employee at the comic/card shop, and I was hired for my comic knowledge.)

Customer, to my male co-worker: “Did Booster Gold have a series before the new series?”

(Male coworker looks to me because he’s the card guy.)

Me: “Yeah. Early nineties. We’ve got a couple of back issues in the dollar box.”

Customer, to my male coworker: “So you guys have it?”

Coworker: “If she says we have it, we have it.”

Customer, finally looking at me: “Oh, you know about comics?”

Me: “That’s why they hired me.”

Customer: “But you’re a girl!”

Click here to view the comic version of this quote!

(Backstory: A woman orders a Reuben sandwich and returns to the counter 30 minutes later with about a fourth of the sandwich eaten.)

Woman: “I want to speak to your manager right now!”

Crew member: “Sure, no problem.” *goes and gets manager*

Manager: “Hi, what can I do for you today?”

Woman: “Yeah, I got this reuben at 4 pm and it’s SOGGY!”

Manager: “Well, ma’am, you purchased it half an hour ago…”

Woman: “Well, I want a new one!”

Manager, hoping to get the looney out of the store: “Sure, no problem.”

(Suddenly, the woman goes from angry to flat-out crazy.)

Woman: “HERE’S YOUR DELICIOUS REUBEN!!!” *rubs sauce on counter and throws part of sandwich at manager*

Manager: *dumbfounded*

Woman: “I’m sorry…it’s not your fault.”

Manager: “…It’s alright…”

Woman: *thinks for a second, then throws remaining sandwich bits at manager*

(We all laughed quite hysterically, and our manager walked around with reuben sauce on his crotch all day.)

Related:
When Mood Swings Attack

(I work at a library where people can come in to use the computer if they need to.)

Lady: “Excuse me. Could you help me? I’m having trouble with the computer.”

Me: “Sure, what’s the problem?”

Lady: “I can’t log on. It’s not taking my card.”

Me: “Huh, that’s weird. My computer says everything is okay. Let me go check.”

Lady: “I don’t know why it never works for me. The first time it came in it worked but every time after that it hasn’t! You guys always have problems with your computers. You should get that fixed as soon as possible!”

Me: “Alright then, let me see what you’re doing. Where’s your card?”

Lady: “It’s in the computer!”

Me: “What do you mean it’s in the computer?”

Lady: “There, in the computer! I put it in but it won’t log me on!” *points to the computer*

(I see it sticking out of where it obviously does NOT belong and take it out.)

Me: “No. That’s not how you log on. You see the numbers on the back of the card? Enter that into the computer, then your pin, and click log on.”

Lady: *looks at me confused* “Did you guys change this, because that’s how it worked for me last time!”

Me: “No, that’s how it has always been. In fact, if you had looked at the screen, you would have seen that it tells you exactly what to do.”

Lady: “Don’t take that tone with me, young lady! Just log me on!”

(I logged her on to the computer, but since she was a b**ch to me, I kicked her off early.)

Old Customer with Earhair: “Do you have fixative?”

Coworker 1: “I’m not aware of a product by that name. What do you want it to do?”

Earhair: “Get me someone else who knows the inventory!”

Coworker 2: “Sir, can I help you?”

Earhair: “Yeah, I want some fixative.”

Coworker 2: “We don’t have a product by that name, but if you describe it, we can get it for you.”

Earhair: “I buy fixative in here ALL THE TIME.”

Coworker 2: “What does the product look like?”

Earhair: “This is ridiculous. You should know your inventory well enough to READ MY MIND!”

Related:
(Telepathic) Help Wanted