Me: “Thank you for calling guest relations. This is ******* speaking, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, you guys overcharged me and I will accept nothing short of a full refund. This is ridiculous.”

Me: “I’d be more than happy to help. Do you have your confirmation number?”

Customer: “Yes. It’s ********.”

Me: “Great. One moment, please.”

(I look at their reservation history.)

Me: “Okay, sir. So I’m showing you have a reservation arriving tonight. One king bed, non-smoking, booked at a rate of $1297.66. What were you quoted?”

Customer: “I was quoted a rate of $1297.63.”

Me: “So you were misquoted by 3 cents?”

Customer: “Yes. And I demand the rate I was quoted be honored.”

Me: “But it’s 3 cents…”

Customer: “YOU **** corporations! WHY ARE YOU RIPPING ME OFF!?”

(On the phone…)

Customer: “Hi, I want to book a room with 2 beds for tomorrow.”

Me: “Sure thing sir, lucky for you we’re not busy this weekend and have several rooms available. ”

Customer: “Great, and how many pillows do the beds have?”

Me: “Umm, I think there’s 2 on each bed.”

Customer: “Can you check?”

Me: “Okay….I’ll just be a moment.”

(I go and check the nearest room’s bed and the next room along to be safe.)

Me: “Yes, 2 per bed.”

Customer: “So my room will have 2 pillows on each bed?”

Me: “That’s correct, sir.”

Customer: “I only like one pillow on my bed, can you give me a different room with a bed that only has one pillow on one of the beds?”

Me: “Umm…you could always just take the other pillow off your bed when you go to sleep.”

Customer: “What? No, I want one of the rooms with one less pillow on one bed.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have rooms with specific numbers of pillows–”

Customer: “–but you have rooms with specific number of beds!”

Me: “Yes…that’s pretty much the norm, sir…”

Customer: “Don’t get smart honey, I want a room with 2 beds, 2 pillows on one of them but only 1 on the other. That’s what I want.”

Me: *sigh* “Okay sir, I’ll personally remove one of the bed’s pillows before you arrive tomorrow, how’s that?”

Customer: “Good, that works for me. Hang on, are the pillows thick fluffy ones or skinny flat ones? Because if they’re skinny, I’ll just keep both of them.”

Me: …

(My mom and I did long shifts at the restaurant we worked at, from 10 AM to 9 PM. Around 6:30 PM we received a call from a customer.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m calling in for a complaint.”

Me: “Okay, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “Yeah, I came in this morning and ordered some food, but the guy there, he just PUNCHED me in the face!”

Me: “Wh…you’re saying somebody working here punched you? When?”

Customer: “It was today around noon. The man working there punched me. So can I get some free food? ‘Cause it really hurt. I mean, I could sue you guys.”

Me, trying really hard not to laugh: “I’m sorry, sir, we can’t do that. My mother and I have been working here since the restaurant opened and I assure you, neither of us have punched you in the face. Also, we only have female employees…”

Customer: “…Oh.” *click*

Related:
How To Scam A Scammer, Part 3
How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

(Our offices are on the 8th floor of a building. The upper floors are occupied by an art school.)

Student 1: “Oh, wow. The elevators on this side of the building are really small.”

Student 2: “No, they’re not. It’s just their size that makes them look small.”

Me: …

Related:
Captain Obvious Strikes Back
The Return of Captain Obvious
Captain Obvious To The Rescue
Belaboring The Obvious

Customer: “I like these glasses. They make me look more smarter!”

Customer’s boyfriend: “Yeah, well looks can be deceiving.”

Me: “That’ll be $49.95, thank you sir.”

(Customer takes out his credit card and his reward benefits card from his wallet and pointedly separates them before handing them over. I take the cards.)

Customer: “No, you can’t touch the cards together like that, it ruins the magnetic strip.”

Me: “Oh it’s okay, the strips on these cards are very durable.”

(I continue on with the transaction.)

Customer: “Are you deaf? I said don’t touch them together!! You’ll ruin my cards!”

Me: “Sir, trust me–you could put a strong magnet on these cards and they wouldn’t be damaged. Touching them together is not going to affect them.”

Customer: “Well, the customer is always right, so don’t touch my cards together, okay?!”

Me: “Okay, okay, geez.”

(I make a big show of keeping the cards separate.)

Customer: “The service here is terrible.”

Me: “Whatever.”

(I hand his cards back, still making a show of keeping them separate. The customer then proceeds to put them back in his wallet, in the same flap, so they are rubbing against each other through a thin piece of material.)

Me, trying not to laugh: “You just put them together in your wallet.”

Customer: *embarrassed* “Yeah well…shut up and do your job!”

Regular at store: “Hey, I have a question.”

Me: “Ok, what can I help you with.”

Regular: “Do y’all have homeless people come in here often?”

(Indicates couple reading news paper in the corner. I can’t see their faces.)

Me: “Umm, no. Why?”

Regular: “Oh, they just came in sat down like they wanted no one to see them and took your newspaper.”

Me: “Well I can’t ask them to leave unless they are bothering you. Do you want me to ask them for the newspaper? I can since they aren’t paying cust–”

Regular: “Oh no, I was just wondering if homeless people came in here often.”

(I look back to the corner again and I can see their faces now.)

Me: “Um, sir, those are my parents.”

(He did not come back for about six months.)

Me: “Welcome to [name of magazine], how can I help you?

Customer: “Hi, we just got a bill for an ad in your fall issue and I thought we had already paid and our contract was over.”

Me: “Let me get the insertion order.”

(I get the order.)

Me: “It says here you’ve signed up for a full year contract including our fall and winter issues.”

Customer: “But we’re not even open in the fall or the winter.”

Me: “But you signed for the contract.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t read what I was signing…”

(Customer walks onto the lot looking for a car.)

Me: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Yeah, I am looking for a cheap car that will go forever on a tank of gas and will last forever, so I don’t have to take it for any tune ups.

Me: “Me too. In fact let me know when you find it, and I’ll make a better offer on it!”

Customer: “Do you serve boneless wings?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

Customer: “Ok, then that’s what I’d like to order.”

(I bring the customer her meal.)

Customer: “Here are your boneless wings, ma’am. Enjoy.”

Customer: “This isn’t what I ordered.”

Me: “These are the boneless wings your ordered ma’am.”

Customer: “No, these are chicken tenders. I want boneless wings.”

Me: “Ma’am, boneless wings are basically chicken tenders.”

Customer: “No, I want chicken wings with no bones!”

Me: “Yeah…those don’t exist.”

Related:
A Rose By Any Other Name