(I was working for the electronics department for a well known retail chain when I was contacted by the customer service desk.)

Customer Service: “A woman is headed your way who’s exchanging a phone, can you give her a hand?”

Me: “Sure.”

(Sure enough, a minute or two later, the woman appears.)

Woman: “I’m here to get a new phone. The phone I bought had been used already; there were phone numbers in the caller ID.”

Me: “Alright, lets get you a new one.”

(I walk her to the phone aisle and we pick up another phone of the same make/model.)

Woman: “Can you open it? I just want to make sure that it is brand new.”

Me: “Sure.”

(I proceed to open the box and pull out the phone.)

Woman: “That one’s been used too! Look at the numbers on the caller ID!”

(I now realize that she’s referring to the display sticker.)

Me: “No, that’s just a sticker they put on the phone to show that it has caller ID.”

Woman: “No, that phone has been used!”

(I then peel the sticker off the phone. Without saying another word, she takes the phone over to customer service to finish the exchange.)

(Over the phone…)

Lady: “Is there a way to see your menu before coming in?”

Me: “Yes, you can google the name of the restaurant and the first link should take you to a menu.”

Lady: “What’s…’google’ mean?”

Me: “It’s a search engine on the internet. It’s at google.com.”

Lady: “Just a sec…” *faintly* “Google…dot…com…”

Lady: “It’s not working.”

Me: “Did you spell the our name correctly?”

Lady: “I can’t even get to this ‘google’ page! Wait… how do you spell ‘dot’?”

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(Back story: We had a buy 2, get 1 free sale right after Christmas. The sign clearly said “lowest item free”.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy these…” *shows me two $2.99 games for the Gamecube* “…and get this one free.” *shows me a used copy of Halo 3 for $54.99*

Me: “I’d like a million dollars.”

Customer: “I’m serious!”

Me: “So am I, sir. I’m sorry, thats not how the buy 2 get 1 free works. You’d get one of the $2.99 games free.”

Customer: “THAT’S NOT WHAT THE SIGN SAYS! IT SAYS BUY 2 GET 1 FREE!”

(I take the sign off wall and reads it to customer.)

Me: “Buy 2 games get one free on all used games. Please note that the lowest priced item will be free.”

Customer: “That’s not what the sign says! I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t believe you can sue me because you can’t read.”

Customer: “Do you have that movie with that guy?”

Me: “Which guy?”

Customer: “Don’t you know what I’m talking about?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I don’t, but if you could tell me which actor was in the movie perhaps I could think of it for you.”

Customer: “You know, that one that was in that movie.”

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(Telepathic) Help Wanted

(It is Ash Wednesday and we have kids form next door come over for Mass in the morning. I’m serving as a communion minister as the kids start to come up. One little guy came up right away and just stood there with his hands at his sides looking at me.)

Me: “Do you take communion yet?”

Him: “Do those have peanuts?”

Me: “?”

Him: “‘Cause I can’t have peanuts.”

Me: “No peanuts here, but have you had communion yet?”

Him: “I don’t think I should, just in case there’s peanuts. I can’t have any.”

Me: “How about we just give you a blessing then?” *I make the sign of a cross on his forehead and give him a blessing*

Him: “Thanks, maybe next time there won’t be any peanuts. I can’t have those.”

Me: *wonders if we should make up a “Jesus - Now Peanut Free!” sign, just in case* ;o)

(The phone rings at around 6-ish.)

Me: “Hello, this is D-…”

(I hear loud crying in the background.)

Man: “Hello, Disney World? I’m just calling to say that if my children don’t finish their vegetables in the next five minutes, we won’t be visiting you this year.”

Me: “I…er…what?”

Man: *whispering* “Thank you.” *click*

(As I serve an order of prime rib with a side of mushrooms…)

Customer: “Ohhh, ewww!”

Me: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “Not really, I just don’t like mushrooms.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I thought you ordered the mushrooms.”

Customer: “Oh, I did. But I just don’t like mushrooms.”

(A customer walks into the video rental store toward the end of a long, tiring night.)

Customer: “Do you have any movies?”

Me, joking: “Nope, just sold the last one.”

Customer: “Alright…”

(The customer proceeds to walk out of the store.)

(I work as a computer tech and do in house calls, I got a call one day and went to the customers house to assist with her computer not coming on.)

Customer: “Thank god you’re here!”

Me: “What’s wrong with the computer?”

Customer: “It wont turn on at all, not even the monitor.”

Me: “Okay…”

(I begin to look at it, and it won’t come on at all, the tower or the monitor, so I check the easy things first. I find her power strip unplugged from the wall and plugged into itself. So I plug it into the wall and the computer magically comes on.)

Me: “Okay, your problem was that your power strip was plugged into itself, and therefore did not have any power to the computer.”

Customer: “How do you think that happened?”

Me: “Well, I’m sure your foot got caught up in it and accidentally unplugged it from the wall, and then you saw a plug hanging there later and plugged it into the power strip.”

Customer: “No, I don’t think that happened.”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure as to what really happened, but that is what I think happened.”

Customer: “I think my cat did it.”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Customer: “I think my cat got back there and got caught up in it and unplugged it.”

Me: “That’s possible…”

Customer: “But how did it get plugged into itself?”

Me: “I’m sure you saw it hanging there and plugged it into the power strip.”

Customer: “No, I’m pretty sure the cat did that too.”

Me: “I don’t think the cat can or did do that.”

Customer: “Yeah he did…he does all kinds of stuff like that. One day I came home and he had turned the thermostat up.”

(She was pointing at the thermostat which was on a wall with no way for the cat to get to it…and it was digital, so the cat would of had to push the button several times.)

(Since that day, every time we get a simple call we joke with each other and ask if the customer has a cat.)

(I work in a local government call centre and take calls from the residents about all kinds of things–including education.)

Customer: “Hi, I got your booklet about the school meals and it said I can get a grant for clothing.”

Me: “That would be the school uniform grant. Could I take yours and your child’s details? I can send you an application form.”

Customer: “I don’t have kids, can’t I have the money for myself? I’m on income support.”

Me: “The grant is for the school uniform sir, and it is only available for children.”

Customer: “So I can’t have the money for myself?”

Me: “Um…no.”

Customer: “For f**k’s sake!” *hangs up*

(I wasn’t sure if he wanted the money for normal clothes, or wanted to buy himself an actual school uniform.)

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