(At the store where I used to work, most of our bags didn’t have handles. Only the largest size did. A woman was buying a greeting card, which, after scanning, I gave to her in a small paper
bag.)

Woman: “Don’t you have any bags with handles?”

Me: “I’m sorry. The only bags we have with handles are these big ones.”

(I show her the large bag with handles.)

Woman: “Well THAT’S stupid!”

(She then proceeded to call a few other things stupid.)

Woman: “Fine, just give me the bag without handles.”

Me: “Do you want your receipt?”

Woman, looking at me as in disbelief: “NO, I don’t want a RECEIPT!”

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Woman: “Well…you…DON’T have a nice day!”

(…so it was my job to exchange prizes for tickets. A customer comes up to me and I count their tickets.)

Me: “You have 24 tickets.”

(Customer looks around at prizes.)

Customer: “How much is that remote control car?”

Me: “That’s 600 tickets. You should probably look at the smaller prizes you can afford, like the rings and rubber snakes. They are only two tickets each.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll take that lava lamp.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the lava lamp is 14,000 tickets and you have 24 so I highly suggest looking at cheaper prizes like these rubber snakes.”

(Customer finally decides he needs to go get more tickets and returns to playing games. Another customer approaches and I count their tickets.)

Me: “You have 650 tickets.”

Another Customer: “Okay, I’d like 80 of the snakes but only red and green ones.”

Me: “Wouldn’t you prefer a remote control car or this water gun?”

Another Customer: “No, I want snakes!”

(I was a waiter at a 50’s style dinner in a mall restaurant where a customer asked me to turn the heat up.)

Customer: “It’s a little cold in here. Could you turn the heat up?”

Me: “I would love to, but the restaurant is open to the mall and we have no control over the mall temperature.”

Customer: “Could you please just try?”

Me: “I would love to but there is no way–”

Customer: “I would really appreciate it if you would just try.”

Me: “I’ll be right back and see what I can do.”

(I then proceed to walk into the back house and munch on some onion rings. After a few minutes pass, I walk out.)

Me: “How’s that?”

Customer: “Much better!”

(Holding a large box of straws, I walk out towards the customers side of the registers during lunch time at a busy shopping center fast food restaurant, to refill all the straw holders.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir…”

(I walk up beside the customer, but still giving him some space despite the fact it was busy and crowded.)

Angry Customer: “To hell with that c**p, Why do you get to go first? I’ve been waiting here for TEN MINUTES!”

Me: “I’m just…”

Angry Customer: “You’re just impatient, thats your problem, wait in line like the rest of us.”

(A lot of other customers were staring at him, he had clearly not even realized I was in uniform.)

Me: “Sorry sir, I work here and I need to refill these straws, a lady complained before because all the straw holders had run out.”

Angry Customer: “Well why are you doing that NOW? Couldn’t you have picked a better time to do it?! I lined up here and all I want is a lousy meal and your in my way…” *continues on and on*

Me: “Look, it’s our policy to not hand out straws because of hygiene reasons, so I must refill the straws so the customers can take them themselves so they can you know, drink?”

Angry Customer, loudly: “You’re very rude. I want to talk to your manager immediately!”

Me, sarcastically, as he had not noticed *MANAGER* on my name badge: “Hi, I am the manager on duty. My name is ****. What seems to be the problem?”

(Other customers nearby giggle/laugh.)

Angry Customer: “Well thats just f**king great, what a piece of s**t place anyway. F**k!”

(Angry customer storms off after wasting about 15 minutes of his life over some straws.)

(I have a reputation of knowing good movies. Some customers got into the habit of just coming in and asking me what they should watch…especially when they wanted to seem intellectual. One customer was an a** one day so I gave him a Russian movie that was slow, boring and pretentious. He returned the movie about a week later.)

Me: “How’d you like it?”

Customer: “Man, you dropped the ball on this one. It sucked. Took me three nights to get through it. I kept falling asleep. I hate to have to pay this much money for it.”

Me: “Wow, I’m surprised. I don’t recommend it to a lot of people because I don’t think they’ll catch the subtle subtext in the imagery.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah…the meat of the story is really in the shot composition, the use of color and the things that remain unsaid. It gets past a lot of people but I thought you would have caught that and enjoyed the message.”

Customer: “You know, don’t check that in yet. I’ll take it back and watch it again.”

Me, picking up phone: “*** Book and Music…can I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have Shakespeare in English?”

Customer: “Yeah, this movie didn’t play right. It keeps skipping. I want a different one.”

Me: “Okay, if you want to go grab another copy off the shelves I’ll get this checked in.”

(I scan the movie and it is three days late.)

Me: “Ma’am, this movie is three days late.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “So…I’ll have to charge you full price to rent another movie, and you’ll need to pay the late fee.”

Customer: “THE MOVIE DIDN’T WORK. I SHOULD GET ANOTHER ONE FREE!”

Me: “Well, it was a three day rental, and you could have brought it in anytime in those three days and we would have been happy to exchange it free of charge. However since it’s late, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “THIS IS F**KING BULLS**T! LET ME TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “I am the manager, ma’am.”

Customer: “F**KING RIDICULOUS! THE MOVIE DIDN’T PLAY!”"

Me: “I’m sorry, but you had a full three days to bring it back.”

Customer: “I WAS F**KING BUSY!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am that’s not my fault.”

Customer: “GIVE ME YOUR BOSS’ NUMBER! I’M GOING TO REPORT YOUR A**!! K***** [my boss] IS AN OLD FRIEND AND YOU’RE GOING TO GET FIRED!”

(I give her the number and she storms out, muttering. I call my boss.)

Me: “Just so you know, you might be getting a call from your friend, C** M** trying to get me fired.”

My Boss: “Who the hell is C** M**?”

Customer: “How cold is the Extra Cold Guinness?”

Me: “Colder than the regular Guinness.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll try it.”

(Customer takes a sup of his pint.)

Customer: “It just tastes like regular Guinness, but colder!”

Me: “…yup.”

Related:
The Son Of Captain Obvious
Captain Obvious Strikes Back
The Return of Captain Obvious
Captain Obvious To The Rescue
Belaboring The Obvious

(I use to work in a deli at a grocery story. This story takes place there.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want the extra cheap-a** ham.”

Me: “How thin do you want that?”

Customer: “Bible-paper thin.”

Me: “Um…ok?”

(It should be noted that slicing the “extra cheap-a** ham” too thin results not in ham, but in a ham-like paste)

Me: “Here you go.”

Customer: “You call that thin? You obviously aren’t a religious man, I can see.”

Me: “Ok…”

(I ended up giving him about $3.00 worth of ham paste and he walked away happy, so I guess it all worked out.)

(I’m working drive through when the headset beeps.)

Me:: “Hi, welcome to *** Donuts, what can I get you?”

Customer:: “Hi, I’ll have a barbarian cream!”

Me:: “…a what?”

Customer: “A barbarian cream!”

Me: “…you mean a Bavarian cream?”

Customer: “Yeah, that!”