Woman: “I’ve been standing out there trying to pump gas for the last 10 minutes! Your @&$%*# gas pump is broken!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’ll go out with you and see what I can do.”

(I see a bright red “Out of Order” bag on the nozzle; she had shoved everything into her tank, bag and all.)

Me: “Yes, that pump is broken. You’ll need to pull up to another pump.”

Woman: “Oh, well you guys should really mark it better. I wasted a lot of time here!”

Me: “Um…yes, we usually put a traffic cone in front.”

Woman: “Oh yeah…I saw it, but I didn’t know what it was for, so I just drove over it.”

(The cone was wedged under her car.)

(This is from a few years ago, when I worked tech support for a major satellite TV company.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Is your satellite down?”

Me: “No sir, the satellite is working properly.”

Customer: “Are you sure? Because I’m not getting ANYTHING on my TV.”

Me: “Well, let’s try and get this solved for you. What do you see on the screen?”

Customer: “It’s black.”

Me: “There’s nothing at all on the screen?”

Customer: “I told you, it’s completely black!”

Me: “Is…is there a message of any kind?”

Customer: “Yeah, it says ’searching for satellite signal’. That’s how I know your satellite is down. You need to connect me to a different one.”

Me: “Well sir, just in case it’s possibly something else and not the satellite, could you tell me who installed your equipment? Did you pay for an installer or did you do it yourself?”

Customer: “I did it myself! I’m not an idiot. I took the box out of the package and connected it to my TV and DVD player and stereo just fine. I know how to connect a few wires…”

Me: “Okay, maybe there’s something blocking the dish, like a tree or perhaps a neighbors house. Where did you mount the dish?”

Customer: “Dish? The bowl thing? It’s still in the box. Look, just connect me to your other satellite already!”

Me: …

(As I am working in the department, refilling betta containers, dressed in company attire and name tag clearly displayed.)

Customer: “Do you work here?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, I do. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “I was standing here for 10 minutes, waiting for someone to help me.”

Me: “Oh, well I have been here for the last 20 minutes.”

Customer: “Could you help me find this [competitor’s can of cat food]?”

Me: “I am sorry ma’am, we do not sell that brand here.”

Customer: “DO NOT TELL ME THAT, I WAS JUST HERE LAST WEEK AND BOUGHT IT!! I KNOW YOU SELL IT!!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t.”

Customer: “FINE THEN, PROVE IT!!”

(I turn to the back of the can and read it.)

Me: “Marketed and sold by [competitor]. Anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: *turns and walks away*

Me: *smile*

(A customer calls in 30 minutes before our store actually opens.)

Customer: “Do you have [style of shoe] in a size 11?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, we do. Would you like me to hold it for you?”

Customer: “No. I want to pay for it over the phone, and then come pick it up on my lunch break.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I can’t do that transaction over the phone.”

Customer: *yelling* “WHY NOT?! I’ll come in for it sometime between noon and two; it’s for my son, I want to be sure I can get this for his birthday.”

Me: “Like I said, I can hold it for you–”

Customer: “I heard you, but you aren’t hearing me! I want to buy it NOW.”

Me: “I can’t do that over the phone, I would have to see your ID along with your card to verify that it’s yours.”

Customer: “Can’t I just tell you my name?”

Me: “No, because anyone could read the name off the card. I have to see a photo ID.”

Customer: “Well, can’t I tell you what I look like then?”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager.”

Me: “I am the manager, ma’am.”

Customer: “You’re a terrible manager then. You are SO rude!”

Me: “Yes, you’re right.” *hangs up*

(I can’t really say I’m all that surprised she never showed up for that shoe…)

Me: “****** Frame Shop, how can I help you?”

Lady: “Hi. I have a problem with a mat I ordered.”

Me: “What is the problem?”

Lady: “Well, I wanted the mat to fit over a puzzle and on the puzzle box it says it is supposed to be 20″ by 28″, so that is what we ordered.”

Me: “Okay.”

Lady: “But I am putting the puzzle together and it is only 20″ by 23″.”

Me: “Well, if there is a problem I can always re-order the mat for you…”

Lady: “But the puzzle is supposed to be 20″ by 28″! Now it won’t fit in the frame I bought from you!”

Me: “Do you have the puzzle all put together?”

Lady: “No, not yet.”

Me: “…then how did you measure it?”

Lady: “I measured the edges!”

Me: “Are there any pieces with flat sides left?”

Lady: “Yes, but they don’t fit.”

Me: “Hmm, I see….”

(I spend the next 15 minutes trying to explain to the customer that all of the flat pieces belong on the edges of the puzzle, without offending her or snickering.)

Customer: My wireless network’s down. The modem says it’s connected but none of us can browse.

Me: “Can you ping the modem? … No? Ok, I’ll need you to connect to the modem with a cable, and log into the configuration page. Great. Now click on the ‘wireless’ tab.”

Customer: “There’s no wireless tab.”

Me: “What model of modem do you have?”

Customer: “An Open 624.”

Me: “Not the 624W?”

Customer: “No, I told you, the 624.”

Me: “Um…that is not a wireless capable modem.”

Customer: *exploding* “Don’t bulls**t me! You sold me this piece of crap! It had wireless until yesterday and now it doesn’t!”

Me: “Did any of your neighbours move out?”

Customer: “What the h–…Oh.”

Me: “Shall I put you through to the Modem Sales department?”

Related:
My Neighbor Broke, Can You Fix It

(A woman calls in, telling me that she rented Good Luck Chuck for her young son’s sleepover without watching the movie first. She showed the movie to a party of young boys, and then had to call their parents to apologize.)

Woman: “I need to know how I can prevent this from happening in the future.”

Me: “Well, if you bring the movie up to the counter, chances are that somebody has seen the movie, and if they haven’t we can point you in the direction of a movie that would be appropriate.”

Woman: “This movie says ‘unrated.’ It should be okay!”

Me: “Actually, ‘unrated’ means that things have been put into the movie that couldn’t be shown in theaters.”

Woman: “What? I’ve seen CARTOONS that are unrated.”

(I assume she’s talking about ‘not rated,’ but decide that telling her that there’s a difference will just make her angrier.)

Me: “Well, if you flip over and read the back of the movie, under the rating it will tell you what it is rated that for–”

Woman, sounding angry: “Yeah, I know, I read it. It says, ‘Nudity, Strong Sexual Content, Drug Use, and Adult Language.’ EVERY movie has that.”

Me: “I’m sorry about the misunderstanding. All I can suggest is that if you’re not sure, you can bring the movie up to the counter and we can help you. Would you like me to put a free movie on your account?”

Woman: “I don’t think you should even carry this movie on your shelves, it’s disgusting.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we only get what Corporate sends us.”

Woman: “Who can I complain to?”

Me: “All I can do is put a free movie on your account for the inconvenience. Our company gets the movies with the ratings from the production companies–”

Woman: “How can I call the production companies?”

Me: “Um, I guess you could search for them on Google?”

Woman: “Good, I am going to call the production company right now and complain.”

Me, trying desperately not to laugh: “Okay, I’m really sorry for the inconvenience, have a nice night.”

(She hung up the phone and I immediately burst out laughing–apparently a label saying, “UNRATED - CHUCKED UP EDITION,” in giant letters, as well as all of the warnings on the back and just the plot of the movie are not enough warning. Does she want us to put up a sign saying, “DO NOT RENT THIS MOVIE FOR YOUR SON’S SLEEPOVER?”)

Me: “911, is this an emergency?”

Caller, screaming: “I have been trying to call you on the CB radio for an hour!”

Me: “We don’t monitor CB radio, do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “Of course you have CB radio, I see the cops talking on them all of the time!”

Me: “Those are police radios; they operate on a different radio frequency band. Do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “F*** you! F***ing lazy b*****d, this lady’s house is burning to the ground while you watch Showtime and ignore the CB!”

Me: “What is your location, sir?”

Caller: “I am–”

(At this time I hear a large BANG and the phone drops. A few moments later the man picks up the phone and tells me that his truck was fully involved and that was his tires exploding. He had parked his truck at the door of the house to load belongings while he tried to call on his CB. Both the house and truck were a total loss.)

Woman: “My screw fell out of my glasses. Can you replace it?”

Me: “Absolutely.”

(I go in the back, replace the woman’s screw and bring it back.)

Woman: “This is all wrong.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “This screw is silver. My screw was gold!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only screws I have are silver.”

Woman: “But my screw was gold. This thing is cheap.”

Me: “To be fair your screw wasn’t gold. It just had gold paint on it just like your frames.”

Woman: “How do you know?”

Me: “Well, I looked at the other screw.”

Woman: “I thought this frame was solid gold.”

Me: “I’m afraid not. This is a $120 dollar frame. It’s not going to be made of gold with gold screws for $120 dollars.”

Woman: “Well, can you give me a gold painted screw?”

Me: “I only have silver, ma’am.”

Woman: “Well I don’t want it.”

Me: “Would you like me to take it out and give you back your broken glasses?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “Than I suggest you take this screw.”

Woman: “I don’t want it!”

Me: “Then I’ll take it out for you.”

Woman: “No! I need them to see.”

(I hand her back her frame, still fully repaired.)

Woman: “I DON’T WANT THAT SCREW!”

Me: “Well if you find the screw that fell out, I will be happy to put it back in for you.”

Woman: “I’ll never find it, it fell out a week ago!”

Me: *bangs head on wall*

Related:
Customer: Impossible

(A lady walks into the cafe, i just happen to be standing by the counter with my coworker.)

Woman: “I’ll have *order* please”

Coworker: “Okay, that’s $1.47.”

(I make the coffee.)

Woman: *leans in and whispers to me* “Excuse me?”

Me: “Yes?”

Woman: “What exactly is an ‘Emo’?”