Me: “Thank you for calling *** Cinemas. How can I help you?”

Some Stoner: “Yeah. Do you have any funny movies?”

Me: “Sure…”

(I go through the list of comedies.)

Stoner: “Oh. I watched Toy Story today while I was high. That was pretty funny, seeing those toys running around all f**ked up. Do you have anything like that?”

(I put down the phone for a moment to stifle my laugh.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we do not have any drug-induced movies playing right now.”

Stoner: “Oh. Well, uh…I’m gonna watch Toy Story 2 now.”

(Stoner hangs up.)

(I was working in the back, getting things ready for the next floor set, and I had to pull some mannequins from the floor and dress them. I was dragging one of the full body forms towards the back, when a customer approached me.)

Her: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

(Note that I’m wearing the uniform and I still have a headset in my ear.)

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m stealing this mannequin.”

Her: “Oh, okay. thanks.”

(She turns around to find someone else to help her.)

Customer: “I want to buy these pans that I saw on sale online.”

Me: “Alright, ma’am, what brand are they?”

Customer: “I don’t know that!”

Me: “Okay…how much are they?”

Customer: “I don’t know that either!”

Me: “Do you perhaps have a photo of the pans?”

Customer: “I didn’t have time to do that!”

Me: “Alright ma’am, sometimes things sold online are not sold in store.”

Customer: “”All I know is that they were at this store and they were different colors.”

Me: “What colors were the pans?”

Customer: “I don’t remember!”

(I show her every pot and pan set that was a different color from the norm. E.g., orange, green and blue. Of course, that wasn’t what she wanted. She picks out an item that wasn’t even close to like she wanted in the first place. She goes to put the item in her cart, but she had lots of stuff in her cart and it doesn’t fit.)

Customer: “What am I supposed to do, it doesn’t fit in my cart!”

(she acted like it was my fault the stuff didn’t fit. I guess I was suppose to shrink the box for her.)

Me: “Well ma’am, why don’t you take some stuff out. Put the big stuff on the bottom and the small stuff on the top.”

Customer: *looks at me like a deer in the headlights*

(I was paged to another area of the store and walked away from her. I’m sure I would have punched her otherwise.)

(We are accustomed to seeing celebrities walk into our store. One day, Forest Whitaker came in looking for a book. We played it cool and treated him like any other customer. Just as he was leaving, one of our regulars recognized him.)

Customer: “Oh my god! You’re Forest Whitaker! You were in [movie]!”

Forest: “No, I wasn’t.”

(This customer called in to reactivate her account. She didn’t remember the original password so I reset it for her)

Me: “All right, your password must be at least six characters in length, contain letters and numbers, and cannot be a common dictionary word. What would you like it to be?”

Customer: “Eat sh*t.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “The password–eatsh*t.”

Me: “Alright…but it requires a number.”

Customer: “Oh….”

Me: “How about 1eatsh*t1?”

Customer: “Great!”

(A female comes into the bar and asks to use the toilets.)

Me: “Sorry, toilets are for customer use only.”

Her: “I just started my period. If you don’t let me use the toilet, I’m going to bleed all over your floor.”

Me: “First door on the left.”

Man on phone: “Hi, I don’t think this DVD is working properly.”

Me: “What happened, exactly?”

Man on phone: “We put it in and it plays, but the movie is only a couple minutes long and then it starts over again.”

Me: “Are there any words on the screen?”

Man on phone: “Yes. The title of the movie and some other things.”

Me: “Is there a word that says Play or Play Movie?”

Man on phone: “Yes.”

Me: “Just hit the play button on you remote control or DVD player.”

Man on phone: “Wow! Thanks! It’s doing something else now. I just thought it was a short movie.”

Customer: “Yo, I need some headphones!”

Me: “Over by the windows are where we keep the headphones. Have a look and let me know if you have any questions.”

Customer: “Well, which ones should I buy?”

Me: “Well, I tend to recommend Sony. They’re a little pricier, but the sound quality and durability are far better.”

Customer: “I got money! Hold on.” *pulls out a fat wad of cash and starts counting it* “One hundred, two hundred. Yeah, I think I got enough.”

Me: *smelling booze off him and realizing he’s drunk* “So would you like to go with a Sony, then?”

Customer: “You like my coat?”

Me: “What? Um, yes, it’s a very nice coat.”

Customer: “Smell it. It’s real leather. Here.” *holds out coat*

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sir, I do not want to smell your coat.”

Customer: “C’mon it’s a nice coat. I paid 175 dollars for that sh*t, ON SALE!”

Me: *hesitates, but smells the coat* “Yes. It’s a very nice coat. Did you want to go with a Sony then?” *I notice my coworkers beginning to laugh*

Customer: “Maaaaaaaan. C’mon. I got this nice coat, this cash. Maybe if I take some skin off my nose and put it on my d**k…” *stumbles around*

Me: *walks away*

Coworker:: “What did he say to you? I saw that he was bothering you, so I called security.” *phone rings*

Me: “Hello?”

Store Security: “Hey, this is store security checking in. I’ve been watching this guy over the security cameras.”

Me: “It’s okay, he left. I think he was drunk.”

Store Security: *sort of laughing* “Yeah yeah, I know. Um….. Did he ask you to smell his COAT?”

Me: *laughing hysterically*

Me: “Thank you for calling The UPS Store, this is Rick speaking, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, hi. I need to find out how much it will be to send something to Iowa.”

Me: “I’d be happy to get you an estimate on shipping. Could I get the dimensions and weight of the box as well as the ZIP code of the destination?”

Caller: “Yeah, it’s probably about 10 pounds, and about this big.”

Me: “Well, I need a ZIP code for the destination, but you didn’t really give me the dimensions of the box.”

Caller: “The ZIP code is 51365, and it’s about this big.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see your hands, so you’ll have to give me some sort of numeric dimension to work with.”

Caller: “Oh, let me get a ruler–” *click*

Me: *sigh*

Customer in the store who overheard the phone conversation: “Are you serious?!”

Related:
Paging Miss Cleo
Egocentrism Meets Geocentrism
You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy
(Telepathic) Help Wanted

Customer: *hands over US Currency while trying to buy a T-Shirt*

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t take US Currency. We do, however take debit, all major credit card–”

Customer: *cuts me off* “Why the hell can’t you take my money?! This is the U. S. OF A!”

Me: “No sir, this is the Yukon Territory, in Canada.”

Customer: “No it’s not! This is the USA! Alaska! I’ve been driving on the Alaska Highway for hours so that makes this Alaska!”

Me: “No sir. This is the Yukon…we’re part of Canada…the Alaska Highway LEADS to Alaska and–”

Customer: *again, cutting me off* “Don’t you ever look at a map?! The Yukon is IN Alaska, and that’s part of the United States! You HAVE to take my money!”

Me: “The Yukon is part of Canada, we are NEXT to Alaska, which is part of the United States…”

(The customer gets angry, slams his item on the counter and storms out, muttering something about “stupid kids.”)