Kid: “Mommy mommy, I want those shoes!”

Mom: “Why do you want those shoes?”

Kid: “Because everyone else is wearing them.”

Mom: “Wouldn’t you want to get something different and be more original?”

Kid: “No…then I wouldn’t be original like everyone else!”

(A customer hands me the tickets to the horror/torture movie, Hostel 2.)

Employee: “I’m sorry sir, but this movie is R-rated and I’m afraid I can’t let your child in.”

Customer, agitated: “Can’t you just let us in?”

Employee: “I’m sorry sir, but I’d lose my job if I did that. I CAN help you find another movie.”

(The customer then throws his $6 tub of popcorn in my face and all over the podium and walks off with his family. There’s good family values…)

Woman: “Hello, I’d like to report a ticket.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Woman: “I want to report a speeding ticket.”

Me: “I don’t really have the ability to write tickets over the phone.”

Woman: “He’s speeding down the road; he must be doing 90mph!”

Me: “Generally at this time of day we have patrols on every major street.”

Woman: “I caught up to him and he is doing about 102. His license number is ******.

(I pretend to write it down so I can end this phone call.)

Me: “Thank you ma’am, I’ll get right on mailing this-”

Woman: “Did it come up?”

Me: “Yes it did.”

Woman: “What did it say?”

Me: “It says the car is stolen.” (It didn’t.)

Woman: “Oh my god!”

Me: “And what is your Driver’s License Number?”

Woman: “Why do you need that?”

Me: “You are aware it is illegal to drive and talk on your cellphone, right?”

Woman: *click*

Bored teen girl (between snapping her chewing gum): “Yeah–I’m looking for this book, When I Drop Dead?”

Me: “I can’t seem to find it in the system. Do you know who the author is?”

Bored teen girl: “I dunno. Flooker or Flocker or something.”

*A light goes on in my head*

Me: “Do you mean AS I LAY DYING, by WILLIAM FAULKNER??”

Her: *explosive sigh* “Yeah. Whatever. That.”