Elderly Female: “I didn’t know they had digital scales.”

Me: *rings through scale* “Yup, they’re pretty cool.”

Elderly Female: “Are they accurate?”

Me: “I believe so, they measure to one decimal place too so it’s more accurate to read than a normal scale.”

Elderly Female: “Oh that’s so lovely!!! I’m going to go home now and weigh myself naked!!!”

Me: *bad bad image in head*

(Two customers have come in to rent some sound equipment that they need to DJ a party. I’ve given them all the basic equipment they need for the sound system.)

Me: “Is there anything else you need with your rental?”

Customer: “Yeah, we need something to make it sound better…like lights!”

Me: …

Me, to a customer opening the beer cooler: “I’m sorry, but alcohol sales close at midnight.”

Customer: “That’s ok, I’m just getting beer.”

(This happens while I’m checking out another patron’s books.)

Library patron, screaming and pointing at me, elbowing other patron out of the way: “WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE THE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP OFF THE STOVE???”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m helping someone right now….”

Library patron: “You let it get all FATTY on the top!!!”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

(Library patron begins to cry.)

Me: “Why are you crying?”

Library patron: “I don’t know, cuz dads are microwaving their kids and sh*t!”

Me: …

Me: “Hi, can I help you find something?”

Lady Customer: “Yes, actually. You have this item that I want, but it looks like it’s been damaged.”

(Lady lifts up a portable DVD player that’s currently on sale. She pointed out a small tear in the box.)

Lady Customer: “Would you happen to have any more?”

Me: “Sure, I can check for you.” *checks our computer* “No, I’m sorry, it appears that you have the last one.”

Lady Customer: *angry* “Why don’t you have any more!?”

Me: “Well, it’s a great sale, so we’ve had a lot of people come in today to purchase it.”

Lady Customer: “Yes, but it’s ON. SALE. That means that it should be IN. STOCK.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but since it’s on sale, we’ve had a lot of people come in today to purchase it. The one that you have right now is still in good shape. The only problem with it is not the product, but the box itself.”

Lady Customer: “This is false advertising! Your ad said you had these, but you don’t! WHY!?”

Me: “Because if we had every on sale item overstocked to meet demand, our storage room would be impossible to traverse through…”

Lady Customer: “Fine, be a smart ass. I still want one from here either way. Call the store in [location] to drive one here so I can purchase it.”

Me: “… Excuse me?”

Lady Customer: “Call [location]…and tell them to bring me one…”

Me: “Um… first, we don’t have an outside line in my department. You would have to go to Guest Service. Second, they wouldn’t deliver a single item for one guest.”

Lady Customer: “Why the HELL not!?”

Me: “Because… I don’t think the Electronics specialist, currently busy handling his own department…would be very happy to have to get your item, drive his car 20 minutes, waste gas, and then deliver said item to you while you’re already holding said item in hand…”

Lady Customer: “THIS. IS. RIDICULOUS!”

Me: “We agree then.”

Lady Customer: *Infuriated* “I am NEVER coming to this STUPID F**KING STORE AGAIN! I’M GOING TO WALMART!”

Me: “Good luck Ma’am! I heard they have GREAT customer support, but I doubt they will meet to your demands.”

(Lady storms off.)

Another Customer: “What the f**k was her problem?”

Me: “…thank you…”

Me: “Can I get your domain name please?”

Customer: “something@yahoo.com”

Me: “That’s actually an email address. What I’m looking for is something similar to www.website.com.”

Customer: “www.something@yahoo.com.”

Me: *sigh* “Can I get your name?”

Customer: “I’d like to return these ice pops.”

Me: “Ok, I just need to see your receipt.”

(I take the box of ice pops.)

Me: “…this is an empty box!”

Customer: “Well, we ate them. Some of them taste good, but some of them had a weird taste, so we threw them out.”

Me: “I can’t give you money back on something you already ate.”

Customer: “Why are you so difficult?! I’m never shopping here again!”

Female customer, from 15 feet away: “Hey, you!”

Me: “Yes?”

(Customer comes over with her friends and a dirty soccer-ball shaped pillow.)

Female customer: “This is the last one and it’s dirty. I want 20% off!”

Me: “I’d like to give you a discount, but you’ll have to talk to one of my superiors. I don’t have the authority to do that.”

Female customer: *points towards the sky* “My only superior is up there, and He’s the only one who I take orders from. ”

Me: “Let me see if I can get a manager.”

(I call for a manager, and of course, no one shows up. After 10 minutes…)

Female customer: “Why can’t you give me a discount?”

Me: “Because I don’t have the authority.”

Female customer: “Well, I think you can’t give me a discount because you don’t believe in Jesus!”

Me: “You can take that item to the service desk, and I’m sure they’d be able to help you out.”

Female customer: “Yeah and we’ll stick out like a bunch of sore thumbs since we’re the only black people in the store!”

Me: “Actually, our store manager is African American, as well as two of our assistant managers, who are both women.”

Female customer: “Oh.” *she finally walks away*

(I was working another very long day right after March of the Penguins had come out , stuck in the box office, when a sweet looking little old lady and her sweet little old lady friend walked up to the window.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Old lady: “Hello sweetie. I’d like one senior for March of the Penises.”

Little old lady friend: “Oh my God…” *shocked, puts hand up to mouth, whispers to friend*

Me: “I think you might have the wrong theater…”

Related:
Of All The Moments For Freud To Slip

(A little kid comes running up to counter and points at our menu board above my head.)

Kid: “I want that one!”

Me: “The taco or the burrito, honey?”

Kid’s mother: “Don’t point! That’s rude. You have to tell her what you want.”

Kid: “I want the taco.”

Me, turning to the mother: “Ok. What can I get for you?”

Kid’s mother: *points* “I want that one.”