Me: “Good evening, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I placed a carry-out order there tonight and it’s all f***ed up!!”

Me: “Ok ma’am, I’m sure we can resolve this.”

Customer: “This always happens here.”

Me: “Have you placed a lot of carry-out orders with us within the past few weeks?”

Customer: “Yes, four in the past two weeks, and they were all wrong.”

Me: “Well were they expensive items? Such as our 20oz porterhouse or our foie gras? Or were they cheaper items such as potato skins?”

Customer: “Both. Mostly porterhouse steaks though. And I want free food to make up for all of this, and I want it delivered.”

Me: “Well ma’am, I’d be happy to do that.”

Customer: “You’d better be!”

Me: “May I have your name, and address so I can have these delivered?”

Customer: “Amy ***. My address is ***.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Just so you know, we have never carried a porterhouse steak, or foie gras. Nor have we had potato skins in the past 5 years. By the way, we have not done carryout for 7 months. And to top it off the police will soon be heading over to that address that you so graciously gave to me; undermining a store keeper is a crime in this city. Have a nice night.”

Related:
How To Scam A Scammer, Part 2
Lesson 1, How To Scam A Scammer

(Note: this is before Halo 3 has come out. A customer walks into the store and looks at the display cases of Halo 3.)

Customer: “HALO 3 IS OUT! HOW DID I MISS IT?! Do u have any copies left?”

Me: “No. The game does not come out for another month.”

Customer: “Then why do you have the cases out on the floor already?! Its ridiculous! It serves no purpose but to taunt the customer. I hate when stores do this!”

(Customer turns and complains to his friend for five minutes, then turns back to me.)

Customer: “Is there any way that I can reserve Halo 3?”

Me: “Yes, you can for $5.”

(Customer buys the reserve.)

Me, as he is leaving: “And the cases serve their purpose.”

Me: “Hello, ma’am, is there anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “Yes. I need to find a book on rodents.”

Me: “Rodents?”

Customer: “Yes, I have some little creature running around my garage and I need to know what it is. I think it might be a vulva.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “You know, it’s small and looks like a mole or a hamster. A vulva.”

Me: “I think you mean a ‘vole’.”

Customer: “Oh right, that’s it. Do you have any books on voles?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to complain. Your store has false advertising. You say you have the cheapest VHS prices in town, and I just came from a store who is selling them cheaper.”

Me: “Really? Well let me call, and you can call back in 5 minutes, okay?”

(I call the store & soon she calls back.)

Customer: “Well?”

Me: “You are correct, We sell for $5.00 and they’re selling for $4.81.”

Customer: “Like I said, false advertisement. I could sue.”

Me: “It’s a $0.19 difference.”

Customer: “With 4 of those, that would be a dollar!”

Me: “Correction, that would be $0.76. Would you like to sue me for that complete bill or should be round it up to a whole dollar?”

Customer: “I will never shop with you again!”

Me: “There will never be a need.”

(We have a program called MVP where you pay an amount and get movies based on which plan, and never have to pay for the movies at the counter while you have it.)

Me: “Hi, all set?”

Customer: “I have MVP!” *smiles proudly*

Me: “That’s great. I still need your ID…”

Customer: “But I have MVP.”

Me: “So do many other people, I need your ID to look up your account…”

(This went on for a moment more before she finally told me her phone number. Worse part? It was the third time she’s done it.)

Related:
Egocentrism Meets Geocentrism
You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy
(Telepathic) Help Wanted

(I work at a well known pizza chain; let’s call it Daddy Jim’s.)

Customer: “I’d like a large sausage and ham pizza and a large Italian Meats Trio.”

Me: “Alright, your total is $**.**. We’ll have it out there in about 45 minutes.”

(An hour later as I arrive back from the delivery, the store receives a phone call from the same customer.)

Customer: “Yeah, hi. I ordered an Italian Meats Trio pizza, and you guys got it wrong.”

Me: “How did we get it wrong?”

Customer: “Well, it has sausage, ham, and some other sh*t on it.”

Me: “Is the ham kind of orange?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Is the sausage peppered and brownish-orange?”

Customer: “Uh….yeah.”

Me: “Is the other stuff salami?”

Customer: “Yeah! What the hell?”

Me: “Well, the orange ham is Italian ham, the sausage is Italian sausage, and you say there’s Italian salami.”

Customer: “Yeah, so what?”

Me: “That’s three Italian meats…Italian Meats Trio.”

Customer: “Well if I had known that, I wouldn’t have ordered a sausage and ham pizza too!”

Me: “Well maybe you should have some idea of what you’re ordering before you order it.”

Customer: “Well, why didn’t you guys tell me?!”

Me: “Because you ordered it. You didn’t ask about it.”

Customer: *click*

My Loud Manager: “F*cking morons! I hate this job!”

Related:
Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota

Customer: “Why don’t you have any more??”

Me: “…because everyone else bought them all.”

Customer: “BUT WHY??!”

Me: “I don’t know…maybe for the same reason you want to buy them?”

Customer: “And what reason is that?!”

(Customer approaches cash desk with two t-shirts with a price tag of $14.99 each. I scan the t-shirts.)

Me: “Oh, they scan at $7.99 each.”

Customer: “The sign on the table where I found them says that they’re 2 for $20.00.”

Me: “I know, but they scan at $7.99.”

Customer: “…but the sign says 2 for $20.00.”

Me: “I know, but head office must have changed the sale and updated the computer before we had a chance to change the sign. So you can buy the shirts for $7.99 each.”

Customer: “I don’t care what price comes up in the computer. The sign says 2 for $20.00 so you have to sell them to me at that price!”

Me: “Okay.”

(I override the $7.99 price in the computer and change it to $10.00. The customer pays two dollars more per shirt than he has to and smugly goes on his way.)

Me: “The Medic Recordings, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “You know why I’m calling! Can I just come?!”

Me: “Ma’am, whats the problem?”

Customer: “Oh yes I’m sorry, it’s my son. He’s very sick.”

Me: “Ma’am this is a recording studio. Are you sure you dialed the right number?”

Customer: “WHAT?! The phone book says ‘The Medic’!”

Me: “Uh…it says The Medic Recordings, I believe…”

Customer: “This is ridiculous, I don’t care what you are. I’m coming in, my son has a terrible fever!”

Me: “Ma’am I don’t think we could help you–”

Customer: “JUST BE READY!”

*Click*

(Sure enough, she showed up about 15 minutes later and was obviously drunk because she had no son nor did she know why she came.)

Related:
I Got Alky On My Mind

Manager: “When laying down the sod, make sure the green side goes up.”

Customer: “Are you serious? You have to tell me that the green side of the grass goes side up?”

Manager: “I wouldn’t have to say it if someone didn’t make the mistake.”