Me: “Thank you for calling [eye doctor’s office], how can I help you?”

Lady: “Hello, I want to check on the status of my glasses.”

Me: “Okay, what is your full name?”

Lady: “Lori Johnson, spelled L-O-R-I.”

Me: “Okay, hold please.”

(I check the computer for Lori Johnson and it doesn’t come up. I then check alternative spellings things like Laurie, Lory, Lauri, etc. All to no avail.)

Me: “I’m sorry Miss, would you mind giving me your date of birth?”

Lady: “12-21-1969.”

(I do a search for that date of birth and one name comes up. Lori Smith.)

Me: “Would you by chance be listed under any other name?”

Lady: “NO!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll try searching by address.”

(She gives me her address and sure enough, it matches Lori Smith.)

Me: “I seem to have you listed in our computer as ‘Lori Smith’.”

Lady: “That’s not me.”

Me: “Well the date of birth matches, as does the address. Would you like me to search by social security number?”

Lady: “That’s not my name. I got married and my last name is Johnson now!”

Me: “Oh I’m sorry, your insurance still has you listed as Smith so that’s how we got mixed up. You’ll probably want to call them.”

Lady: “That’s no excuse.”

Me: “I’m sorry. But there was no way for us to know you got married.”

Lady: “It was in the newspaper!”

Me: “Okaaaaaay.”

Me: “Good afternoon, AV Services, how can I help you?”

Very Angry Caller: “Yeah, I just flew in on Flight *** from Cleveland, and you lost my luggage.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have the wrong number. This is the University of ***.”

Very Angry Caller: “No it’s not! You’re just saying that!”

Me: “No, really, sir. Our phone number is very close to the airport’s number.”

Very Angry Caller: “LISTEN! YOU LOST MY &^#% LUGGAGE! YOU NEED TO FIND IT!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t have your luggage.”

Very Angry Caller: “STOP F^&%* LYING! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!”

Me: “My supervisor is Mr. ***. But I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have your luggage either. We could probably get you a DVD player or a slide projector.”

(Very Angry Caller starts cussing randomly. I hang up.)

Customer: “Can I get a vegetarian burrito with chicken?”

Me: “You mean, a chicken burrito?”

Customer: “Well, what’s in that?”

Me: “Chicken.”

Related:
Instructions Are Your Friends

Customer: “Excuse me, but I ordered the vegetable soup!”

Me: “Yes ma’am, I know.”

Customer: “I don’t see ANY vegetables in this!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s because it’s your coffee.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(She was surprisingly nice for the rest of meal and left a hefty tip.)

(A customer comes in and goes to a display rack of boots.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Where are the boxes with all the shoes in them?”

Me: …

Her Friend: “She means, do you have these boots in a size 8…”

Related:
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Egocentrism Meets Geocentrism
You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy
(Telepathic) Help Wanted

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how may I help you?”

Lady: “I would like to make a return.”

Me: “Alright, that should be fine. We allow returns on regularly priced clothing as long as it has the tags on it.”

Lady: “Alright, great. So do I give you my phone number?”

Me: “Pardon…?”

Lady: “To do the return?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you need to come into the store to do returns. We need to get the item you’re returning back.”

Lady: “That’s ridiculous! You mean I need to get gas for my car and COME DOWN THERE?!”

Me: “Yes…”

Lady: *click*

Customer: “I’ll have a margarita please.”

(I get a margarita and serve it to the woman.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss? Can I please have another margarita? This one doesn’t have enough quatilia in it.”

Me: “Ma’am, your drink is strong, I can guarantee it.”

Customer: “How do you know there is enough quatilia in this?”

Me: “Because you said “quatilia.”

Customer: “Yeah, and?”

Me: “It’s called ‘tequila.’”

(Customer face turns a nice shade of crimson.)

Me: “One tall cappucino!”

Customer: *picks up drink, opens lid and looks inside* “Excuse me. There’s a lot of room in here. The top is nothing but foam.”

Me: “Yes, that’s what a cappuccino is. It’s basically the same thing as a latte but with more foam.”

Customer: “I don’t get you guys. You guys make me think I’m buying more by calling a small drink a tall, and now you just fill my drink up with foam.”

Me: “I’m sorry. If you’d like, I could just get you a latte.”

Customer: “No, that’s alright but I will take a passion tea lemonade.”

(I do her order and she comes back.)

Customer: “WHY IS THERE SO MUCH ICE?! **** YOU GUYS AND YOUR RIP OFF DRINKS!”

(Customer storms off with drink and chucks it at the window outside.)

(Me standing between the CDs and DVDs sections of my department.)

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I cant find [insert artist here], how are your CDs organized?”

Me: “…alphabetically.”

(Next Customer.)

Customer: “Hi, do you guys sell DVDs?”

Me: *Slowly turns head left and points* “Yes.”

(I’m sure a lot of web designers have had a version of this conversation.)

Client: “Currently we’re a small company…”

Me: “How many people?”

Client: “Four, but we’re in the process of hiring a couple of prospects. So that’s the thing, we want the website to make us look like a much bigger company.”

Me: “Like how much bigger?”

Client: “150, 200 employees.”

Me: “Okay, so…you want to make up some names to go along with those non-existent employees?”

Client: “Sure, whatever works…”