(It’s Christmas Eve and there is a long line of customers who are now waiting to pay. A little girl cuts to the front while I am giving a guy a drink refill.)

Little girl’s mom (LGM), to the refill guy: “UGH! Did you just cut her?”

(LGM smacks the guy in head; surprisingly, he just walks off with his soda.)

Me: “What can I get you?”

LGM: “Don’t ask me, ask her! She’s your customer you should be asking her. God, it’s people like you who ruin the holidays!”

Me, to the little girl: “Okay, what would you like?”

(The little girl just stares blankly at me while customers are becoming pissed.)

LGM, coming clean: “Just give me a Diet Pepsi. It’s for me.”

(I swear this lady was high as a kite…She had this crazed out look and talked in this very airy voice. She comes up to register with a large pile of towels and turns to the lady checking out beside her.)

Customer: “Wow! I love your purse! It would go with my shiny blue shoes, and my black jacket, and those cute Capri pants in my closet!”

Other Customer: “Uh…thanks?”

Customer: *turns to me* “You know, I have to keep changing the bathroom colors. I like the spring colors, but you know, Angel keeps peeling the paint off of the wall behind the toilet so I keep telling her Uncle Rico is going to have to repaint the bathroom if she keeps doing that…”

Me: “Ok…well, I hope you enjoy your towels.” *hands her the receipt* “Thank you and have a nice day.”

Customer: *eyes grow wide as she sprawls the receipt out* “WOW! This receipt is so…LONG! Its so…BIG! And there are so many ITEMS on it!”

(She continued to stand at my register fawning over the length of the receipt for a good 5 minutes before she left.)

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(I’m working at the cigarette counter. I wear glasses–this is critical.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

(Customer is clearly not from this country and speaks in broken English with a thick accent.)

Customer: “Glasses!” *points at my face* “Glasses!”

Me: “You like my glasses?”

Customer: “No glasses. No glasses!”

Me: “You don’t like my glasses.”

Customer: “Not you. No glasses.”

Me: “Not me? No glasses? You want someone without glasses?”

Customer: “Yes. No glasses!”

(I look over at another cashier and a nearby register who heard everything and have her switch with me. Meanwhile everyone around us is cracking up laughing.)

Customer: “What time does the film start?”

Me: “The film starts fifteen minutes after the time on your ticket. There are fifteen minutes of ads and trailers.”

Customer: “No, I said what time does the F-I-L-M start?!”

Me: “The film starts after fifteen minutes of trailers, so fifteen minutes after whatever it says on the ticket. Your ticket says 3:30 pm, so the film would start at 3:45, okay?”

Customer: “Don’t blind me with science!”

Me: “We’re going to take you to the hospital.”

Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go there, they’ll arrest me!”

State Trooper: “Did you do anything wrong?”

Patient: “NO! I don’t wanna go to the hospital!”

Me: “Well you’re pretty banged up. We have to take you for your own good.”

Patient: “NO! The Chinese Lady is gonna stick an AIDS needle in my a**!”

Me: “There are no Chinese ladies at this hospital.”

Patient: “I’m scared! Last time I went to the hospital the Chinese lady stuck an AIDS needle in my a** and I bled out of my a**!”

Me: “Don’t worry, we won’t let any Chinese ladies near you.”

(We get to the hospital.)

Me, to my partner: “Oh my God, his nurse is Chinese.”

Patient, as we walk away: “STAY AWAY!”

(My first day on the job my manager decided that we weren’t getting enough business and proceeded to hand me a plastic pitchfork, wrap a feather boa around my neck and shove me out onto a street corner in the ghetto with a sign.)

People in a passing car: “SATANIST B***H!” *throws ketchup packets at me*

(A short time later…)

White car driven by an older man pulls up: “Miss?”

Me: *walks over* “Yes?”

Him: “How much?”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Him: “Well I don’t usually go for the satanic looking type. I guess you could get out of all that black…”

Me: “What the…oh….” *I start laughing hysterically*

him: “What? You aren’t?”

Me: *I point up towards the store* “Mister, I work for the Halloween shop…”

Him: “Oh, when do you open?”

Me: “I don’t. The store is open now though.”

(Old man blushes and speeds away.)

(After that, I picked up my sign, went back to the store and told my manager that I refused to do that ever again.)

Customer: “This movie is in German. I want a different one.”

(It was “The Lives of Others,” which won Best Foreign Film at the Oscars–which was stated on the box in big letters.)

Me: “I can’t give you another movie, because it was subtitled. Plus, it says it on the box in two places.”

Customer: “But I don’t speak German.”

Me: “Neither do I.”

Customer: “Why do they make movies in German in America?”

Me: “Because it was made by German people.”

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Me: “Thank you for calling *****, how may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I need a new computer.”

Me: “I’m sorry? You need a new computer?”

Customer: “Yeah, I just bought this one and it’s no good, it’s been hacked!”

Me: “This is software support. We can’t replace your hardware, but if you describe the problems you’re having I can try to help you fix them.”

Customer: *irritated and sighing* “Some f***ing hacker broke into my computer and put dirty words everywhere! Now I can’t even let my kids use the computer for their homework, because of the obscene language that randomly pops up on the screen!”

Me: “Sounds like a virus, do you have an anti-virus installed?”

Customer: “I have McAfee and I already tried that 10 TIMES! It didn’t even find anything! Everything on this computer is just worthless and I’m sick of–”

Me: “OK sir, please calm down so I can help you. Can you tell me where you are seeing dirty words?”

Customer: “In AOL instant messenger and WordPad. Every time I open one of them it says “ASSHOLE” on the screen!”

Me: “Where?”

Customer: “I don’t know, why does that matter?”

Me: “I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with your machine, sir. Can you please open WordPad or AIM and tell me where you see that word?”

Customer: *grumbling* “I’m opening instant messenger- there it is! It’s not ‘asshole’ though, it’s ‘anal’- same thing! How do I get rid of this?!”

Me: “Where does it say ‘anal’?”

Customer: “When I click on my friend’s name and the box pops up, it says ‘anal’ right above where you type!”

Me: “Are you sure it says ‘anal’ and not ‘arial’?

Customer: “What the hell is ‘arial’?”

Me: “It’s a font sir; it’s spelled A-R-I-A-L.”

(At this point the customer went silent for about 15 seconds, and then hung up the phone.)

Me: “…so if you cancel your others company’s long distance plan which costs you $10/month, and take ours that’s $8/month, you’ll save $2/month.”

Customer: “Look I called up to save money, and you’re gonna increase my bill?”

Me: “Well, yes, but overall you’ll save…”

Customer: “Look I’ve studied marketing, and you’re not doing this right.”

Me: “Look…I study math.”

(A woman came up to my register today and began putting her items up on the counter. All of a sudden, she stopped to listen to the pet store advertisements that we have playing all day in the store. The ad mentioned donations would prevent unnecessary euthanasia in animals at shelters.)

Woman: “What would they do with the euthanasia?”

Me: “The donations would help animals find homes so they wouldn’t use euthanasia unless it was absolutely necessary.”

Woman: “What do euthanasia have to do with it?”

Me: “Well, euthanasia means putting them to sleep.”

Woman: “They’re killed?”

Me: “Essentially.”

Woman: “I thought that was just a rumor.”

Me: “…what?”

Woman: “So do they eat them?”

Me: *so confused* “…the vets?”

Woman: “No. The kids.”

Me, perplexed: “…kids?”

Woman: “In Asia!”

(Then I realized that she meant youth in Asia. Not, euthanasia. And here I thought that mistake was only made on TV. Wow.)