Pet Insurance Sales | Suffolk, UK
Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling ***** Pet Insurance. My name is Barry, how can I help?”
Customer: “I’m not happy!”
Me: “And why is that?”
Customer: “I don’t know the sort code for my bank account!”
Me: “Okay…have you tried calling your bank?”
Customer: “If I did that I’d end up talking to somebody in India! Can’t you just tell me?”
Me: “Well, I sell pet insurance, so unfortunately, I don’t have that kind of information. I only have information on how much it will cost to insure a cat or a dog. I guess you could find it if you went to your bank’s website.”
Customer: “Oh great! Could you do that for me?”
Me: *sigh*
Sports Bar | Michigan, USA
Me: “Here’s your lemonade sir, what can I get you to eat?”
Customer: “I’ll have a bowl of chili.”
(I walk to the back of the restaurant get bowl of chili and take it to him. This takes all of one minute.)
Customer, angrily: “That took far too long. Did you socialize with the other hussies that work here on your way?”
Me: “No, sir. That’s how long it takes to walk back and get the chili.”
Customer: “I’m not paying for any of this.”
(He then gets up to storm out the front door but instead runs into the door that has the “Use Other Door” sign on it. The “hussies” and I didn’t stop laughing for a good 20 minutes.)
Supermarket | UK
(A customer walks up to counter and stares at produce.)
Customer: “Don’t you have any vegetarian sausages?”
Me: “This is a meat counter; we only have meat. We should have some prepacked though.”
Customer: “But, I want to buy from here. Why don’t you sell them?”
Me: “We only have meat on the meat counter, I’m afraid. Is there anything else you would like?”
Customer: “Do you have tofu burgers here??”
Me: “…”
Tourist Train Station | New England, USA
Man: “Oh miss! I notice your shirt says the “*** Steam Train”. You work there?”
Me: “…yes?”
Man: “So there are, like… trains?”
Me: “Of course…”
Man: “So why are you at “Stop and Shop”? Shouldn’t you be doing your job? There are no trains here!”
Me: “Sir, it’s called a lunch break.”
Man: “Oh…” *radiates a healthy scarlet color*
Bookstore | Dallas, TX, USA
Customer: “I’m looking for that book by the guy with the hair.”
Me: “The…guy with the hair?”
Customer: “Yeah. I saw it on TV this morning. It has a red cover, I think…”
Me: “What was it about?”
Customer: “Ummm…I think it was about losing weight?”
Me, making an intuitive leap: “Was it The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution by Dr. Phil McGraw?”
Customer: “That’s it!”
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(Telepathic) Help Wanted
Bank | Tennessee, USA
Customer: “Hey, somebody painted the wall outside the branch I use!”
Me: “Yes sir. What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “Well now I don’t know my PIN number!”
Me: “I’m sorry–I’m not sure what that has to do with the wall being painted.”
Customer: “I wrote my PIN number on the wall beside the ATM! NOW what am I supposed to do?!?!”
Me: “…”
Frozen Yogurt Shop | Los Angeles, CA, USA
(We keep lids for our yogurt cups behind the counter and ask each customer if they need one when we give them their order.)
Me: “Would you like a lid for that?”
Female Customer: “No, thank you.”
Me: “Alright, have a nice day.”
(She continues to just stand there after I walk away.)
Female Customer: “Fine! I guess I don’t get a lid then!”
Customer’s Boyfriend: “You just told her you didn’t want one.”
Female Customer: “Oh yeah…”
Me: *facepalm*
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Bookstore | Beckley, WV, USA
Lady Customer on the Phone: “Hi, I saw this book on television and I was hoping you’d have it in stock…”
Me: “Why sure, ma’am. Just if you can give me some more details, I will look it up in our computer.”
Customer: “Well it was on Oprah recently, and it was a red book. And it had an award for it or something.”
(I check through our database of books that were recently shown on TV…nothing comes up that remotely fits that description.)
Me: “Ma’am, I’m not seeing anything on our computer. Our company gets a list of books that are on television recently, and I can’t seem to find it. May I ask when you saw the particular episode?”
Customer: “Yeah, it was about five…maybe six-ish…years ago. Come on, do your f***ing job. I already told you it was red! Find it already!”
Me: “Um, I’m sorry ma’am, but this only lists books that were shown within the past two to three months. I can do a normal search if you can give me any other details, such as the author or genre–”
(She cuts me off.)
Customer: “**** you! It’s RED! It’s rectangular! DO YOUR JOB AND FIND IT FOR ME OR I’LL HAVE YOU FIRED! YOU’LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!”
(At this point I just stop talking and handed the phone to the manager on duty. I could hear the woman still frothing at the mouth, even as I walked quickly away from the phone! From what I hear, of course we never figured out what it was, but she hung up eventually screaming all the while she’d have our store torn down for being such incompetent people.)
Restaurant | Boston, MA, USA
(Some customers at our restaurant try to get a free meal by placing some hair in their food and then blaming the chef and refusing to pay for the meal.)
Customer: “Waiter!”
Me: “How can I help you, sir?”
Customer: “There’s a hair in my food.”
Me: “That isn’t possible, unless it was your hair.”
Customer: “It isn’t!”
Me: “Who else’s hair could it be?”
Customer: “Your chef’s.”
(I walk into the kitchen and return to the table with our chef.)
Me: “Take off your chef’s hat.”
(Chef takes off his hat, he is revealed to be bald.)
Chef, to the customer: “You were saying something about my hair being in your food?”
Retail | Florida, USA
(Customer walks up and beings speaking in Spanish.)
Me: “Umm, I don’t speak Spanish.”
Customer: “Oh, ah…” *continues speaking Spanish*
Me: “I don’t understand.”
Customer: *speaks Spanish*
Me, in Swedish: “Jag pratar inte Spanska sa jag!”
*customer runs away*
(130 Thumbs Up!)
