(It was Tall Ships, and we had opened up a stand.)

Customer: “Do you serve crab cakes?”

Boss: “This is a hot dog stand.”

Customer: “So do you sell crab cakes?”

Boss: “We sell hot dogs, chips, and soda.”

Customer: “So do you have crab cakes?”

Boss: “No, we sell hot dogs, chips, and soda. Not crab cakes. Try a different stand.”

Customer: “How can you not have crab cakes! This is Tall Ships! Everyone has crab cakes!”

Boss: “Well, not us. Now there is an awful long line behind you so can you please move along?”

Me: “Can I help the next person?”

Customer: “HEY I AM THE CURRENT CUSTOMER! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY YOU DON’T HAVE CRAB CAKES!”

Me: “Look around you, sir. There are 7 people behind you, behind me there are people making hot dogs, sausage, and peppers. Behind you there is a crab cake stand. If you aren’t going to buy something other than hot dogs, please take your business somewhere else.”

Customer: “I’M GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE! YOU PEOPLE HAVE NO MANNERS!” *storms off*

Boss: “I don’t know what the hell was wrong with him, but if he talks to you like that again, I’m going to kick his a**.”

Me: *happy I have an awesome boss* “Thanks.”

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Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota

(This was a few years ago, when I worked for tech support at my college.)

Me: “***** College tech support, this is *****. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m having trouble with my e-mail client. I can’t figure out how to set up my account.”

Me: “No problem, let me walk you through it.”

(I talk her through the account set up screens. Finally, when we’re done…)

Me: “All right, click on ‘OK’ and you should be all set.”

Caller: “What ‘OK’? I don’t see anything that says ‘OK’.”

Me: “There’s a button to the lower right of the window that says ‘OK’, next to the ‘Cancel’ button.”

Caller: “I don’t see it.”

(This exchange goes on for about 5 minutes. I have the program open on my computer and describe the window to make sure she’s in the right spot, and she is. I make sure she’s running the same version, she is.)

Me: “Ma’am, I have the program open right now, and there should be an ‘OK’ button to the right of a ‘”Cancel’ button…at the bottom right of the screen.”

Caller: “That’s so strange…I just don’t see one.”

Me: “Hmm. Well, what building are you in? Maybe I could help you better in person.”

Caller: “I’m in the–oh, wait! You mean THAT ‘OK’ button?”

Me: “The one at the bottom right, next to a ‘Cancel’ button?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “…yes. Click on that.”

Caller: “Thank you!”

(The other IT techs were laughing throughout this whole conversation… then one informed me that the caller was actually head of the college’s financial aid department. I suddenly understood why half of my friends were having problems with their financial aid.)

(Cell phone customer has been redirected to the call center for non-payment of his cell phone bill.)

Customer: “Turn on my phone or you can take it and shove it up your a**!!!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir. We don’t have service in that area.”

Customer: “Can I have the giant Yorkshire Pudding?”

Me: “Sure, would you like it served with Beef or Pork?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll have beef or pork.”

Me: “No, would you like Beef OR Pork?”

Customer: “YES, beef or pork!”

(Almost thirty kids are lined up at the velcro wall waiting to ride. We have about five minutes until out troupe leaves.)

Some Mother: “I want my son to ride this ride.”

Me: “Ma’am I don’t think there’s enough time for all these kids to–”

Some Mother: “I don’t care if he’s the last one. I want him to ride this ride.”

Me: “This ride is going to shut down in about five minutes. There isn’t enough time for–”

Some Mother: “He can be the last in line then.”

Me: “He can wait in line but probably won’t be able to–”

Some Mother: “Fine.”

(Mother walks away and returns some time after the ride is shut down and all kids are turned away.)

Some Mother: “Hey! HEY! I thought we agreed that my child would get on the ride.”

Me: “That’s not what we agreed to.”

Some Mother: “Well, put the ride back up so he can ride it.”

Me: “I’m sorry but we can’t do all that for one child.”

Some Mother: “Why not?! Your just being f**king stubborn.”

Me: “If you have any complaints you can speak to the clown over there. Have a nice day.”

Some Mother: “I don’t want to talk to any d**n clown.”

Me: “That clown is my boss.”

(I was doing rebates for cellphones at the time…)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Okay, so I want my rebate.”

Me: “Alright, all I need from you is the cellphone number.”

Customer: “I don’t have one.”

Me: “…you don’t have a cellphone number?”

Customer: “No, but I want my rebate.”

Me: “So, you do know that in order to receive a rebate, you actually need to purchase a cellphone?”

Customer: “For **** sakes. You’re telling me that in order to get MY rebate, I need to go out, waste MY gas, and with MY money, buy a cellphone?”

Me: “Well, that would be the general idea of getting a reimbursement on something you had purchased.”

Customer: “But I just want the money back…”

Me: “Well, it’s not like this is free money.”

Customer: “…it’s not?”

Me: “No.”

(After about 20 seconds of silence, the customer hangs up.)

(Keep in mind, this is a kosher deli.)

Customer: “Can I get a ham sandwich, please?”

Me: “Well, sir, we don’t serve ham.”

Customer: “No ham? What do you have then?”

Me: “Well, we have turkey, roast beef, corned beef, and pastrami…”

Customer: “But no ham?”

Me: “No, sir, no ham.”

Customer: “What? Do you have a thing against ham or something?”

Me: “Actually…yes, we do.”

Me: “Good morning, how can I help you?”

Woman: “Yeah, a small coffee with 2 splendas and extra milk.”

Me: “Okay, that will be $1.49.”

(She pays and I give her the change. I proceed to make the drink. I pressed the “Medium” button for milk and then gave an extra shot. When I gave it to her, she took a sip and made a face as if she had just taken a sip of liquefied dog s**t.)

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Woman: “I asked for extra milk! This is too strong.”

Me: “Well, I’ll put some more in for you. No problem.”

Woman, muttering under her breath: “Idiot kid…”

(I put another “Medium” shot in. This is two mediums and one extra shot for a total of seven milks.)

(She takes another sip, with the same face.)

Woman: “What part of extra milk do you not understand?”

Me: “I understand what extra milk means. I put in about four times the regular amount of milk.”

Woman: “Well, put more!”

(I put in more. I put a “Large” shot of milk (four more). This brings our total to 11 milks, therefore being classified as milk with a little coffee.)

Me: “Here.”

(She takes another sip, and yes. Again, she makes that freaking face.)

Woman: “Look. Extra milk means you put in the regular amount, and then you put in MORE.”

Me: “I know that! That is a SMALL coffee with 11 MILKS!”

Woman: “PUT IN MORE!”

(I put in more another “Medium” shot (three more)).

Me: “Here. The coffee is almost white now.”

(She drinks it again and SPITS IT ALL OVER THE COUNTER.)

Me: “Lady, what’s your problem?”

Woman: “This coffee is cold! I ordered a hot coffee, not a cold coffee! Can you comprehend that?”

Me: “F**k this. Who’s next?”

(My shift leader was laughing in the corner the whole time. She remade this lady’s drink with one large shot of milk and gave it to her. She sipped it…”Ah, now that’s better!”)

(Everyone in line had a pretty good laugh about it.)

Me: “You’re through to ****** tech support, can I take your telephone number?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, can I take your post code instead?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay sir, I’m trying to help but I need to bring your account details up in my system.”

Customer, rather angrily: “What the **** do you want my details for? I can’t connect to the internet, you need to sort it out!”

Me: “I will do my best, sir, but like I explained I need to bring up your account details to verify what the problem seems to be.”

Customer, screaming: “That’s it, I’m calling your complaints department. This is ***** ridiculous. I also want to speak to your manager NOW!”

Me: “Sorry sir, I cant do that as you haven’t verified any of your account details.”

Customer: “That’s it, I’m leaving your provider for somebody else!”

Me: “Thanks for calling ***** technical support. Have a nice day!”

(Two minutes later my manager comes over and just bursts out laughing.)

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(Telepathic) Help Wanted

Library Patron: “I need some help comparing heating prices.”

Me: “Okay, let me show you a website where you can compare the different gas companies.”

(Leads patron to computer, and types in website address.)

Me: “Here you go. Just type in your information.”

Library Patron, looking at keyboard: “These letters are all mixed up!”

Me: “Uh, well…”

Library Patron: “Have they always been like this?”

Me: “Only since the 1800’s. Here, let me do the typing.”