Large Woman 1: “This is not my ice cream, I ordered the butter pecan! It’s simple–just scoop ice cream!”

Large Woman 2: “This is not my ice cream either, I ordered the maple walnut! How d*** complicated is it to give people the right ice cream?”

(Glancing at both of their ice creams, I realize that the problem was their fault, because they just took each other’s ice cream.)

Me: “Yeah, complicated…”

(I walked out back and looked at them on the security camera, until they realized they were the idiots, and left.)

(A teen girl walks through security and collects her belongings.)

Teen: “Excuse me sir, what did you do with my purse?”

Worker: “I’m sure it came through ma’am, just look around for it.”

Teen, in a condescending tone: “Sir, I would appreciate it if you would find my purse that went through YOUR machine that YOU lost. Thats your job you know, now reach up in the machine and feel around for it.”

Worker #2: “Umm, your purse is on your arm.”

Teen: “Oh…” *walks away*

(A customer is looking at a laptop. I approach to help.)

Me: “That’s a really great computer.”

Customer: “I don’t need a computer. I need wireless internet.”

Me: “Alright, how much range do you need cover?”

Customer, dead serious: “From here to Santa Monica.”

(Note: This is about a distance of ten miles.)

Me: “Alright, let’s start over. This time I’ll be from the future.”

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah I’d like a pound of cajun chicken.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir but we don’t carry cajun chicken, would you like some buffalo chicken in substitute?”

Customer: “Which cajun chicken do you have?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir but we don’t serve cajun chicken.”

(My night manager is standing next to me. This guy goes on three more times, calm as can be, demanding cajun chicken.)

Manager: “Sir…we don’t…would you like the santa fe chicken?”

Customer: “I’d like the cajun chicken, where is your cajun chicken?”

Me: *palmface*

Manager: *slices santa fe chicken and wishes him a nice day*

(We are a prepay station. A little old lady walks in.)

Lady: “So what, I can’t get gas now because so many idiots drive off? What kind of world do we live in that a Christian doesn’t get treated right?”

Me: “… I’m sorry, Ma’am, we lost over 75,000 gallons of gas last year due to drive offs.”

Lady: “This is just stupid. Why don’t you just turn the d*** pump on? I’m filling up, I don’t know how much it’s going to take.”

Me: “Ma’am, you can either leave your keys, a credit card, or an ID, and I’ll be more than happy to turn the pump on.”

(The lady hands me a $20 bill.)

Me: “Alright, I’ll just prepay this 20, and it’ll shut off for you when it hits 20.”

Lady: “No no no. That’s my down-payment. Turn the pump on and I’ll come pay the rest.”

(I sigh and turn the pump on, I’m really not supposed to, but at least I’ll have some money to put towards it if she drives away. The lady goes out and pumps her gas, comes back in to pay.)

Lady: “One day, the Lord is going to come down and smite everybody who doesn’t respect the Christians who live by the rules.”

Man behind her: “I’m going to be a good Atheist and prepay my gas. $15 on pump 3, please and thank you.”

(To provide some context, we have a display for Guitar Hero 3 set up which, among other things, has a playable guitar, a big huge sign that says GUITAR HERO 3, and a display “case” that has the guitar from the game and the game set up to look real pretty.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m not sure what my son wanted, it was something 3…Hylo…”

Me: “Halo 3?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s it! Do you have that?”

Me: “Sure, it’s just in the back, let me go grab a copy.”

(After I go in the back and grab a copy…)

Customer: “Wait a minute, where’s the guitar? I want the one with the guitar.”

Me: “Uh… oh, you must’ve been looking for Guitar Hero 3! I don’t have the one bundled with the guitar right now, but if you already have the guitar you can buy just the game.”

Customer: “No, you do, it’s over here!”

Me: “Oh, really? Where’d you see it?”

(This is Christmas season; things can magically appear from nowhere at a moment’s notice, so I’m not surprised she said that. I follow the customer over, and she points to that clear display I mentioned earlier.)

Customer: “See? You DO have the guitar.”

Me: “No ma’am, that’s just our display just to show you what comes with the box when we have it.”

Customer: “But… I see the game, right here! It’s right here!”

Me: “No ma’am, that’s just empty. It’s just all there to look nice.”

Customer, flustered: “What’s the difference between Halo 3 and Guitar Hero 3, exactly?”

Me, stammering: “Uh… in Halo 3, you shoot aliens, and in Guitar Hero 3, you play rock music.”

Customer: “Oh, he’d want Halo 3, then.”

Me: “Okay, let me go and get that copy for you I left in the back.”

(After grabbing it…)

Customer: “Where’s the guitar?”

(At this point, to spare the readers, I went through the ENTIRE conversation again.)

Customer: “But someone on the phone told us you had the Halo 3 Special Edition.”

Me: “Yes, we do, that’s this in my ha–”

Customer: “So why aren’t you selling it to me? I want it with the guitar.”

Me, stifling laughter: “Ma’am, look, I can’t really say it any clearer. We have Halo 3. Halo 3 is not played with a guitar. We do NOT have Guitar Hero 3. Guitar Hero 3 is played with a guitar.”

Customer: “Oh for god’s sake. We drive all the way here and you people don’t even know what the **** you’re talking about. I’m going to Best Buy.”

Me: “You do that, ma’am. Have a nice day!”

(Takes place over phone.)

Me: “Nutrition, this is–”

Patient: “Yeah, I don’t want beef stew. I want something different. My nurse said I’m on a regular diet and can have anything I want.”

Me: “Alright, do you know what you would like?”

Patient: “I want two Pepsis; chicken strips with ranch, and honey mustard; a baked potato with sour cream, butter, and bacon bits; another apple crisp, but I want you guys to heat it up and serve it with ice cream; and a Caesar salad.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only things on your list that we have tonight are the baked potatoes and apple crisp. We also have–”

Patient: “THEY SAID I COULD HAVE ANYTHING!”

Me: “That we have in the kitchen!”

Patient: “Oh.”

(We wanted to avoid common questions, so we made a massive wooden ice cream cone and put it up on the counter to display the number of scoops possible, and the price at each level. This thing was like 4 feet high, each scoops with a diameter of at least 1 foot.)

Woman: “Hi, how much is one scoop?”

Coworker: “Oh, right here…” *points to sign*

Woman: “JESUS! Those are huge! How could anyone eat that much?”

Coworker: “…”

(I ran into the back, almost in tears from laughing.)

Me: “Hi there ma’am, what can I get for you today?”

Customer, with her young son: “Yeah, could I have a piece of that bologna so my son can taste it?”

Me: “Sure, would you like to try it too?”

Customer: “Oh no thanks. I just want to see if my son is allergic.”

Me: “…”

(At the front bar of a certain coffee shop, as I’m In the middle of making a caramel macchiato.)

Old, angry, hovering Customer: “What are you doing? I didn’t ask for caramel, I’m allergic! Are you trying to kill me?? I had to wait in line all this time and I can’t get a **** coffee made right!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a caramel macchiato. I’m sure this isn’t your drink; what did you have today?”

Customer: “I had a latte. I’ve been waiting 10 minutes!”

Me: “Ma’am, theres a latte right here on the counter right next to your handbag.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me? I’m late for my movie!”

Me: “Ma’am, I called the drink out three times, you were standing there the whole time.”

Customer: “You should have called louder!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I was practically yelling, I figured it was loud enough. Well there you are, have a nice day.”

Customer: “YOU MADE ME LATE FOR MY ****** MOVIE!”

Another customer: “You get the most evil people here don’t you?”

Me: “LA’s finest, here’s your macchiato. Have a nice evening.”