(I hostess at an upscale restaurant in a very nice part of town. I get a call like this about once a night on weekends, which are super busy.)

Customer: “Can I get a reservation for four at 7 tonight for Dr. xxx?”

Me: “I’m very sorry sir, we’re booked solid from 6 to 10. I can get you a reservation for tomorrow night if you’re interested.”

Customer: “But I’m a doctor.”

Customer: “Do you have burrito wrappers?”

Me: “Do you mean tortillas?”

Customer: “Well I guess you could call them that.”

(I was working for a call center that exclusively dealt with UPS)

Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

Client: “I need to track a package.”

Me: “I would be happy to help you with that. Do you have a tracking number?”.

Client: “Yes, I do…” *proceeds to read off the tracking number*

Me: “I’m sorry, however that’s not coming up as a valid tracking number…there doesn’t appear to be enough numbers. Could you read it to me again?”

(The client gives me the number again, to no avail. I spend the next few minutes attempting to use what information was available to try and locate the package…with the client coming close to tears when I am unsuccessful. Finally, her boyfriend comes on the line, proceeds to yell at and berate me, using all sorts of expletives; due to my inability to find this package.)

Client’s boyfriend: “Look, I can’t understand why you cannot locate this package. I mean, I have the tracking number. It says right here, FEDEX TRACKING NUMBER!!!”

*pause*

Client’s boyfriend: *sheepishly* “This is UPS, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yep. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

*click*

User: “My computer’s not working properly–it stopped working when you were up here doing whatever you were doing, so you need to fix it.”

Tech support engineer: “I was upstairs writing down names. I wrote your name on a post it note. I’m not sure how that broke your computer.”

Customer: “What size is this rug?”

Me, reading label: “54″ x 72″.”

Customer: “So how big is that?”

Me: “In centimetres? It’s…”

Customer: “No, in inches.”

Me: “It’s 54 inches x 72 inches.”

Customer: “OK. And what colour is it?”

Me: “Lilac.”

Customer: “Right…and would it look good in my lounge?”

Me: “I don’t know…I’ve never seen your lounge.”

Customer: “No, I guess you haven’t. Do you think I have room for it?”

Me: ?@#!