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    Archive for 2007

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    Ba Dum Dum *Chhh*

    | Sacramento, CA | Uncategorized

    (Customer standing on top of an old, oak library ladder)

    Bookstore Customer: “If I was your attorney, I would make you get rid of this ladder.”

    Me: “If you were my attorney, I’d push you off it!”


    Lesson 1: How To Scam A Scammer

    | Unknown Location | Top

    Pizza Delivery Customer: “I want this pizza for free.”

    Me: “No cash, no pizza. I don’t care if you don’t eat or not.”

    Pizza Delivery Customer: “Well, I know the owner of *** Pizza!!!”

    Me: “Really, how do you know me?”

    (Customer puts his hand and his pocket and pays for the pizza)

    (Note: I’m not really the owner of *** Pizza)

    He Who Warps The Fabric Of Space

    | Philadelphia, PA | Uncategorized

    Customer at a Bookstore in Philadelphia: “I‚Äôm looking for the Boston Zagat Restaurant guide, do you have a local interest section that would have it?”

    Me: “No. Boston isn‚Äôt local. The restaurant guide would be with the rest of the Boston travel books.”

    Customer: “Well there aren‚Äôt any on the shelf.”

    Me: “We must be out of stock. I could order it for you.”

    Customer: “No. Well are there any local stores around here that would have it?”

    Me: “Boston is not local. Maybe you should wait until you go to Boston and buy it there.”

    Customer: “Good idea.”


    Arr, Matey! I Be Wanting Ye Gold Doubloons!

    | Irvine, CA | Top

    Me: “Welcome to xxx Bank, what can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “Do you guys sell gold here?”

    Me: “Well, our Financial Advisor can take care of all your commodity trades. Let me introduce…”

    Customer: “No, I mean do you SELL gold here?”

    Me: “Um… what do you mean exactly?”

    Customer: “Can I buy gold?”

    Me: “As in… a brick of gold?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want to buy a couple of bricks.”

    Me: “Um… no.. I believe they stopped doing that in the 1920s.”

    Customer: “Well you SHOULD!”

    Me: “… Okay.”

    The Lady Doth Go For Broke, Methinks

    | Cold Spring, KY | Uncategorized

    (A lady enters the store and gives me a raincheck that expired long ago)

    Me: “Um, ma’am, this raincheck expired 90 days after you received it.”

    Customer: “It doesn’t say that.”

    (I point to where it does, in fact, say that)

    Customer: (completely seriously) “That wasn’t there before.”

    (I hand the raincheck back)

    Me: “Would you still like to buy this product?”

    Customer: “Yes, I have this raincheck for buy one get one free.”

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