Hotel Guest: “Do you have rooms available on Monday?”

Me: “What date?”

Guest: “Monday!”

Me: “No, what date?”

Guest: *in an, aren’t you f****** psychic tone* “Jeez, the 11th.”

Me: “Of what month?”

Guest: “MONDAY!”

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Lady: *looking at a coat* “Oh, I don’t know if I can afford it!”

Lady’s Mother: “You’ll have to sell your body on the street to pay for it, hun.”

Customer: *on the telephone* “Could you speak up, please? I’m deaf in one ear…”

Customer: “You’ll have to speak up, love. I’m in a wheelchair!”

Pizza Customer: “I ordered a pizza: half pepperoni, half sausage… and half plain.”

Me: “Lady, there are only two halves in a whole.”

Pizza Customer: “I know there are only two halves in a whole! I’m a lawyer; this treatment is unfair and I demand satisfaction!”