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    Archive for 2007

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    You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

    | Tennessee |

    (A local officer picked this woman up off the street for Public Intoxication. He brought her to the jail to be booked in.)

    Me: “Ma’am please move over to the counter.”

    Her: “I don’t want to order anything, I’m not hungry.”

    Me: “Ma’am I need to remove the handcuffs and search you.”

    Her: “I don’t own any handcuffs.”

    Me: “Ma’am do you know where you are?”

    Her: “Yeah, at the store but I don’t like what you have done with it.”

    Me: “Ma’am how much have you had to drink tonight?”

    Her: “OH I don’t drink, I’m a dietitian!”

    Me: *furrows eyebrows* “Do you mean diabetic?”

    Her: “Whatever I doesn’t … er … didn’t drink anything but some Orange Juice … the bottle is in my purse.”

    (I open her purse and find not only the bottle with OJ in it but an empty bottle of Vodka. The OJ in the bottle was almost see through she had so much Vodka in it.)

    Four Words: Bow, Chicka, Bow and Bow

    , | USA | Top

    (Working as a manager for a retail electronics business, I have a customer come in with a DVD player in a box, opened)

    Customer: “This DVD player doesn’t work. It won’t play my DVDs. Can I get an exchange?”

    Me: “Well, lets see if we can get it to work.”

    (I take the DVD player over to the AV wall and quickly hook it up to our system. Under 30 seconds to do so, the customer in tow)

    Me: “Oh, here’s the problem. It seems that the disc somehow ended up upside down in the DVD player.”

    (I flip the DVD over without even looking at the disc or anything and push it back in, turning back to the customer)

    Customer: “Oh great! I knew something wasn’t quite ri…”

    (Suddenly, coming up on all my TVs, blaring through the sound system that is usually playing a music DVD, comes blasting ‘Bow Chicka-Bow Bow!’ and a rather grotesque scene of cheesy porn. I think it is the fastest I have ever moved, because by the time the first customer turned around to see what was going on, I had the AV cables yanked)

    Customer: “Uh… That’s where that went! Heh…” *VERY sheepish look*

    Me: “Okay, all fixed. Need me to help put this back in the box for you?”

    Customer: “No, thanks. I can do it. Thank you for all your help.”

    (I guess I wasn’t quick enough or just the sheer recognition of the music line, because I had two customers laughing very hard and one old lady who walked out very fast)

    Hopeless

    | Perth, Australia |

    (A customer comes up behind my counter just as I am about to serve another customer)

    Customer: “Excuse me, but why isn’t this WA Salvage?”

    Me: “Because all the WA Salvages closed down and we bought the building.”

    Customer: “So where’s the nearest one?”

    Me: “Uh, they’ve all been bought out.”

    The customer I was serving: “Mate, there aren’t anymore, they all closed down!”

    Customer: “So wheres the nearest one?”

    *I give him a bad look, turn around and continue serving*

    Pissing Against The Wind Is An Art Form

    | Columbus, OH |

    Male Customer: “Two for American Gangster…we have 2 free passes.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that movie just opened today and it isn’t currently accepting passes. To use these I’ll have to charge you $1.50 upgrade per ticket.”

    Male Customer: “That’s ridiculous. It doesn’t say that anywhere on it.”

    Me: *pointing to where it says that* “I’m sorry sir but it does. I’ll have to charge you the $3.”

    Female Customer: “But we came early so we knew you wouldn’t sell out! Why can’t you just give it to us?”

    Me: “I’m sorry but its a corporate policy. I cannot give anyone a free pass to this movie, not even employees. It’s not even an option on the computer.”

    Male Customer: *mumbles under his breath while he reaches for his wallet*

    Female Customer: “We shouldn’t have to pay $3 to see the movie! If there’s more than 25 people in there I’m going to report you to a manager!”

    Time To Stuff Someone’s Mailbox w/Flat Lids

    , | California | Top

    Customer, upon receiving her Moolatte: “This has a round lid, can I have a flat lid?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the only lid that fits that cup is a dome lid.”

    Customer: “But I want a flat lid, Starbucks always gets me a flat lid! Why can’t you?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the flat lids we have won’t fit that cup.”

    Customer: “I want to speak with your manager.” *mutters* “Stupid kids…”

    (I go and get my manager)

    Manager: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “This stupid employee of yours won’t give me a flat lid!” *brandishes the drink in his face*

    (My manager takes one of every single lid in the store and puts them in front of her)

    Manager: “Go ahead then.”

    Customer: *proceeds to try and put the lids on the cup, none of which fit* “This is ridiculous! Why don’t you have a flat lid?! Starbucks always has a flat lid!!”

    Manager: “Then go buy your drinks there and leave my employees alone.”

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