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    Archive for 2007

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    Yet Bats Drink Blood And Dogs Eat Poop

    , | Studio City, CA |

    Me: “Would you like half and half?”

    Hippy Woman: “Oh no! Soy please. Humans aren’t supposed to drink milk you know. Haven’t you noticed we’re the only species that drinks the milk of another species?”

    How Do These People Remember How To Breathe?

    , | Rockford, IL |

    (Older lady comes in, doesn’t know me, yet decides to make me intimately knowledgeable about her husband’s surgery; she eventually runs out of steam when I don’t respond and looks around at the books on the shelves)

    Lady: “I like books.”

    Me: “Good! Anything you’re looking for?”

    Lady: *ignores my question* “I saw on TV that books are good to have because they make your house look nice.”

    Me: *barely stifling a smile* “Really? I heard they’re also good to read.”

    Lady: (Evidently, my comment goes right over her) “And you can use them to prop up the bed.”

    (Her husband buys books, and then swiftly escorts her out)

    It’s Not My Fault, Even Though It Is

    | USA | Top

    Lady: “Hi, I was wondering if I could return some rotten milk? Or get it replaced, or a refund or something.”

    Me: “Well, when did you buy it?”

    Lady: “A week ago.”

    Me: “Okay, when did it expire?”

    Lady: “Yesterday.”

    Me: “So, you bought it before the expiration date, then it expired. Correct?”

    Lady: “Um, yeah, I guess so…”

    Me: “We can’t return that, then.”

    Lady: “WHAT THE *%!*?! ARE YOU *%!*ING KIDDING ME?!”

    Me: “Are you serious? You bought it before it expired, kept it until AFTER it expired, and now want to return it?”

    Lady: “WELL YOU HAVE A NICE *%!*ING DAY.”

    Me: “You too, ma’am.”

    Source

    Casting An Extra Super Duper Ginormously Wide Net

    , | Wisconsin, USA |

    Me, on the phone: “Thank you for calling Hollister, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a specific shirt, I was wondering if you have it?”

    Me: “Ok, can you describe it?”

    Customer: “Well it’s blue, and it says “Hollister’ on it.”

    Me: “Riiiiiiigghhht.”

    When Nomenclature Goes Amok

    | USA | Top

    Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”

    Customer: “That’s why I hate this ‘Windows’–because of the icons–I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”

    Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to-”

    Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘industry terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”

    Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet…it’s a ‘little picture’, okay?”

    Customer: *hangs up*


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