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    Archive for 2007

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    Flight Of The Vagaries

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA |

    Lady: “I’m looking for a book; I don’t remember the name, but it has a green cover.”

    Me: *pointing to shelf* “All of our green books are over there.”

    Please, Tell Me About Myself

    , | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer (holding aloft pen): “How long will this pen last?”

    Me: “Depends how often you use it.”

    Customer: “How often is that?”

    (I really didn’t know what to say)

    Freak Out At The Check Out

    | Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada |

    Me: “And how would you like to pay for that today?”

    Customer: “Debit.”

    Me: “Okay, the stripe faces me.”

    (She swipes card with the stripe facing her; tries again)

    Customer: “Sh*t. Sh*t!!”

    (The register times out)

    Me: “Hold on; okay, try again. Stripe goes toward me.”

    (She finally swipes the card successfully)

    Customer: “Where’s the ‘OK’ button?” *pushes the green sticker below the ‘OK’ button*

    Me: “It’s the green button.”

    (She figures out how to press the button, but then incorrectly types her pin number)

    Customer: “Oh God! Oh God, oh my God! SH*T!”

    Bitter Racism, Please Meet Sweet Irony

    | Louisiana, USA |

    *Customers runs in frantically*

    Customer: “How much is y’all’s gas?”

    Me: “It’s posted outside, $2.78 a gallon.”

    Customer: “DAMN SAND NI**ERS ALWAYS HIKING UP GAS! I’M GOING DOWN THE STREET!”

    *returns 10 minutes later*

    Customer: “Let me get 10 on pump 3.”

    911 Grab Bag: Define “Emergency”

    , | West Virginia, USA |

    (The following quotes are from various phone calls made to a West Virginia 911 line)

    1. “What are the Daily Pick Four lottery numbers?”

    2. “My TV is out.”

    3. “How much snow/rain are we supposed to get?”

    4. “Is it illegal to tape a cat to a bottle rocket?”

    5. “I want to report a fraud. The government is lying to us all.”

    6. “How high are gas prices going to get?”

    7. “Why am I getting Error Message #781 on my computer screen?”

    8. “I have never roasted a turkey before and my inlaws will be here in an hour.”

    9. “I am reading this recipe. What is fennel?”

    10. “I am doing my homework. What is the square root of 435?”

    11. “Are crabs in season?”

    12. “I wanna talk to a cop about my child support if you can drag one away from the donut shop.”

    13. “I just wanted to make sure you were all awake.”


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