Winemaker: “…as you taste this pinot you might notice flavors like cherry, vanilla, and roasted meat.”

Taster: “Wow, yeah! That’s amazing. Do you put all that stuff right in the barrels?”

Winemaker: “Ummm…no. Wine is only the fermented juice of the grapes. Those flavors come from the soil…”

Taster: “Oh I see. So you bury it all around the plants.”

Taster’s Girlfriend: “Honey, we should go.”

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(A coworker is bagging groceries as I ring them up)

Customer: *to my coworker* “Wait! Don’t pack them like that! Honestly, it’s as if no one understands how to pack bags anymore!”

Coworker: *looking down at a loaf of bread on top of some grapefruits in a paper bag* “How do you want them packed?”

Customer: “Clearly the bread needs to go on the bottom! I don’t want the grapefruits to get damaged; they’re fragile!”

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Me: “Welcome to [Ice Cream Store]. What can I get you?”

Customer: “I’d like a twist on a sugar cone.”

Me: “I’m sorry we can only put soft serve on a wafer cone. Is that all right?”

Customer: “Yeah that’s fine.”

(She pays, and I give her the ice cream)

Customer: “What is this?!”

Me: “Your order, ma’am.”

Customer: “I ordered a sugar cone!” *throws her ice cream on the floor* “I demand my money back!”

Me: “If you want another ice cream I’ll give you one for free, just as long as you don’t throw another tantrum.”

Customer: *strangely calm* “Thank you.”

(Customer runs in frantically.)

Customer: “How much is y’all’s gas?”

Me: “It’s posted outside, $2.78 a gallon.”

Customer: “D*** SAND NI**ERS ALWAYS HIKING UP GAS! I’M GOING DOWN THE STREET!”

(Returns ten minutes later.)

Customer: “Let me get ten on pump three.”

(The following quotes are from various phone calls made to a West Virginia 911 line.)

1. “What are the Daily Pick Four lottery numbers?”

2. “My TV is out.”

3. “How much snow/rain are we supposed to get?”

4. “Is it illegal to tape a cat to a bottle rocket?”

5. “I want to report a fraud. The government is lying to us all.”

6. “How high are gas prices going to get?”

7. “Why am I getting Error Message #781 on my computer screen?”

8. “I have never roasted a turkey before and my in-laws will be here in an hour.”

9. “I am reading this recipe. What is fennel?”

10. “I am doing my homework. What is the square root of 435?”

11. “Are crabs in season?”

12. “I wanna talk to a cop about my child support, if you can drag one away from the donut shop.”

13. “I just wanted to make sure you were all awake.”

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