Customer: “What kind of nut is in the pistachio?”

Me: “…you can’t be serious.”

Customer: “No, really, what kind of nut is in the pistachio?”

Me: “Pistachio.”

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Client: “Hi! I need a website…”

Me: “Okay. Well, to start, tell me a little about what exactly you are looking for.”

Client: “Nothing big…just 2-4 pages with my company’s info, and our phone number. It wont need to be updated. I just need a basic web page. I just opened a dog grooming business, and I feel we need a site.”

Me: “Okay, well I would be glad to help you out…”

Client: *interrupts* “One catch though. My friend told me that I need to get on Google.”

Me: “Yes, we offer Search Engine Optimization…” *explains SEO* “…and generally your page will be indexed within about a month.”

Client: “No, I need my site to be on Google immediately! I want to be able to type in ‘Dog Grooming’ and have it be the first listing on Google. I need the site in about 4 days, and it has to be on Google by then also.”

Me: “I’m afraid thats impossible. Besides, you’re a local dog groomer, in NY, you don’t need people to from California to be able to find you. No offense but it’s not like people are going to fly across the country to have you cut their dog’s hair.”

Client: “I guess you’re right. Okay, well then lets go with ‘local dog grooming’ instead. How much do you charge for your services?”

Me: “Well ma’am, I’m afraid it’s going to be impossible to get your site built in 4 days and have it listed, by then, as the number 1 result on the largest search engine, for a term as broad as ‘Local Dog Grooming’, but we can come back to that. A ballpark quote for your site, and this is just the design and upload–this is not for the SEO you want–possibly…$250.”

Client: “That is ridiculous…I am going to just buy Dreamweaver. ”

Me: “Ma’am, just Dreamweaver alone is $399 and even then you’re going to need to learn how to use it.”

Client: “Well can you teach me?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t mean to sound rude, but I went to 4 years of school for this, and make a living doing web design. I don’t feel comfortable training you. That’s sort of like if I were to come to your establishment, and ask you if you could take your time to show me how to properly cut my dogs hair, rather than paying you to do it.”

Client: *speaking to someone else near her* “The sh*t people will tell you just to be able to steal your money!” *click*

(I work in an uppity part of town where are the e-shoppers come out of their yuppie caves to shop.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but I have a question.”

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: *points at a popular movie puzzle with a picture of a child playing with said puzzle* “Is the kid on the box part of this puzzle?”

Me: “Um…what?”

Customer: “Well, if the kid is part of the puzzle, I don’t want it. He has nothing to do with this movie.”

(At this point I turned around and walked to the back room where she couldn’t get me.)

(I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.)

Tech Support: “All right. Now click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”

Tech Support: “Yes, click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”

Tech Support: “That’s right. Click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “So I click ‘OK’, right?”

Tech Support: “Right. Click ‘OK’.”

(Pause.)

Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”

Tech Support: “YOU CLICKED ‘CANCEL’???”

Customer: “That’s what I was supposed to do, right?”

Tech Support: “No, you were supposed to click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “I thought you said to click ‘Cancel’.”

Tech Support: “NO. I said to click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Tech Support: “Now we have to start over.”

Customer: “Why?”

Tech Support: “Because you clicked ‘Cancel’.”

Customer: “Wasn’t I supposed to click ‘Cancel’?”

Tech Support: “No. Forget that. Let’s start from the top.”

Customer: “Ok.”

(I spend the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady’s unique computer.)

Tech Support: “All right. Now, are you ready to click ‘OK’?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Tech Support: “Great. Now click ‘OK’.”

(Pause.)

Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”

(And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled “BANG HEAD HERE.”)

Source

Me: “Okay sir, can you hear me?”

Pilot: “Loud and clear. Okay, I have a problem with my radar…it won’t test and nothing is coming up in the O-F-F position.”

Me: “Well, sir, turn it to the O-N position and let me know how things work out.”

(I work at a small, independent coffee shop. You will be surprised how often things like this happen.)

Customer: “Do you sell alcohol?”

Me: “No, we only sell coffee.”

Customer: “But it says shots on the menu.”

Me: “Espresso shots.”

Customer: “What kind of liquor is that?”

(Mexican restaurant; the pico de gallo salsa is the same as mild)

Lady: “I’ll have the pico de gallo and the mild.”

Me: “Oh, well, they’re the same thing.”

Lady: “…But I want both.”

Me: “O…K…” *scoops pico de gallo* “…there’s the pico, and…” *adds another scoop* “…there’s the mild.”

(One customer complains about a game that is not giving tickets. Upon looking at the game, I discover that a fuse is blown. I place several “Out of Order” stickers over the coin slot and refund the customer. Two minutes later another customer approaches.)

Customer: “I just put a coin in this game and won tickets but none came out.”

Me: “I placed an ‘Out of Order’ sticker on the coin slot. Is it not on there anymore?”

Customer: “You mean these? They were in the way so I removed them. Can I get a refund?”

Caller: “Hello, I’d like some help!”

Me: “Sure sir, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Well, actually I don’t have an account yet. I was wondering if I could talk or send messages to my daughter. She’s in Australia and she has an internet account.”

Me: “Yes sir, that’s possible!”

Caller: “What do I need to do that?”

Me: “You just need a computer and a modem.”

Caller: “Hey, but just have a FAX machine and a TV! Isn’t that enough?”

Me: *controlling the urge to burst in laughter* “I’m afraid not, sir. You’ll need a computer for sure.”

Caller: “YOU KNOW WHAT? You guys don’t wanna help me! I know your types! You just want the fat, rich customers that will buy anything you demand! You know what? You’re not the only ISP in town! Goodbye!” *click*

Source

(Customer calls in to a call center and states that he can’t connect to his internet. After about 20 minutes of trying to get the customer to troubleshoot, none of which he can manage to do. The rep figures the cable is simply disconnected, but since the customer can’t troubleshoot they come up with a clever way to fix the problem)

Rep : “Sir, can you unplug that big phone cord looking cable from the box with blinking lights and your main computer box and hold both ends in your hands for me?”

Customer : “Yeah, hold on.” *shuffles around* “Well that was easy. Got it.”

Rep : “Ok, what I need you to do is swing one end of that around above your head as hard as you can. Sometimes bad packets get stuck in the end, making it impossible to connect to the internet.”

Customer : “Alright! One second.” *whooshing in the background* “… Ok, done, Now what?”

Rep : “Ok, now plug it back in to the back of the blinking lights box and the main computer box and let me know when you have done that.”

Customer : “Wow! That really worked! Thanks!” *click*