Customer: “I’ll get an espresso.”

(after receiving the espresso)

Customer: “I’m not paying $2.50 for this…fill up the cup!”

Me: “Sir, you will literally die…”

(Early 1970′s. I make a key for a guy who lost car keys in the mall parking lot.)

Me: “Well, that will be $10.00 for the key and labor but another key will be only 79 cents.”

Customer: “Ah, no man, I need my money to get my weed.”

(A week later, same deal. I have to go out in the rain and make the same guy another key.)

Me: “Well I’m sure that now you will get an extra key?”

Customer: “Ah, no man, I need my money to get my weed.”

(Well I can spot a trend, so I make another key anyway and hang it up in the shop.)

(I guess the weed finally got him.)

(This conversation between a Returns Employee and a customer was overheard by me and others.)

Employee: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like to return this.” (Heaves a large propane tank, the kind used for barbecue grills onto the counter.)

Employee: “Why?”

Customer: “It’s leaking.”

(At this point me, 4 managers, the employee, 2 other customers, and 3 other employees all within earshot, slowly turn their heads towards the leaking tank careful not to make any sudden movements.)

Me: “Congratulations! Because you’ve spent over $30 on our beauty products you can receive a complimentary tote bag. Would you like it in black or brown?”

Customer: “What’s a tote bag?”

Me: (holds up bag) “It’s a bag. Rather large…you can put things in it…it comes in black or brown.”

Customer: “Oh well, that’s nifty isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes it is ma’am. Would you like it in black or brown?”

Customer: “How much does that cost?”

Me: “Normally, $14.99 but yours is complimentary because you spent over $30 on beauty products.”

Customer: “Oh, well I wouldn’t pay $15 on that!”

Me: “You don’t have to pay for it.”

Customer: “Why not?”

(Other customers are beginning to become aggravated by this woman’s stupidity so I call up Ashley, another cashier.)

Me: “…because it’s complimentary.”

Customer: “Oh, why’d you call up Ashley?”

Me: “Because the other customers are waiting.”

Customer: “Waiting for what?”

Me: “Waiting to pay for their items. Now would you like your free bag or not?”

Customer: “I don’t like your tone, young lady!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. I’m just a little late for my break. Now, would you like your FREE tote bag?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s free?”

(This exchange went on for about ten more minutes, as the woman had to go through about five different cards until she found one she could use…making me fifteen minutes late for my fifteen minute break. Rest assured, she eventually learned the meaning of complimentary.)

(At a library, completely surrounded by books…)

Me: “Hi, how can I help?”

College Student: “Where are the books that you can, like, read?”

Me: ????

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I wanna know if you have any Y’s (pronounced “why”) in stock?”

Me: “Y’s? I don’t know what that is.”

Customer: “The Y’s! You know, the Y’s!”

Me: “You mean the Wii?”

Customer: “Yea, whatever.”

(On Black Friday…when EVERYTHING is on sale.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: “Hey, can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to know what’s on sale today.”

Me: “Well, it depends on what system. You see, the DS only has three games on sale, while the XBOX has about 10. Not to mention, almost every console is running some sort of deal.”

Customer: “No, I meant the secret sales.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “The stuff in the catalog.”

Me: “Oh, that’s all posted.”

Customer, suddenly angry: “It better not be!”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “Because I looked online for those sales.”

Me: “What’s your point?”

Customer: “Because I wouldn’t have done that if I’d known it was public!”

Me: “The point of a sale is to make it public.”

Customer: “GET ME YOUR MANAGER YOU A**HOLE!”

Me: “Is she your biological child?”

Customer: “No, no, she’s natural–no scientific stuff.”