Help Desk | Texas, USA
(Yet another power cord/paint dispenser story…)
Me: “Okay, it’s not plugged in.”
Him: “It’s plugged in–it goes right to the back of the computer!”
Me: “No, that’s a serial cable, not a power cable.”
Him: “What’s this orange one then?”
Me: “That connects the computer to the network. It’s also not a power cable and doesn’t connect to the dispenser anyway. The one for the dispenser is black and has a three-prong plug on the end.”
Him: “Listen to me, young lady, I have been on this earth for 56 years and I know what a power cord looks like!”
Me: “Yes, well, I’ve been on this earth 34 years and I know that some things have to be plugged into an outlet to work.”
Him: …
Me: …
Him: “Oh. There it is. Okay, it’s working now. Thanks.”
Pizza | Portland, OR, USA
Me: “Welcome to *** Pizza, how can I help you?”
Customer (sincerely): “Do you have any Chinese food?”
Me: “Errr…no.”
Customer (still earnest): “Ohhh…really? What about Thai food?”
Me: “Oh! Yes.”
Customer: “Really?”
Me: “No. Not really. Just pizza.”
Real Estate | Milwaukee, WI, USA
(My boss is a realtor; she has sign toppers for various occasions. This one happened to be for the Christmas season: “Home for the Holidays”.)
Customer: “I’m calling about the ‘Home for the Holidays’ house.”
Me: “Sure, what’s the address?”
(She reads it to me.)
Me: “Okay, how can I help you?”
Customer: “When can I move in?”
Me: “Excuse me? I’m sorry–do you mean you want to write an offer for the house?”
Customer: “No, it says ‘Home for the Holidays.’ I want to move in before Christmas.”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We’re not giving the house away, we’re selling it.”
Customer: “Well I can’t afford a house!” *click*
toy store | Florence, KY, USA
(This is after we’re all done with our transaction. I’m half-Jewish, so I celebrate Hanukkah, which was currently going on.)
Me: “Have a great day, ma’am.”
Customer: “Merry Christmas!”
Me, completely sincere: “And Happy Hanukkah to you!”
Customer: *flails her arms and screams happily* “No it’s about Jesus! It’s Jesus’s birthday! You have to worship Jesus! It’s all about Jesus! Love Jesus!”
Related:
When Generations Collide
RetailToy Store | Denton, TX, USA
*customer hands over a tree skirt for her Christmas tree*
Customer: “Thats all! And I have a coupon…”
Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but it appears that the tree skirt is already on sale, so you can’t use the coupon.”
Customer: “Really? It doesn’t say anywhere that it’s on sale.”
Me: “Well, the ad that the coupon comes in also says that ‘All Christmas decorations’ are on sale for 30% off. Your coupon is for 40% off, so its not that big of a difference. It says on the coupon that you cannot use it on sale items…”
Customer: “Can’t you just give me the regular price and discount it with the coupon?”
Me: “Ma’am, you’re only losing out on…6 dollars. I really don’t want to lose my job over your 6 dollars.”
Customer: “I BELIEVE I’M BEING CHEATED! I’M NEVER SHOPPING AT THIS ESTABLISHMENT AGAIN!”
*customer comes back 2 hours later to buy the exact same tree skirt*
Home Furnishings | Austin, TX, USA
Me: “Okay, and if you could just sign the top line of this receipt copy for the return, you’ll be all set.”
Customer: “Wait, this isn’t my correct address. This address printed on this receipt is not mine.”
Me: “Yes ma’am, I realize that. However, our cash registers make us enter address and telephone information whenever anyone does a return or exchange. It’s for fraud prevention, etc. However, whenever I request a customer’s address, they panic, clutch their purse to their chest and hiss, ‘Why would you need to know that?’ Or they shout, ‘I’m not getting on any more god damn mailing lists!’ or they are conspiracy theorists who are convinced that I’m an agent of the government monitoring their spending habits through my DOS-based cash register. Or they think I want to come and hang out with them after I get off work. And it really doesn’t matter how many times I try to explain that it’s a fraud prevention requirement and that I’m neither immediately passing it on to Big Brother nor to my drug dealer named Tito. So I make up addresses because I don’t particularly want to have these conversations anymore.”
Customer, after a long pause: “Yes, that’s a very good plan you’ve come up with.” *scampers away from me*
Related:
Why Asking Why Is A Bad Idea
ISP | Kansas, USA
Customer: “I’d like to buy the Internet, please.”
Sales: “The whole thing?”
Travel Agent | Pendel, PA, USA
Customer, calling from a cell phone: “Would you tell me how to get to your office?”
Me: “Sure, where are you now?”
Customer: “That is none of your business. Just tell me how to get there.”
Me: “But to do that, I need to know where you are starting from. Are you in our town?”
Customer: “I told you that is none of your $%@# business.”
(After few more exchanges of this sort…)
Customer: “You are an idiot. Let me speak to your manager.”
Manager, who overheard part of the conversation already: “May I help you?”
Customer: “Tell me how to get to your office.”
Manager: “Well, that depends on where you are starting from.”
Customer: “&@#$#!! Just $%%@# tell me how to get there.”
Manager: “Okay. See the next corner? Turn right there.”
Customer: *click*
Related:
You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy
(Telepathic) Help Wanted
Fabric Store | New York, NY, USA
(An 80 year old woman and her husband come up to the cutting counter with a bolt of sparkly, orange, see-through fabric.)
80 year-old woman: “Three yards please.”
Me, as I am measuring: “What are you using this for?”
80 year-old woman: “I am taking a belly dancing class, and I am going to make my own outfit.”
(I stare, and the man looks everywhere but his wife.)
Electronics Store | Seattle, WA, USA
(Customer calls requesting a cable.)
Customer: “Hi. I am trying to connect my iPod to my stereo.”
Me: “Okay. Do you have a receiver, a small shelf system, or a boombox?”
Customer: “It’s a smaller stereo.”
Me: “Okay. Do you have a small plug that looks like a headphone plug that is labeled AUX, Audio IN, or anything of the sort?”
Customer: “Yes, there is a small round plug that says AUX.”
Me: “Okay, that’s easy. All you need is a 3.5mm male-to-male RCA cable.”
Customer: “Male-to-male as in boy-to-boy.”
Me, knowing what is coming next and not caring: “Yes, it is just referring to whether it is a plug or a receptor of a plug.”
Customer: “Well, you are just disgusting!”
Me: “Sorry ma’am, that is just an industry standard term.”
Customer: “That is just one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard!”
Me: “Sounds good.”
Customer: *hangs up*
(223 Thumbs Up!)
