911 Call Center | West Virginia, USA
(The following quotes are from various phone calls made to a West Virginia 911 line)
1. “What are the Daily Pick Four lottery numbers?”
2. “My TV is out.”
3. “How much snow/rain are we supposed to get?”
4. “Is it illegal to tape a cat to a bottle rocket?”
5. “I want to report a fraud. The government is lying to us all.”
6. “How high are gas prices going to get?”
7. “Why am I getting Error Message #781 on my computer screen?”
8. “I have never roasted a turkey before and my inlaws will be here in an hour.”
9. “I am reading this recipe. What is fennel?”
10. “I am doing my homework. What is the square root of 435?”
11. “Are crabs in season?”
12. “I wanna talk to a cop about my child support if you can drag one away from the donut shop.”
13. “I just wanted to make sure you were all awake.”
Grocery Store | Framingham, MA
(A coworker is bagging groceries as I ring them up)
Customer, to my bagger: “Wait! Don’t pack them like that! Honestly, it’s as if no one understands how to pack bags anymore!”
Coworker, looking down at a loaf of bread on top of some grapefruits in a paper bag: “How do you want them packed?”
Customer: “Clearly the bread needs to go on the bottom! I don’t want the grapefruits to get damaged; they’re fragile!”
Ice Cream Shop | Massachusetts, USA
Me: “Welcome to Lickety Splits. What can I get you?”
Customer: “I’d like a twist on a sugar cone.”
Me: “I’m sorry we can only put soft serve on a wafer cone. Is that all right?”
Customer: “Yeah that’s fine.”
(She pays, and I give her the ice cream)
Customer: “What is this?!”
Me: “Your order, ma’am.”
Customer: “I ordered a sugar cone!” *throws her ice cream on the floor* “I demand my money back!”
Me: “If you want another ice cream I’ll give you one for free, just as long as you don’t throw another tantrum.”
Customer: *strangely calm* “Thank you.”
Electronics Store | Unknown Location
Customer: “I want a computer where I can type in Russian and it will print in English.”
Me: “Sir, I’m afraid we don’t have Russian keyboards.”
Customer: “No, that’s fine. I’ll just tape Russian letters on.”
Me: “Sir, it will still be an English keyboard.”
Customer: “Okay, so what if I glue the letters on?”
Me: *thunk thunk thunk* “Still English.”
Zoo | USA
Little boy: “What are those?”
Zookeeper: “That’s a Cavy.”
(Note: Cavies are related to Guinea Pigs; they are rodents)
Little boy’s father: “No they’re not. They’re Jack-a-lopes. But I don’t see any antlers, so they must all be does.”
Retail | Minnesota, USA
Customer Looking at Batteries: “My friend asked me to pick her up some D batteries, but I’m not sure which ones to get.”
(Customer holds up a package with 10 D batteries in it and a package with 12 D batteries in it)
Customer: “What’s the difference between 10D and 12D? I don’t want to get the wrong ones.”
Coffee Shop | Studio City, CA
Me: “Would you like half and half?”
Hippy Woman: “Oh no! Soy please. Humans aren’t supposed to drink milk you know. Haven’t you noticed we’re the only species that drinks the milk of another species?”
Bookstore | Rockford, IL
(Older lady comes in, doesn’t know me, yet decides to make me intimately knowledgeable about her husband’s surgery; she eventually runs out of steam when I don’t respond and looks around at the books on the shelves)
Lady: “I like books.”
Me: “Good! Anything you’re looking for?”
Lady: *ignores my question* “I saw on TV that books are good to have because they make your house look nice.”
Me: *barely stifling a smile* “Really? I heard they’re also good to read.”
Lady: (Evidently, my comment goes right over her) “And you can use them to prop up the bed.”
(Her husband buys books, and then swiftly escorts her out)
Grocery Store | USA
Lady: “Hi, I was wondering if I could return some rotten milk? Or get it replaced, or a refund or something.”
Me: “Well, when did you buy it?”
Lady: “A week ago.”
Me: “Okay, when did it expire?”
Lady: “Yesterday.”
Me: “So, you bought it before the expiration date, then it expired. Correct?”
Lady: “Um, yeah, I guess so…”
Me: “We can’t return that, then.”
Lady: “WHAT THE *%!*?! ARE YOU *%!*ING KIDDING ME?!”
Me: “Are you serious? You bought it before it expired, kept it until AFTER it expired, and now want to return it?”
Lady: “WELL YOU HAVE A NICE *%!*ING DAY.”
Me: “You too, ma’am.”
Source
Clothing Store | Wisconsin, USA
Me, on the phone: “Thank you for calling Hollister, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a specific shirt, I was wondering if you have it?”
Me: “Ok, can you describe it?”
Customer: “Well it’s blue, and it says “Hollister’ on it.”
Me: “Riiiiiiigghhht.”
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