Customer: “Excuse me, how do I get up the stairs?”

Me: “If you don’t already know, I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

Me: “May I get something for you ladies to drink?”

Lady 1: “Um, yes. (to Lady 2) What are you having, dear?”

Lady 2: “I’ll have the white zinfandel.”

Lady 1: “Oh yes, I’ll have the infidel, too. Last night I had the marlo!”

Me: “Would you like regular ice or ice made from coffee?”

Customer: “What is ice made from coffee?”

Me: “It’s … ice … made from … coffee.”

Customer: *stare*

Me: “Frozen coffee?”

Customer: “Um… Why?”

Me: “Regular ice then. I’ll have that out in just a moment.”

Bookstore Customer: “Do you sell maps? You know, things with pictures of roads on them?”

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(I worked at this local market as a kid during the summers on Nantucket. Here are some questions the tourists asked.)

Random Customer #1: “Where is the beach?” (We’re on an island???)

Random Customer #2: “Where’s main street?” (The store was on main street.)

Random Customer #3: “When did Nantucket become a part of the United States?” (The same time as the rest of Massachusetts. It’s not the 51st state, people.)

Random Customer #4: “What is that one - O-RAY-oh?” (We serve ice cream; Oreo is one of our flavors).

Library Patron: “Do you guys have books?”

Me: (I turn and give a side glance to the shelves of books on my right) “Nope. It’s all online.”

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Customer: “Do you have that book from that movie Les Miserababah?”

Me: “Les Miserables? Yes it would be on the 3rd floor.”

Customer: “What section would it be in?”

Me: “The fiction section.”

Customer: “So nonfiction is true, and fiction is not true, right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “How can this book be fiction if there is a movie about it?”

Me: “Movies are not true.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “Yes. Movies are not true, movies are fiction.”

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Lady: “Yeah I just got back so I missed the big rain storm.”

Me: “Well it wasn’t too bad, where did you go? Out of town?”

Lady: “What?”

Me: “You got back from somewhere, where did you go?”

Lady: “I haven’t been anywhere.”

Me: “So you were here for the rainstorm?”

Lady: “No, I was gone.”

Me: “What size?”

Lady: “Electric Lime.”

Me: “What size?”

Lady: “Electric Lime.”

Me: “That’s a color miss. What size did you want the harness in?”

Lady: “What do you mean, ‘What size?’”

Me: “How many inches is it?”

Lady: “Oh I didn’t even think about the size.”

*grimace*

Old man: “Well, I’d like 3 slices, all meat and a Coke.”

Me: “Is Pepsi okay? We don’t serve Coke anymore.”

Old man: “WHAT?!?!?!?!? YOU DON’T SERVE COKE? ANYMORE? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?”

Me: “Well, we used to sell both brands. It was just far too expensive to keep both stocked when most people aren’t devastated by not having Coke.”

Old man: “THAT’S ABSURD! WHO DOESN’T SELL COKE! THAT’S INSANITY!”

Me: (at this point, I’m egging him on and holding back laughter) “Well…you can go next door. The convenience store probably sells Coke, but I can’t guarantee it.”

Old man: “That’s what I’ll do! You won’t get my $0.75!”

Me: “Umm…okay. I’ll have your pizza in just a minute.”

His wife: “Don’t mind him. He’s crazy.”

Old man: “Shut it! What kind of a day and age is it when you don’t sell Coke? It’s just plain un-American.”

Me: “…you know Coke cans are red. Like communism. ”

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