Me: “Hi, welcome to *****. Can I help you?”

Me: “Yes please, you sell doonoo?”

Me: “I’m sorry? Do we sell what?”

Me: *points at menu board* “You know, noots!”

Me: *looks up to where he’s pointing which is a picture of some bagels* “Bagels?”

Me: “No! Noots! Doonoots!”

(This went on for several minutes, both of us getting more and more frustrated until…)

Me: “Wait, are you saying nuts?”

Me: “Yes, yes!”

Me: “We have peanuts for our ice cream sundaes.”

Me: “No, no, no. DOOnoots!”

Me: *with a huge smile of understanding* “You mean doughnuts?!”

Me: “Yes!!”

(Keep in mind we had been working on this for a good five minutes. He now looks so excited that what I say next nearly breaks my heart.)

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t sell doughnuts.”

*phone rings*

Me: “Thank you for calling ***…”

Her: “Yes, I see in your ad this week that you have Happy Feet out.”

Me: “Yes, it’s out for the Playstation 2.”

Her: “That’s not the movie?”

Me: “No, it is not.”

Her: “When is it coming?”

Me: “It’s out in theaters right now. We have no date on when it is coming.”

Her: “Well is there anything that can show my grandkids how to do the dance?”

Me: “Not that I am aware of.”

Her: “Well I got this book for my grandkids and it shows the penguins….” *goes on for what feels like an HOUR about some book and teaching them some dance from the movie. I sorta doze on and off since her voice is very… shall I say….. monotone, flat, and boring. Finally…* “….. so the main reason why I’m calling.”

Me: (you mean to tell me all this was a SECONDARY reason why you called?) “Yes ma’am.”

Her: “Do you believe in Christ?”

Me: “Uuuhhhhh…..” *customer comes up with stackfull of DVDs* “I gotta go now. Bye.” *hangs up phone*

Source

(We have people wash their hands when they have to take out or put in contact lenses. Only one knob works for the faucet so we removed the other knob)

Customer: “How do you turn this?” *grabs at the stump where the knob was removed*

Me: “You use the other one.”

(Earlier in the day this guy called to make a reservation, even though we were totally booked. The manager decided to take it anyway. When he got to the restaurant, he proceeded to pick his own table though I had no idea he had.)

Me: “Okay sir, just follow me and I can bring you to your table.”

Customer: “But I’ve been waiting for this one.”

Me: “Well, sir, that table is still occupied however I do have an available table for you.”

Customer: “NO! I don’t want that table. I’ve been waiting for this table for 20 minutes now! Why should I go sit at that table when I’ve been waiting for this one!”

Me: “Okay. But just so you know. It’s going to be another 20 minutes before they pay and get up, if they decide to get up after paying. Even then you’d still have to wait for a busser to clear it and another one to reset it and right now they are backed up.”

Customer: “I just don’t understand why I can’t have this table.”

Me, annoyed: “And I don’t understand why you won’t sit at an open table that we have waiting for you where you can sit down and start enjoying your meal now instead of waiting another 30 minutes for THAT table to be ready for you.”

Customer: “Attitude? Are you giving me attitude? I don’t think so buddy!”

Me: “Weelll…”

(At this point the other hostesses gave me a death look to shut up so I gave up. The customers at the table he was waiting for actually did decide to camp out for another hour. By that time we sat the table we were to give him. He ended up waiting an extra hour and a half to be seated.)

(A young man from Fullerton, CA calls to get our address in Rancho Cordova, CA)

Him: “Rancho Cordova? What coast is that on?”

Me: “We are in California, just like you.”

Him: “Oh…so, East?”

(The customer was using an older copy of Windows, so I had to ask her a question about what her Explorer window looked like)

Tech Support: “Up at the top it says File, Edit, and View. What does it say just to the right of View?”

Customer: “Edit.”

Tech Support: “No, to the right of View.”

Customer: “Edit.”

Tech Support: “Okay, what’s on the other side of View?”

Customer: “Oh, Tools.”

Tech Support: “Click your left mouse button.”

Customer: “Which one is that?”

Tech Support: “Well, you know your left from your right, so click the button on your left.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Tech Support: “What happened?”

Customer: “Nothing.”

Tech Support: “You did click the left mouse button?”

Customer: “I think so.”

Tech Support: “The one on your left?”

Customer: “Which one was that again?”

Source

(I was working on the customer service desk and answered a call from a customer inquiring about a special order they had placed)

Customer: “Yes my name is ****. The name of the DVD is ‘Spring Break’.”

(I put the customer’s details into the computer, and the search results say the full name of the DVD was “Spring Break Sex Riot” which also had an…. explicit cover on it. I assumed that there must have been a mistake and the wrong title was ordered)

Me: “Um……. I think I found your order here on the system, but it hasn’t arrived in the store yet. I think there might be a mistake here–could you give me some more details about the film?”

Customer: “Ah man, you’re missing out!! You have to see it!! Its about all these hot chicks who go on spring break and have lots of sex! Its excellent!”

Me: *glad I have never been this desperate*

(Note; electronic ignition keys sell for $25 to $90)

Customer: “I want to return this key. Here is the receipt.”

(The electronic key is worn from use; the receipt is 2 years old)

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “Well, let me go out to your car and see what the problem is.”

Customer: “I sold that car.”

Me: “OK, but it looks like you’ve been using the key for a long time. It must have worked.”

Customer: “Well it did work, but I sold the car and I don’t need it anymore, so I want my money back.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry sir, but we sell keys; we do not rent them. When you sell the thing the keys fit in, you either give the keys to the new owner or toss them. And even if we did rent keys, the rent for two years would be more than the purchase cost–so actually you would owe us money.”

*customer runs out the door*

Lady: “Okay, I’m all set.”

Me: *rings the draperies she wants up* “Okay, your total is $768.xx cents.”

Lady: “What?! Aren’t they on sale??”

Me: “No, only the pleated draperies are on sale.”

Lady: “What’s the difference? Why aren’t these ones on sale too?!

Lady’s husband: “What’s going on?”

Lady, now talking to her husband: “These panels aren’t on sale!!!”

Husband: “Oh…well how much does it come up to?”

Lady: “They come out to like $800 bucks.”

Husband: “Well…what do you wanna do?”

Lady: *sigh* “There are signs EVERYWHERE saying that these are on sale.”

Me: “No, there are signs everywhere saying that the PLEATED draperies are on sale.”

Lady: “But that entire room has signs! They all say they’re 20% off.”

Me: “Well I’m sorry to say, but all the signs in that room all say, ‘SALE: All Pleated Draperies 20% Off’. Want me to show you?”

Lady: “No it’s fine…whatever.”

*I finish ringing up the transaction*

Lady, while signing her receipt: “Ugh, it’s just misleading you know? There are literally a hundred signs in that room that say that the draperies are on sale.”

Me: “Well I’m sorry, but they do specify what kind of draperies are on sale.”

Lady: “Well I don’t buy draperies every day, so I don’t pay attention to stupid details like that!!!!”

Me: “Okay, well… I hope they work out for you, have a happy holiday.”

(I am in IT for large company, with multiple locations all over the Canada. I got a call from a business unit located in another province)

Customer on the phone: “Hi. My computer is not working.”

Me: “Okay. What’s your name…”

(After 5 minutes I got all the info I needed)

Me: “I‚Äôm sorry, I cannot remotely access your computer. I‚Äôll have to inform your local IT team to come and resolve this problem. It‚Äôs 6am in your location and IT starts at 7am. They will come and fix it in an hour.”

Customer: “No. This is critical. You come and fix it.”

Me: “I‚Äôm sorry, you probably do not realize that I‚Äôm located in Ontario and you are in British Columbia. I cannot come and fix it.”

Customer: “Okay, okay. You’ll come and fix it now?”

Me: “No, there are thousands of kilometers between us. I cannot come and help you.”

Customer: “Okay, okay. Production has stopped, so you come and fix it now.”

(At this point I have big dent in my office wall exactly matching shape of my head)

Me: “Okay, Sir. I‚Äôm coming to fix it. But I don‚Äôt know you, so to make it easier for me to recognize you please stand in the middle of the production area and raise both your hands so I can find you easily.”

Customer: “Okay, Okay.”

(I received no more calls from him–he’s probably still waiting for me with his hands raised over his head)

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