(Customer standing on top of an old, oak library ladder)

Bookstore Customer: “If I was your attorney, I would make you get rid of this ladder.”

Me: “If you were my attorney, I’d push you off it!”

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Pizza Delivery Customer: “I want this pizza for free.”

Me: “No cash, no pizza. I don’t care if you don’t eat or not.”

Pizza Delivery Customer: “Well, I know the owner of *** Pizza!!!”

Me: “Really, how do you know me?”

(Customer puts his hand and his pocket and pays for the pizza)

(Note: I’m not really the owner of *** Pizza)

Customer at a Bookstore in Philadelphia: “I’m looking for the Boston Zagat Restaurant guide, do you have a local interest section that would have it?”

Me: “No. Boston isn’t local. The restaurant guide would be with the rest of the Boston travel books.”

Customer: “Well there aren’t any on the shelf.”

Me: “We must be out of stock. I could order it for you.”

Customer: “No. Well are there any local stores around here that would have it?”

Me: “Boston is not local. Maybe you should wait until you go to Boston and buy it there.”

Customer: “Good idea.”

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Me: “Welcome to xxx Bank, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “Do you guys sell gold here?”

Me: “Well, our Financial Advisor can take care of all your commodity trades. Let me introduce…”

Customer: “No, I mean do you SELL gold here?”

Me: “Um… what do you mean exactly?”

Customer: “Can I buy gold?”

Me: “As in… a brick of gold?”

Customer: “Yes, I want to buy a couple of bricks.”

Me: “Um… no.. I believe they stopped doing that in the 1920s.”

Customer: “Well you SHOULD!”

Me: “… Okay.”

(A lady enters the store and gives me a raincheck that expired long ago)

Me: “Um, ma’am, this raincheck expired 90 days after you received it.”

Customer: “It doesn’t say that.”

(I point to where it does, in fact, say that)

Customer: (completely seriously) “That wasn’t there before.”

(I hand the raincheck back)

Me: “Would you still like to buy this product?”

Customer: “Yes, I have this raincheck for buy one get one free.”

Customer at the drive-thru window: “I’d like my order to-go.”

Bookstore Customer: “You have beautiful green eyes.”

Me: “They’re blue.”

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The customer needed help adding his music into his iTunes library. I showed him how, and this is what happened:

Customer: “… Uggghhh!”

Me: “What happened?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll be honest. It’s adding my porn.”

Me: *silence* “Oh….”

Customer: “Please make it stop! I don’t want porn on my iPod!”

Me: “Click the little X near the top.”

Customer: “Okay, it stopped.”

Me: “Try adding the My Music folder again.”

Customer: “It’s doing it again! Oh God!”

Me: “Okay, uh… let’s just move it from your My Music folder to a new folder in My Documents.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll do that.”

(few seconds of silence pass while he moves the files)

Customer: “Oh, man. It’s gonna take 24 minutes for all the files to move.”

Me: “Twenty-four minutes? Are you sure?!”

Customer: “Yes, I’m sure.”

(I show him how to do some other unrelated action while the porn is moved)

Customer: “Alright, great. Now that we’re done concealing my shame….”

Sandwich Shop Worker: “Would you like mustard or mayonnaise on your sandwich?”

Customer: “Yes, please.”

(Sandwich shop worker stares)

Customer: “Oops! I mean. Um…mayonnaise.”

Sandwich Shop Worker: “How would you like to pay? Cash or credit?”

Customer: “Okay.”

(Sandwich shop worker stares some more)

Hotel Guest: “Do you have rooms available on Monday?”

Me: “What date?”

Guest: “Monday!”

Me: “No, what date?”

Guest: (In an, aren’t you f**king psychic tone) “Jeez, the 11th.”

Me: “Of what month?”

Guest: “MONDAY!”

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