Curiosity Kilt The (Peeping Tom)Cat

(I’m working mall security when a hysterical woman comes up to me. She’s making no sense, but she keeps mentioning the word ‘quilt’.)

Customer: “Quick! Quick!”

Me: “Ma’am, please calm down and tell me what’s going on.”

(The customer finally composes herself enough to form coherent sentences.)

Customer: “There’s a man walking around in a quilt with nothing underneath it! You have to throw him out!”

(Thinking she means there’s a flasher in the mall, I follow her to the food court. The customer grows more hysterical as we approach. There is nobody matching her description.)

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t–”

(She angrily points at a man in Scottish attire quietly enjoying a coffee.)

Customer: “There he is! He’s scaring the children walking around like that!”

Me: “Ma’am, please stop shouting. There is nothing illegal about his way of dress and there certainly is no telling whether or not he’s wearing anything underneath.”

(At this point the man in question approaches us.)

Man: “I wish to lodge a complaint against this woman. She’s been following me around and trying to get a look at…well…” *gestures at his kilt*

Me: “Ma’am, is this true?”

(The woman turns bright red and starts fidgeting uncomfortably.)

Customer: “Well, I… but… what about the children?!” *storms off*