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    CPR = Criminally Poor Reaction

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Top

    (I am sitting in a diner. A man, a teenage girl, a woman and a few other diners are sitting there eating. Suddenly, the woman falls down and starts having a seizure.)

    Man: “Everybody back. I know what to do. I’ll start CPR. Somebody call an ambulance.”

    (He kneels next to the woman, whose head was cut on a railing when she fell and is bleeding, and gets ready to start CPR. Suddenly, the teenage girl yells out.)

    Teenage Girl: “NO! STOP! Don’t do CPR!”

    (She runs over.)

    Teenage Girl: “Sir, move over and let me help.”

    Man: “Little girl, you don’t know what you’re doing. Get out of the way and let me start CPR!”

    Teenage Girl: *shoves him out of the way* “You don’t do CPR on a seizure patient.”

    (She moves the woman away from the railing and cushions her head. It’s obvious she knows what she’s doing.)

    Man: “Someone grab this b****! I need to start CPR before it’s too late!”

    (He pulls the girl away and she fights back. By the time she gets free, the woman has stopped seizing. The girl puts her on her side and starts giving first aid. The woman starts breathing again and turns onto her back.)

    Teenage Girl: “It’s over. I told you she didn’t need CPR.”

    Man: “Okay, so you were right. Move over, I’ll take over now. I know what to do.”

    Teenage Girl: “No chance, mister. She’s postictal, and you need to stay back in case she gets combative.”

    (Luckily, the woman doesn’t start fighting. As the teenage girl keeps talking to her and takes her pulse, she eventually starts responding.)

    Woman: “I’m [name.]”

    Teenage Girl: “Hi. I’m [name]. Do you remember what happened?”

    Woman: “Yeah, I lay down, and then I woke up like this.”

    Man: “YOU HAD A HEART ATTACK! You’ve got to remember that!”

    Teenage Girl: “You had a seizure; it’s all right to not remember it. Does anything hurt?”

    Woman: “Just my back and my neck.”

    Teenage Girl: “All right. I’m going to ask you to lie still; you may have injured your back. You’re doing fine. Oh, here comes the ambulance.”

    (The paramedics walk in with a stretcher and lift the woman onto it.)

    Medic #1: “What happened here?”

    Man: “I’ll tell you what happened. This lady fell over and started having a heart attack, and this little b**** wouldn’t let me do CPR. I’m amazed the woman survived. You should have her arrested! She could’ve killed someone!”

    Teenage Girl: “No, it was a seizure. Lasted about 90 seconds; she fell and sustained a laceration to her head. I’d look at that and possible concussion. Postictal about two minutes, seems mostly oriented and is answering questions, pulse slightly elevated, no memory of the event. She did state she’s having some back and neck pain and she fell hard, so I’d take spinal precautions.”

    Man: “Just listen to her! Pretending she knows what she’s doing! I’m calling the police!”

    Medic #2: “Actually, she does know what she’s doing. Pretty well, in fact.”

    Man: “And how exactly do you know that?”

    Medic #2: “Because we’re going to be working on the same ambulance on her shift tonight.” *high-fives teenage girl*

    (The teenage girl was in fact at EMT! The man was banned from the diner and arrested for grabbing the girl.)