(I work in the beauty department and a customer comes up to me).

Customer: “I need a face wash for my son that will get rid of the semen on his face.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Are you deaf? He is too oily!”

Me: “You mean sebum?”

(The customer turns the brightest shade of red and runs out the store.)

Me: “Hi, would you like to buy a ticket?”

Customer: “Yes, when is your next flight to Oregano?”

Me: “Oregano?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s in America. I think it’s a state?”

(On my computer, I find the Wikipedia page for Oregano.)

Customer: “Oh…I’m not dumb, I swear…”

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you today?”

Caller: *yelling* “I want to make sure that idiot woman I spoke with a little while ago credited my card back because I think she was stupid and didn’t know what she was doing!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll be happy to check on that credit for you today. After looking at the account, it looks like it was credited back to the credit card as stated it would be.”

Caller: “Are you sure that idiot did it? She sounded like a liar to me!”

(After looking closer at the account, I see it was me who spoke to her last.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I did take care of that credit just like I said I would when you called me a little while ago.”

Caller: *silence* “Uh… I knew you would. You’re such a sweet girl!”

(This is an independent bank with only four loan officers.)

Me: “Here’s you receipt. Are you all set?”

Customer: “I need to speak with my loan officer for a minute.”

Me: “Okay, that’s Joe. Let me check if he’s available.”

Customer: “No! Rich is my loan officer.”

Me: “No, Joe is. He talked to you last week, remember? Tall guy with a moustache?”

Customer: “Rich has been my loan officer for eight years. I want to speak with him!”

Me: “Rich died three years ago.”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “So, I’ll get Joe?’”

Customer: “Right, Joe.”

Caller: “You need to do something about that new surf shop. You need to shut them down.”

Me: “Ma’am, we can’t just shut the surf shop down, but why don’t you tell me the problem?”

Caller: “Well, they’re very inappropriate! My teenage daughter walked by the other day, and they ‘Googled’ her!”

Me: “They ‘Googled’ your daughter?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “As she walked by?”

Caller: “That’s what I’m telling you!”

Me: “Do you mean they ‘ogled’ her?”

Caller: “Same thing!”